Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t stay with me in hospital

294 replies

swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:15

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 21/05/2025 23:06

It's good this is your last baby. Even if he doesn't stay overnight he should be there as much as possible. No love here

Amelie2025 · 21/05/2025 23:08

eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:29

I think you'll be okay overnight surely? There will be staff to help.

🤣🤣🤣

youve not been in hospital recently?

onwards2025 · 21/05/2025 23:08

swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:38

Can I ask, if you can’t move apart from arms, how DO you change the baby?

You don't and aren't expected to, during visiting times your DH does it and when alone then the ward staff do.

It doesn't last long though the drugs wear off and best to start moving around as soon as you can.

It's a matter of hours, you'll likely be in max 2 nights and by the second 24 hours you should be moving around (slowly)

Caerulea · 21/05/2025 23:08

swampwomp · 21/05/2025 22:27

I do see that it is a bit crazy I guess that he will get no sleep and then have to fully function the next day- because, let’s be honest, he’s not going to get any sleep on a chair in a ward of women and possibly partners.

What... Like you will for the next few months & women have done time out of mind lol

I would be hurt & let down if I were you. Has he given an actual reason? Might it be he struggles in hospitals or something?

TipsyRaven247 · 21/05/2025 23:09

Why on earth would he want to be in the hospital when there is so much to do at home? Bonkers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 23:12

alcoholnightmare · 21/05/2025 22:55

You’ll move because you have to… your baby needs you!
I had two csections within a year, and a great trick for me was having a belt tied up in a loop to the foot of hospital bed… I then used the mechanical hosp bed to sit up as much as possible, and then pulled on the belt to sit me further up.
you’ll manage it because your baby needs you to x

Show quote history

That’s untrue and unfair. With my first I had a GA when things suddenly went wrong and a very long very complicated surgery to get her out with two large incisions. I couldn’t sit for a couple of days afterwards, I had a catheter for several days, I was on oxygen. You can’t just mind over matter it and keep a vulnerable newborn safe through force of will.

You were fortunate, not everyone is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 23:13

TipsyRaven247 · 21/05/2025 23:09

Why on earth would he want to be in the hospital when there is so much to do at home? Bonkers.

It doesn’t matter what he wants. OP is the one who’s pregnant and facing massive surgery.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2025 23:14

TipsyRaven247 · 21/05/2025 23:09

Why on earth would he want to be in the hospital when there is so much to do at home? Bonkers.

The small detail of looking after his baby whist his wife recovers from giving birth and hysterectomy.

Pistachiocake · 21/05/2025 23:14

I'm surprised he's allowed-I would have loved this, but the wards were so crowded there would have been nowhere for partners to go, plus there are some inconsiderate people who might have been loud/wandering in and out all night (which is probably the reason they were strict about visiting hours). Only mentioning this as if I'm so surprised (was in hospital recently and there was literally no space for patients, they were being kept on corridors and squeezed in all sorts of places), he might also have just expected it wouldn't be an option so he hadn't even considered it. Not that it means he shouldn't discuss it with you now! What are his reasons-does he have a business he needs to run, which he couldn't manage without sleep? Does he have other kids to look after/other caring responsibilities? Has he any health/disability needs which mean he'd struggle being in hospital? I think your hospital sounds amazing-it would be great for patients to have someone stay with them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2025 23:15

My advice would be to a) fully discuss why he is so adamant he wont. If its because he doesnt think you will need him (I would guess that you were up and about after the last birth despite the tear?) then b) arrange a midwife appointment where she can fully explain the aftermath of a C Section and Hysterectomy and why you will need far more extra physical support afterwards than you did last time.

He needs it spelling out to him that this isnt just "one out of the sun roof", its major abdominal surgery X 2. I suspect that his idea of a c-section is just giving birth a different way, so whats the problem? You were fine last time so are probably being a drama queen this time. And he probably hasnt give the hysterectomy a thought.

However.....second piece of advice would be to think about how he is in general. A lot of men turn in lazy selfish arseholes during the first maternity leave. They get a little too used to having to do sod all except look after themselves. This is often not made blindingly obvious until the second baby is coming/has been born, especially if you havent been back to work between babies. After all, you are now trapped with two kids so what can you do about it?

Are there any behaviours that are making you wonder if he is turning into yet another waste of space?

PeanutCat1 · 21/05/2025 23:22

I had to do everything myself after DS1 as during Covid and DH wasn’t allowed to stay.

It was so much better second time around with DS2, DH did all of the nappy changes, helped me in and out of bed, got things out my bag and bought me DS so I could feed him etc. Neither of us got much sleep but we all survived, when we got home we had my mum there to help with DS1 and me and DH took it in shifts to look after DS2 so we could both get some rest.

I would be feeling really upset in your shoes, I think your DH is being unreasonable.

WhatWasPromised · 21/05/2025 23:22

Only thing I’d add OP is that the care I received after an ELCS was exemplary compared to my first which ended in me in theatre getting stitches. It was like they KNEW (as they should!) that an ELCS meant I couldn’t do anything whereas with ‘just stitches’ (ha!) I was expected to get on with it.

