Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Surely if bride wants you there then bride wants you there and that’s that! Nothing yo do with the extended family

Your DP should have told them where to go. They have behaved awfully, grief or otherwise. I’m not surprised you are reevaluating things.

The problem the OP has is that if she tries to explain why they are wrong and why she should be invited it makes her look a bit desparate. Sad but true. Better to maintain a dignified silence.

Definately have something fabulous booked for the day instead though i appreciate it's sort notice!

What does the bride think? It's her wedding.

The bride needs to tell those guests that they can cancel coming in my opinion but I have to say I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a family that wouldn’t accept me.

Your partner needs to step up and insist on you being there. His wife has been dead for almost a decade and you've been his partner for 5 years! How dare these people demand your absence. If he doesn't show them how important you are to him and buckles to their ill-mannered interference then I wouldn't blame you for leaving him. If he's that weak, he's not much of a partner is he.

Edited to add that as his partner of 5 years, with no wife/mother of the bride present, he should want you beside him at the ceremony and at the reception.

What horrible people, OP. Presumably they (or the ringleaders) are used to pushing relatives around, and your DP and the bride have given in because they always do. I can understand why they gave in for the sake of peace, although they shouldn’t have.

Don’t let these selfish people ruin the wedding. Be the better person, and treat yourself to a couple of days away with friends or somewhere nice, if you can afford it. Otherwise, just have the best day out you can arrange at such short notice.

I couldn't come back from this when you've had a good relationship so far. What's going to happen at family events if there are GC in the future, will you be told not to attend them either? Even if they change their mind and say they want you to attend it's shown you how they really view you.

Absolutely this! Talk about relative- Zilla FFS!! How dare they dictate to a bride about her wedding

Whoever asked this of the bride is being unreasonable. Not sure why it's being entertaining.

Nobody should be making the bride unhappy at her wedding. If she wants OP there, she can say so. It is not up to other relatives to dictate who a couple have at their wedding. I hope this resolves for you OP, as it sounds well out of order that these people are trying to make the bride's mind up. If she is unhappy with you not going, get her to stand up to them and tell them you will be there.

This is awful, however, grief can do weird things to people . They clearly see you as a replacement or threat to wife’s memory - rather than being happy your partner found new happiness or grateful for the support you have no doubt given to bride.

It might sound harsh but I also wouldn’t be happy with her still being referred to as his wife considering she has been dead for almost 10 years.

He can’t move forward with you while one foot holding onto his past.

Yanbu at all

I understand protecting the family's feelings but its been years. This would've been the time for him to stand up for you.

I'd be very upset x

"Let me come to someone's wedding who doesn't want me there or I'm leaving you."

Fuck's sake.

So they've been happy for you to go all along but now all of a sudden some distant family members think they get to make demands and you're banned?

I couldn't get over that personally. How dare they just cast you out instead of defending you.

Surely the solution should be a candle lighting ceremony at the start of the wedding or an empty chair with beautiful flowers at the top table. Not banishment of a living family nember.

Surely it's the decision of the bride ?
What does she say?

What does the bride think about that? It’s her wedding.

Yes this. It’s not the late-wife’s relatives’ wedding - it’s the bride and grooms. They decide who goes not them. How did this even come about? They randomly emailed the bride and told her who she could and couldn’t have at a wedding where presumably everyone has rsvp’d and been paid for.

Maybe she could email and say you are coming as a guest of the groom…?

It seems very odd that it's got to this late stage before you were made aware. I feel for the bride in this and I'd hope I could rise above it for her sake as you say you have a good relationship with her. It is emotive to only meet that side of the family at the wedding. Horrible position to be in OP. I hope your partner has many redeeming qualities to balance this experience out.

I think this is a very difficult situation - you're understandably hurt and upset. I'm sure your partner is too as he would much rather have you there.

I imagine that the bride is going along with it in order to avoid having a lot of upset and drama at her wedding. She's effectively in a no win situation as whatever she does is going to upset someone. It's obviously incredibly sad that she won't have her mum there on her most special day. Having her mum's close relatives there is probably very important to her.

As hard as it is, if I were you I would step back with as much good grace as you can and wish her well. Don't let this horrible situation ruin your good relationship with your partner and his daughter - that would probably please his wife's relatives immensely. Instead, be the bigger person and show them that they are the unkind and petty ones.

I feel really sorry for you OP but also for the bride - imagine being emotionally blackmailed by your late mum’s family just before what should be a really happy occasion. I think for that reason I would let your DP know how hurt you are that he didn’t stand up for you once very directly, then I would not attend, but make it very clear that the only reason was because I didn’t want to cause more anguish for the bride.

I’d also take myself to a spa as PP suggested and then I’d ponder the relationship separately. I really hope the bride/your DP come to their senses and reconsider, but I think in the long-term the bride will value you more for rising above and putting her first rather than kicking up a fuss, even when you have every right to.

She wanted her there for the last 18 months until someone piped up with their ludicrous demands.

If the bride wants you there, then it should be her decision and they have to suck it up.

I know there's no time limit on grief, but it has been 9 years. Surely they can deal with it for a day.