Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Yeah, because ending a relationship with one person because of what a different person has chosen to do is an entirely proportionate and sane thing to do.

As much as I get their pain u imagine you have much more of a presence than them and so they not in a position to dictate imo.

You need to understand there is a big difference between 3 months and 9 years.

I’m so sorry this is horrible OP.

I don’t think you should just go though like some people suggest.

I think that would make you look like the unreasonable one, but also, what’s the point, it doesn’t fix any of the issues or hurt caused.

surely it’s the brides call if you’re there? I understand it might be hard for aunties etc but it’s not their day. And you’ve been considerate in not taking the mob place.

Bride is spineless. So is your partner. They and the relatives are behaving as if you were an affair partner who split up the bride's parents, when you're the loving partner of a man widowed years ago. No reasonable person would even contemplate this.

That's bad enough but also to uninvite you just beforehand is terrible behaviour. What other family events are you going to be excluded from at the last minute? I would reconsider my future with this family.

I’m having trouble believing that your partner couldn’t locate his backbone.

Whether it was the extended family asking for it or not, your partner and his daughter have let you know that you aren't really a family member in their eyes.

Just someone expendable if there is the slightest pressure is applied.

How is not creating drama at a wedding being a doormat?

OP wasn't banned by the couple, if she chooses not to go, it's because some unpleasant people would cause a fuss if she did go. It would put the bride and groom, and OP's dp, in difficult positions.

It's not their fault.

I think the only thing you might have to slightly bear in mind is whether there's a tiny chance the bride herself might have preferred you not to come, but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Just because in all this surely she is the one who will feel most emotional about her mum not being there

It depends on how involved her partner has been in the decision. OP says she has been told she can’t go. If her partner is involved in that decision or hasn’t told his daughter that he wants OP there then he is complicit and a coward.

You need to understand that a wedding is about the bride and groom. If the bride's step-mother tries to make it all about herself then it's unlikely to end well.

How does the bride feel about this?

The couple are deciding who attends, not the bride’s family.

You suggested OP take them for a celebratory meal instead of attending the wedding. That is advocating doormat behaviour.

We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding.

YANBU to be distraught at this. It must feel horrible when it’s been planned for so long.

Are you ‘banned’? Or has your DP told you he wants to minimise the huge emotional blackmail his DD is facing about her late mother, and the stress this is causing, so soon before her wedding day?

Is it fair to end the relationship because your DP was forced to choose between supporting his DD on her wedding day or you feeling excluded? Surely, his DD comes first?

IMHO it may help to change your mindset and offer not to go (your decision: you are in control) rather than see it as being banned (someone else’s decision: out of your control). It would be to make things as comfortable as possible for your DP (who you love) and his DD (who you accept must always be his priority, given he’s her only parent). If you bow out gracefully, you’ll have been kind and reasonable and not added to the stress and drama.

The bride’s maternal family have caused hurt and harm either way by their unreasonable, last minute demands. Don’t stoop to their level by making a fuss or blaming your DP.

I’d plan a lovely day for myself doing all the things I love. And then ask DP if we could arrange a little celebration for DD and her DH after the wedding: special meal etc. Your relationship will end up stronger with DD than that of the distant, demanding relatives, despite their refusal to accept you.

Why are you making things up?! Where on earth has OP made it about her? She’s posted on an anonymous forum saying she’s (understandably) upset about being told she can’t go. That’s it. HOW is that making this about her!?

How is she making it all about herself? This bad behaviour is driven by the bride’s family, not OP.

Again: if push came to shove and a future partner tried to make me choose between her and my daughter's decision about her wedding, then I'm walking my daughter down the aisle. If my putative partner tried to make my daughter's wedding all about herself then she can fuck off.

This is awful @Oscarcleo. I’d be really upset too in your position.

I feel awful for the bride in all this too. She’ll be trying to maintain a good relationship with her mums family, and her dads, and try to welcome you into her life as her dad’s new partner, and I’m sure she’s feeling her mums absence a lot during wedding planning etc.

Are you close enough that you can go directly to her for a conversation? In your situation, despite me being hurt, I would go to her and tell her that you’re sorry there’s been so much pressure put on her so close to the wedding due to you attending and that you don’t want her to have any upset or be worried about any awkwardness for her on the day so youre ok with not going.

I think its ok to say to your partner later on that you’re quite hurt that he didn’t do more to stick up for you but for the sake of the bride I would just bow out now

Exactly. These people always find a way to blame the second wife / partner.

Why didn’t the bride and your p tell them where to get off? If the bride has been happy with you helping to plan and being involved, then why is she being swayed by relatives?

You are not their family, that is all - I would not be upset. Had you been married, it would have been different. To them it looks like 'partnership' whatever it may mean.

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Are we talking about the brides grandparents or her aunts/uncles. I would have more sympathy if it were her grandparents, but you discretely hiding away won’t bring their daughter back.

.also wanted to ask how long they have known about you? Perhaps only for a year or two, or did they not know you existed?

You’ve already made your blinkered opinions obvious, so not sure why you’re repeating yourself.

You have some real issues with women if you think they should fuck off just for wanting to be treated with consideration by their partner.