DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

I remember a lovely first morning waking up with my first born, just the 2 of us , holding him close and telling him that I was his mummy and I would always love him.

If my ex wasn't allowed to stay with me I'd have had no food or pain relief and I didn't even have a c section! I did have complications and me and my children nearly died. He actually fetched the breakfast for mums with no support as they were expected to fetch it themselves even though they couldn't walk following a c section.

My friend couldn't even get paracetamol after a c section as the staff were too busy.

Do you have anyone else who would be willing to stay with you? Wards are terribly understaffed and you're having major surgery. Other major surgery is treated entirely differently and usually more compassionately than c section recovery.

I'd have actually preferred having someone there to support me and the baby after rather than during birth tbh.

You want him there and therefore he should be there. He can look after your baby as you recover and he can get help when you need it. He’s being selfish. There’s no excuse for letting you manage with no rest and after a major operation whilst he gets to have a solid nights sleep.

Also I’d be a bit annoyed to be looking after existing children only to hear that daddy has decided to stay over (needlessly) at the hospital so now I have to have the kids another night. That’s not really how it works.

I couldn’t pick DS up from the cot so I kept him on me or by side in my bed the whole night. At one point one of the staff looked at me knowingly and said “I know you’re not sleeping with your baby in bed with you as that’s not something we can recommend” and I shook my head and said no of course I’m not and she said okay…

As it was I only got two 20 minute chunks the whole night and everyone was safe and fine but there was no way I could have heaved him up and down which required twisting that I literally couldn’t do every time I fed or changed him and he fed most of the night which was lovely. They say they’ll help you and they did try but the ward was rammed and several of us have had very complicated sections and there was a high level of need.

Can you arrange the childcare as if he was staying and then see how you feel?
So the option is there.

I’ve had C-sections but not a hysterectomy, I imagine it’s quite different from ‘just’ having a C-section.

I couldn't have managed without my DH. Staff wouldn't help me shower and no one helped me breastfeed until the night staff came on duty and were quite horrified baby had been left so long without feeding. I had cannulas in both elbows and backs of hands, so I was really incapacitated. I felt physically and mentally vulnerable. With having a hysterectomy at the same time is there the possibility you would have 24 hours in maternity HDU?

Because it's half his kid, possibly ? Save us

They aren’t having a hysterectomy at the same time though. You can’t compare them. A hysterectomy is major surgery. It’s difficult enough to attend to your own needs for the first day or two without support, let alone a baby’s.

You’ll move because you have to… your baby needs you!
I had two csections within a year, and a great trick for me was having a belt tied up in a loop to the foot of hospital bed… I then used the mechanical hosp bed to sit up as much as possible, and then pulled on the belt to sit me further up.
you’ll manage it because your baby needs you to x

Without a doubt he should stay with you. Without being political or bashing the NHS - even top US physicians from their best hospitals say - 'the best thing you can do for your loved one is to stay in hospital with them to eliminate any possibility of mistakes. etc.'

You should explain to him that if partner are allowed to stay the staffing levels will be as such that they're expecting partners to stay.

I was really shocked with my youngest at how different it was. Partners weren't allowed for stay with my previous births, but with the youngest it was expected.

DH ended up doing a lot of fetching and lifting for a lovely lady in the next cubicle who didn't have anyone with her as the staffing levels were shockingly low.

It's not 'just' a C-section but a hysterectomy too.

If you want him to stay, I'd ask him again.

I've had both (not at the same time). You can move. I'd say vaginal birth was less painful post delivery. I'd recommend trying to move as promptly as possible. And try and use the loo as soon as you can. Take all the help you can get too. Stay in for as long as you need (or they let you!).

The op is having a hysterectomy as well. It’s going to be tough looking after a baby. You risk complications if you don’t follow the no lifting and bed rest instructions.

I had two csections within a year, and a great trick for me was having a belt tied up in a loop to the foot of hospital bed… I then used the mechanical hosp bed to sit up as much as possible, and then pulled on the belt to sit me further up.
you’ll manage it because your baby needs you to

Great to be creative if it's necessary. However in this case the Op downer need to be doing stuff like that after her major surgery because her husband can be there to help../

No chance should a woman post hysterectomy and c-section be rigging belts and the likes when he can be there helping her.

DH stayed overnight with my first elcs but went home with my second as he had to look after dc1. Tbh I was happier for him to do that as I felt dc1 needed a parent with them, it was a big change for them to have a new sibling. I managed fine looking after the baby overnight and breastfeeding was no problem. It was a bit of a faff when I still had a catheter in but you work with it. Both times the hospital was keen to get me up and moving soon after the op as it helps recovery. I didn't use the buzzer at all - I preferred to deal with things on my own.

Because the mother's body has been through complete hell for his child so the least he can do is lend a bloody hand in the hospital. In an ideal world the nurses would be available but with both of my births there were other emergencies on the ward that (rightfully) required all hands on deck thus no extra help from the nurses.

All csections - first time it would have been nice if DH could have stayed the night as all new etc but really it would have meant both uncomfortable and tired. Next csections I was sending him home earlier and really wouldn't have wanted him staying overnight, simply no need. I didn't have any issues with lack of help from nurses, they always came and helped when needed etc.

Talk to the consultant as soon as possible - normally you can't lift anything heavier than a kettle after a hysterectomy as the risk of damage is so high. Lifting baby could be a big issue!!!

the commonest reason for a planned section-hysterectomy is going to be something like an invasive placenta, so there's possibly a whole load more to the story that the original post would suggest. In a lot of hospitals this would involve HDU type care for at least the first night, but also it's just possible that if it's being done before term the baby may be being cared for by neonates. There may not be an enormous amount of practical stuff for a partner to actually do on site if this is the case. OP might be better discussing with her team what they're expecting in terms of early recovery/care needs etc and then having another conversation with DH rather than canvassing opinion from people who don't know the whole situation.

My husband was essential the two nights I was in hospital post c-section, because I couldn't physically reach yet alone lift my baby from the cot to pick him up, then I was too exhausted to hold my baby safely and I wasn't able to put him down either. The staff certainly did not help, sometimes answered the buzzer, usually did not. It scares me to think what might have happened had DH not come.

The finality of having a hysterectomy at the same time may impact on you. I found having mine very emotional. For that reason alone, support would be good.
I had twins with my c section. No support from partner overnight. If I had to combine with hysterectomy, knowing what I do now, I'd really want him there. Of course you'll cope. But it might be better with some support. Take care..

This!

having just been in hospital where using the buzzer was absolutely bloody pointless if he was able to stay & chose not to (when childcare is sorted) he would be asked where he wanted the divorce papers served! WTAF is he thinking?? Selfish bastard.

DIL had a C-section recently. DS wasn't allowed to stay owing to the behaviour of some men overnight on the ward.
DIL said they were understaffed and took forever to answer the buzzer. If the mother wants her partner to stay and will benefit then they should. I'd be quite angry if DS had actually refused. They went home less than 24hrs after the birth. It was ten days when he was born