Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I was referring to the people suggesting that if she doesn't get to go to the wedding she should leave her partner.

Succinct and accurate.

I'm thinking this is the late mum's parents who lost their daughter. Or her siblings. I don't know if any other relatives would have such influence and sway over the bride. Granny / aunty / uncle possibly.
How on earth it has got to two days before and you've suddenly been given the bums rush is unfathomable. Awful situation for your DP and DPs daughter. I guess you were the lesser of the two evils and it was easier to upset you than granny or whoever.
Take the outfit back, have a nice day doing something for you, and try to get past this. I'm not sure I could though, as someone else said, you're going to get this situation repeated every time these relatives are at a family occasion e.g. birth of baby etc.

I am SO sorry that this has happened OP. Quite frankly, in your shoes I'd be packing my bags, or his, depending on who owns/rents the property you live in together. There is NO WAY, that I could remain in a relationship with a man who is too weak, to support his daughter in telling his dead wife's family, to mind their own business, or their own invitation/s will be withdrawn.

Would it be any chance be his daughter's grandmother, (mother of his deceased wife) who is kicking up a fuss? This, I could just about understand, but still wouldn't accede to, in his shoes.

The OP was invited by her step daughter. The step daughter wanted her there. And OP has gone above and beyond the call of duty in not making the wedding about herself (not sitting at the top table, not sitting with her DP at the front of the church). It’s the family that have caused drama here, not the OP.

I'd message the bride directly. It's her decision.
Yes, I would be hurt op and revaluate the relationship

Well said.

Wow this is awful.
It isn’t like she died recently! You’ve been together a long time. This should be up to the bride. They surely should want your partner to be happy with someone else? The bride should be sticking up for you.

OP that's horribly cruel. I appreciate that your DP and his DD are in a horrid position but banning you isn't going to make it any less sad that her Mum/their relative isn't there.

This is always going to cast a shadow over your relationship, and I'd be seriously considering the future going forwards. This won't just be the wedding, it'll be Christenings, birthday parties, family parties. You're being cast as the outsider and sadly your DP is allowing it.

It’s really upset my partner/ bride

Very wise words from @Caffeineneedednow, @Oscarcleo.

Ok, let's play this through: let's say that my daughter is getting married, her mother is dead, I've got a new partner and my daughter doesn't want her there.

Tell me, what should I do? Refuse to go to the wedding and so prioritise my partner's feelings over my daughter's? Or vice-versa? Or something else?

Given that my daughter is also a woman, how does prioritising her on her wedding day lead you to the conclusion that I've got a problem with women as a group?

How have you concluded what he has or hasnt done? Sounds like he has needed to support his daughter to make a horrible decision. Perhaps she is broken hearted at the thought her nan or aunty wont come or something like that, perhaps they were instrumental in stepping in when mum died and are like a second mother to her emotionally, if not practically.

He could have had a full blown row with the extended family for all you know, OP says he was very upset, but ultimately the bride has to make a decision about who she wants there.

The bride does want her there

Its the usual man hating responses on here.

I notice the bride hardly comes in for any harsh words but the partner apparently is weak, no backbone etc etc etc.

But that isn’t the situation- it is your dead wife’s family saying they won’t go if your new partner does.

The bride did want her there. She has subsequently changed her mind. Neither of which is a decision that the bride's father made.

And the bride seems to have favoured them over her father's partner. Otherwise he wouldnt have had to pass on that message.

If the bride wants you there then surely you can go? Not up to her relatives to say who goes to her wedding?!

What do the bride and groom want?

’Changed her mind’ is a bit different to ‘put under duress by her dead mothers relatives’.

Best the relatives get the fast train back to where they came from.

All we know at the moment is OP has been told she can’t come. My reading between the lines is that her partner has been part of that decision. I could be wrong, only OP can confirm.

I would expect a partner to intervene and explain to daughter and in laws that OP has been a part of our lives for 5 years, that she was not the other woman, that I met her 4 years after my wife died, that OP has tried to put herself in the background of this wedding by not expecting to sit at the top table or sit near me at the ceremony.

If he has done none of then he is a coward and I wouldn’t be able to look at his ferret face anymore .

You really don’t know the partner has had no say. Stop passing things off as fact that you don’t know.

I don’t think I could forgive such weakness in a partner.