Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I feel really sorry for the bride.

They have been so unfair and disrespectful to her. Ideally, she should stand up for herself and tell them she'll invite who she wants but I guess she's the non confrontational type.

It's lousy that she's giving in to their emotional blackmail.

Awful and cruel of them, but in the current circumstances, I would let it go to preserve the bride's day.
But the DP would better appreciate and respect a lot how I am taking one for the team, or I would definitely be out.

If the dead wife’s family haven’t met you and you weren’t going to sit with your partner anyway, how would they even know you were there?

So you'd be happy for your partner of 5 years and his daughter who's been happy for you to go until put under pressure, not to stand up for you and say you'd be going as always planned

Your bar is low. But if you'd be happy for your partner to put you aside to keep the peace good for you. I have higher standards and expect more from a long term partner

The vipers are the bride's maternal relatives. It's the groom who is marrying into the nest of vipers.

I'm sorry op this is really odd. Hopefully they change their mind back again

The bride can have whoever she wants (ie you) at the wedding. Ridiculousness.

You have a couple of days. You need to communicate openly but calmly. To the bride, do you want me there? Is there a reason that you are letting your Mum’s family change your arrangements. Assuming she does or did want you there then to her father, Bride wants me there, do you? And explain that it is very hurtful for him to be willing to exclude you. Point out that you know it is awkward but he cannot airbrush you out of their lives, unless he wants you out of his life of course. See what he says to that.
Only you can decide whether it is a dealbreaker.

I agree. If any future partner of mine insisted on me choosing her over my daughter on my daughter's wedding day then I'd pack her bags myself.

I’m usually out is step with MN on these sorts of threads. But this is clear cut. Whichever one of the 30 relatives has pressured your DP and his DD to uninvite you is out of order. They have behaved shockingly to you - and to be bride, frankly. Nasty, nasty behaviour.

No, I wouldn't be happy about it. But I'd accept that someone else's wedding isn't all about me.

Did something happen for this drama to happen so close to the wedding or what?

Everyone knew you'd be there. Or maybe his late wife's family have only found out! But either way TBH unless DP or Bride intervene to have you there, best to stay well out of it. I know that's heartbreaking for you, but otherwise there will be handbags at dawn and drama and rows and flounces galore.

Go see Bride on the morning of the wedding if that's possible, have some champagne, give her a hug and make it easy for her. Honestly, that's what I'd do. No good will come of anyone insisting on you being there. And sorry to say it, but blood is thicker than water at times like weddings I'm afraid.

This is very weird of them, seeing as the bride is fine with you being there. Is there absolutely no more background to this than what you've said?

I think:
Grief is weird and we can still be grieving someone after 9 years (personal experience)
They're being rude to you, but I doubt it's personal
Don't go, but have a nice celebratory meal or something with the new couple another day
Don't start worrying about your relationship because of this, that would be an overreaction, unless dp is being awful about it
You never see them anyway, it'll just blow over and you can carry on as before

This wasn’t an affair. You didn’t cause pain or offence to anyone and you don’t deserve to be punished for anything at. You also get on well with the bride. Those relatives have no right at all to dictate who the bride and groom get to invite. They need to be told that you will be going and that they need to keep their mouths zipped because they are going to spoil a wedding otherwise.

That sounds awful. I understand why you might not be able to get over this.
What happens if you stay with him and she has a baby? Are you going to be banned from all baby related celebrations also?

I don’t think you should hold your partner or his daughter responsible for this.

The relatives of the dead woman are being unreasonable and have put your partner and his daughter in a very difficult position.

You could just not go. You could have a day to yourself and the wedding could just go ahead and be done without further aggravation. Plus, your partner / his daughter will have to explain to the groom’s family why you aren’t there - how awful.

Nice sexist assumption there that the house belongs to the man.

Maybe OP should pack his bags and throw him out.

My wedding day was beautiful and emotional. My mum actually was diagnosed with cancer about 3 months before my wedding.

Nobody ever gets over losing their mum.

You need to accept this day is about her and her family and her mum should have been a HUGE part of it. The fact that she isn't there will hurt but you being there could make it worse.

Don't go. Understand it's really not about you and try to forgive them for doing this so late in the planning.

Assuming the ringleader of this will be the bride’s Aunt or Grandma.

I feel for them, (the family) as a whole as it must be tough watching a young woman get married without her mother who must be dearly missed them all.

However, for them to say they categorically do not want you there is appalling. Most adults will know you would never try and take the place of the brides mum.

I assume the bride will be very upset, torn and anxious about this anyway. I’d hope she’s a strong willed woman and has the balls to tell her family they’re being ridiculous. But if they are being adamant then I can see why she wouldn’t want to upset 30 family members, potentially her mothers parents, siblings etc.

I’m sorry OP. It must be shit. You need to be 100% honest with your partner about how this has made you feel.

Granted, your partner doesn’t have much power here. It lies down to the bride to communicate with her family.

Hopefully she tells them that you are coming to the wedding. But if not, then please don’t have animosity towards her or your partner. Although I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

Why would OP pay for a celebratory meal for a wedding she was banned from?

This place takes being a doormat to extremes.

Just go, OP. It’s not up to them, it’s up to the bride & groom.

JFC- I have been to two of my childrens’ weddings and the woman that their father ran off with was also there as she is his wife now. I would not have dreamed of kicking up a fuss.
It’s up to the Bride. No one else.

This is rough! Given they don't know you, could you sit with groom's family and be passed off as an aunt? At least to attemd the ceremony and then head off?

It's a shitty thing to do to the bride, I guess she is very young to be going along with this rather than explaining you are attending just as a friend rather than as mum replacement, but no you will be there.

Without OP specifying, it seems both he and his daughter are upset and he has told her probably what the daughter has now decided.

Its not his decision is it, its not his wedding.

The bride is reacting to the deceased mothers family.

Highly insulting, is he supposed to be single forever??

I don't think you should take it personally. I think her mother's family especially her mother's mother have realised this is going to be one of the most painful days of her life. And if you not being there makes it any easier at all in your shies I would want to do that.