Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

It's not just about the wedding though is it?

This is making OP feel like a five year relationship is worth nothing to her DP, and that it may be time to end it. Isn't she allowed to feel like having a day feeling depressed about it?

God, some women on Mumsnet are such cold-hearted bitches, who seem to enjoy coming on to have a pop at unhappy women.

Far too many posters are projecting their own narrative on this thread IMO.

But not enough to stand up for you.

They are close to the bride I wonder what she told them?
The op paints a rosy picture before the wicked aunt and uncle interfered. From the brides perspective was it fun being around the op when planning her wedding. Did she want her dad's girlfriend planning her wedding.

Lol! Your family sounds ridiculous. Why doesn't your daughter just visit on her own without the boyfriend that you don't like? Why does he need to come with her but then wait outside while she visits? How long is the visit? Is she just popping in to say hello or is she staying for lunch or dinner?

Let's stick with the aunt and uncle are evil cunts and the bride and dp are weak. Happy

Goodness me, you have issues with family relationships in all directions, don’t you? No wonder your perspective on the OP’s situation is so odd.

It really has set the tone for how OP will be treated at family events going forward and has made it clear that OP isn't a priority for her partner. It's not just about one day - OP will now be excluded from any events where the extended family are present and the expectation will be that she is ok with it. I would be ending the relationship, but it's OP's decision.

Why wouldn’t the bride put her aunt ahead of her father’s partner? I find this whole thread baffling, it’s the daughter’s wedding and of course she is going to want her family there, especially if they are a link to her deceased mother.

It’s not a reflection of the strength of feeling the boyfriend has towards the OP, what can he do if a possibly much loved aunt will only come if his girlfriend isn’t there? It’s a shame for the OP that they have made this a condition, but the feeling of hurt and rejection seems rather dramatic and unnecessary to me.

The op has to chose does she want to be with him or his extended family?

I think the bride not wanting OP there bec it's a painful reminder that her mum isn't there is valid. But the bride DID want OP at the wedding - until her mum's family stepped in and demanded she not be or they wouldn't come.

Can't speak for the OP, but I'm pretty sure she would have been more understaning of not being invited if it had happened at the beginning instead of two days before the big day - AND if it had come from the bride and not the bride's mum's family.

Of course not. Your day your rules. Truly. That is all that you need to hold on to. Your wedding is a special day for you to enjoy 🥰❤️

It would be much easier for the bride to push back against her relatives at events like birthday parties and christenings etc. A wedding is just too much pressure for her to deal with rows right before.

I have no idea he can't leave her side. She chose to be with him and I won't interfere. She is the main person working and has a career. They both have degrees he struggles holding down jobs. I am not helping her to look after him.

I think usually people take the path of least resistance, because that is what is easiest, and at the moment that seems to be excluding OP. Another scenario could have been that OP's partner refused to attend without her, and the aunt and uncle didn't attend because the bride decided it was more important to have her parent there rather than extended family, but it didn't go that way. I think the precedent has been set now.

I think it would have been awful for the brides dad to not attend his daughters wedding, when she's already lost her mother, for the sake of his girlfriends hurt feelings.

That would be absolutely unforgivable in my opinion.

No way would I stay with this man after this.

Then why was she invited in the first place?

It's the aunt and uncle who have caused all this at the very last minute

Maybe she didn't really want her there and the aunt and uncle made it easier. Did the bride apologise?

Hope they never want to marry...

🙏 so do I

@Helloworlditsmeagain do you never do anything with your partner’s family? What about him with your family?

I would prioritise my children over a partner too, but I equally wouldn't expect the partner to hang around at my convenience and drop out of events whenever extended family were expected. There will be other, more welcoming families out there. This set up just doesn't look compatible to me and I think OP deserves better.

We did visit my family but the relationship I had with them was very complicated.

I was going to write how you deserve to be acknowledged by his family. After 20 years! However on reflection his family do not sound like reasonable people. I’m so sorry for the position you’re in.