Todayisaday · 21/05/2025 23:23

If it is nhs then you will be on a ward with others and he will be sleeping in a chair.
I had c section with dc1 and episiotomy with dc2 and was on a wards with both. The only place for him to actually sleep is a hard chair.
Even when we ended up staying for several weeks due to complications, we were moved to a room, but he still had a chair, albeit a reclining one. He stayed late and then went home for sleep.
You need DH to be strong and rested, not completely frazzled.
The nurses come when you buzz and do everything for you, change baby, help you to feed, help baby latch on, take you to the loo etc.

Pinkissmart · 21/05/2025 23:26

Most bloody depressing thread I've read in awhile. OP is having a major operation and will have to navigate her pain plus a newborn. Yet posters are trying to shame her by wanting practical support.
Ffs - why do people expect so little of the people who are supposed to love them ?

SemperIdem · 21/05/2025 23:28

TipsyRaven247 · 21/05/2025 23:09

Why on earth would he want to be in the hospital when there is so much to do at home? Bonkers.

To help his wife, who will have had two major surgical procedures simultaneously.

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 23:28

I’ve had 3 sections. First in Covid, staying wasn’t an option!

second and third we had older children so I was happy for him to be there for them. I did say other dads were saying over and dh laughed and said not a chance in hell !

tbh he gets very anxious (adhd) without freedoms eg in a small curtained cubicle. He hates noises (sensory issues) so tbh it was way more relaxing just sleeping with my baby for a couple of days. Peaceful!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2025 23:29

All these "I was fine after my ELCS" how many of you also had your uterus removed at the same time?

You know? That big op that is well known to take several weeks to get over? The one that comes with the line "dont lift anything heavier than a kettle for the first 6 weeks"?

I had a slash and burn appendectomy due to peritonitis (as opposed to keyhole) and I was in agony for the first 2 weeks, and thats nothing like a c section or a hysterectomy, never mind both together!

Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2025 23:29

OP I think you need to edit your post to highlight that you are also having a hysterectomy. That is an entirely different situation to just a c section.

You have childcare in place. So your other DC are taken care of.

He should be planning on staying. It's easier to go in with that being the plan than to have to switch at the last minute and have to scramble to put plans in place. If he comes prepared then there's no reason why he can't get at least some sleep and if you have child care in place he can go home for a nap during the day.

If you are feeling ok then he could go home. But that should be your decision.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 21/05/2025 23:49

Men were allowed to stay on our ward but I sent DP home because I was conscious of his snoring keeping others awake and I knew when I got home I would just want my bed to myself for a bit so best for DP to get some rest and facilitate me back at home.

The lady next to me kept her husband and he just stayed arguing with her and it kept us all up and made us all feel vulnerable. Really badly affected my mental health, and found it really invasive when trying to establish breastfeeding even with the thin flimsy curtains.

If your DP doesn't want to be there then I think you need to set your expectations for him to be very attentive once home.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/05/2025 23:49

He's incredibly selfish to fuck off and leave you to it when you are asking for his support and have childcare in place.

I couldn't have managed without DH there when I had my c-section. We had twins too which made it tricker. The nurses were rushed off their feet and there's no way they could've responded every time I needed to pick up or put down a baby.

Patty23 · 22/05/2025 00:00

I had a c section in February and the hospital actually encouraged for my partner to stay with me over night. I'm so glad as there was no way I would of been able to cope after a 32 hour labour and emergency c section. I found the recovery really tough and not enough staff to help. It will be helpful to your recovery if he stays with you

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/05/2025 00:04

You don’t need him to stay. I had a c-section and it was fine. What isn’t fine is men staying on maternity wards. It’s horrible having random strange men sharing your space when you’re bleeding, vulnerable and trying to breast feed with only a flimsy curtain between you. The nurses will help you if you need it.

Amelie2025 · 22/05/2025 00:07

TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou · 21/05/2025 22:52

Also I’d be a bit annoyed to be looking after existing children only to hear that daddy has decided to stay over (needlessly) at the hospital so now I have to have the kids another night. That’s not really how it works.

You'd actually object to the Dad staying over to help the mum who had just had a c section ' a hysterectomy?
Seriously??

I don't expect I'd be leaving my kid/s with you anyway.

Amelie2025 · 22/05/2025 00:08

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/05/2025 00:04

You don’t need him to stay. I had a c-section and it was fine. What isn’t fine is men staying on maternity wards. It’s horrible having random strange men sharing your space when you’re bleeding, vulnerable and trying to breast feed with only a flimsy curtain between you. The nurses will help you if you need it.

When was the last time you were in hospital.

Clearly not recently.

angelinawasrobbed · 22/05/2025 00:12

Tell him that’s fine. He can take baby home and formula feed him while you stay in to recover.

(I mean, you wouldn’t. But nor would he )