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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t stay with me in hospital

294 replies

swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:15

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 21/05/2025 22:17

I would much prefer he went home and got a good night's sleep if that's possible with the other kids. I love my alone time with the baby. I also don't hold back with the buzzer 😂

thismummyslife · 21/05/2025 22:18

i would strongly recommend that your husband stay with you, that’s a bit shit of him to say to be honest! So your first night with a newborn after major surgery and he thinks it more important for himself to get a full nights sleep! You’re in it together and from my experience (hospital I had my DD in, partners asked to leave at 9) I’d have coped so much more with him there. The buzzer is there and I would certainly use it but I know what you mean about it not being a massive help!

Hercisback1 · 21/05/2025 22:19

Unless you are really really struggling, send him home. Least one of you is rested that way.

Glammami · 21/05/2025 22:20

If you want him to be with you for support and you have good support for your childcare arrangements then I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to be with you to support you after surgery. Do you think he feels uneasy about the children being alone for a couple days while he’s with you so he wants to get back to them after supporting you through the surgery and seeing you settled into the ward perhaps before he heads off to care for the kids?

Dawnchorusiswonderful · 21/05/2025 22:20

Sorry but why is he so adamant that he won't stay?
Surely if it would be helpful and supportive to you he should want to stay. You are giving birth to his child for heavens sake.

nadine90 · 21/05/2025 22:23

So you can carry his baby for 9 months and go through all the pain and sickness and sleeplessness that brings, then have major surgery and deal with the aftermath of that, whilst tending to a newborn. But he can’t sleep in a hospital for one night? What are his reasons op? Other than being selfish?

ProssecoParent · 21/05/2025 22:23

Id be so upset if my husband didn’t want to stay with me! My hospital didn’t allow it and with my first born I was so scared of being alone in the hospital with my new baby. I had no idea what I was doing and it would’ve been so nice for him to of been there so we could experience our first baby together! And I know he was really upset to not be able to spend time with his baby too. You’re definitely not being unfair

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 22:25

That’s really selfish of him. DH was invaluable when I had a complicated EMCS with DC1, we were in nearly a week and he was my rock.

We’d both have loved him to stay when I had a scheduled CS with DC2 but I got moved to the ward after midnight and they wouldn’t let him in, even to help me set stuff up so I had things to hand and spare baby supplies. It was crap. He was with me in recovery and we hadn’t expected they’d move me in the middle of the bloody night.

I can’t understand why when you’re explicitly asked him he won’t be by your side. You’re going to be having absolutely massive surgery and he’s being crap.

Dinosaurshoebox · 21/05/2025 22:26

Of course he needs to stay.
Why doesn't he want you to be rested and you and his baby cared for?
Post partum wards are literally the puts of hell.

If he can't support you then then why the fuck is he needed for the delivery?

Wirdle · 21/05/2025 22:26

It wasn't allowed in covid and was quite nice spending that first night with them alone (before they woke up that 2nd night at home and had us up the whole time!), DH got the house clean ready for our return. But it's different if it's not an option and I'd feel unsupported 😟

Original poster
swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:27

I do see that it is a bit crazy I guess that he will get no sleep and then have to fully function the next day- because, let’s be honest, he’s not going to get any sleep on a chair in a ward of women and possibly partners.

OP posts:
Hollybelle83 · 21/05/2025 22:27

I would be really angry in your shoes. You're going to need him. I've had two c sections, my husband wasn't able to stay for either. It would have made a huge difference if he had.

Original poster
swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:28

X posted @Dinosaurshoebox

OP posts:
uuuuu · 21/05/2025 22:28

Why won't he stay?

seasonalexpression · 21/05/2025 22:29

I personally would have been devastated if my partner didn’t stay with me when I had our baby last year (also a c-section) and he was a huuuuge help both emotionally and physically.
I hope your husband changes his mind.

eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:29

I think you'll be okay overnight surely? There will be staff to help.

Commonsense22 · 21/05/2025 22:30

swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:27

I do see that it is a bit crazy I guess that he will get no sleep and then have to fully function the next day- because, let’s be honest, he’s not going to get any sleep on a chair in a ward of women and possibly partners.

The chairs unfold to become beds. The bays are segregated by curtains and you're in your bubble, plus many women end up in single rooms anyway.

If you want him to stay tell him he'd better step up. You've carried the baby 8 months. The very least he can do is that...

Calmdownpeople · 21/05/2025 22:31

Yeah I had a c and my husband wasn’t allowed to stay. It was fine. Lifting your baby with your arms (most can lift 6-9 pounds) was fine. If he stays late and then comes the next morning why is it so important that he is there at night? I guess it depends on you and how you feel but I was happier that he was rested and then when I went home he was more with it. People will give you opinions on their experience or feeling but I think it comes down to how you feel about him not staying.

Dinosaurshoebox · 21/05/2025 22:32

eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:29

I think you'll be okay overnight surely? There will be staff to help.

Will there? What magical hospital is this? Because everyone I've heard and read about was left to suffer and struggle.

The NHS is famously failing and women are the ones being the first to be screwed.

Renabrook · 21/05/2025 22:34

No way would I wanted my husband in hospital with me he needed to be home in bed there is nothing he could have done for me in hospital

SemperIdem · 21/05/2025 22:34

Why doesn’t he want to stay?

I had an elective c section 8 weeks ago, birth partners weren’t allowed to stay overnight and they’re strict with visiting hours at the hospital. I was actually the only patient on the ward, after being moved out of recovery.

You are checked on regularly throughout. Key for me was adjusting the bed (with the buttons) to get all the angles right. So it was fine, being on my own with the baby. I did buzz at one point to ask for some pain relief but I’d had the catheter removed, got myself dressed and made the trip to the toilet a few times by then.

I can fully understand why you’re upset though, I managed because it was necessary but it seems to not be necessary for you to do so alone.

MalcolmMoo · 21/05/2025 22:35

I wouldn’t have coped without my husband there in hospital when I had my c section. I couldn’t stand - trying to do my first nappy change I got light headed and nearly fainted as my iron was low from blood loss. My husband did all the nappy changes and passed baby to me in the night. I did the buzzer once cuz baby cried and my husband wouldn’t wake and it took ages for them to come.

Quite honestly if you want your husband there then you should. I think you need a serious chat with him about it.

TheSlantedOwl · 21/05/2025 22:35

Is he always selfish, and lets you down?

YANBU.

whatisthegoddamnholdup · 21/05/2025 22:36

I’ve had 3 csections and my husband didn’t stay overnight for any of them, why on earth would he?

Readytohealnow · 21/05/2025 22:36

So you would rather have 2 parents who are exhausted one from major surgery and the other from zero sleep in an upright chair, then looking after multiple young children? No. Much better that one gets some rest.