DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

Seems to me that calling someone else's husband a "dick" is a very harsh response having been presented with very little information. The issue here seems to be more a lack of adequate care within the maternity ward - but that doesn't mean for one moment that the husband is a "dick" for thinking that there would be trained care available in a maternity ward, and for being concerned about taking care of their other children (as well as needing to go to work of course - someone has to earn a paycheck here. Given there are other family members locally it would be entirely appropriate (and most family members would be only too happy) to ask them to join a new mum in the maternity ward to be there to help them.

If the husband is actually wanting to have absolutely nothing to do with the situation and is utterly uninterested in helping either with the new baby or the children at home then there are far bigger problems. But that's not the information we have been given. And it's really unhelpful to chuck a load of negativity into the situation.

@Caligirl80 I do know that my case wasn’t the norm (though it does happen in 20% of hysterectomies so isn’t at all uncommon). I saw women shuffling about the day after a hysterectomy, but the point is that complications or not, CS or not, you’re still told not to lift anything heavier than 3KG.

The issue here seems to be more a lack of adequate care within the maternity ward

I don't disagree at all that mat wards and all other wards are woefully understaffed. However we as a society do have to ask who's responsibility is it actually to provide basic (not medical) care for our loved ones? This woman has a loving husband and they've chosen to make a baby together. Why is it a professional stranger's job to ensure that mum and baby are cared for and not their's? Same goes for elderly or poorly relatives. Why are our lives so busy and hectic that we can't take a step back when needed to provide basic care and compassion to the people closest to us? There's many cultures who would be absolutely horrified at the thought of leaving such things to professionals.

Well, ms “no nurses ever become doulas” why are there programs specifically to train nurses to be doulas as a second career?

https://www.birtharts.com/nurse-to-doula/

It’s also an advertised as a top side job for nurses to make extra money

https://vitaldollar.com/side-jobs-for-nurses/

and this faq on how to become a doula says…
“Some doulas are registered nurses with specialized doula training and others are certified through organizations such as DONA International that provide basic obstetric training through courses and supervised work experience.”
https://www.healthcaredegree.com/faq/how-to-become-a-doula

OP wants DH, not a family member. She’s the one going through surgery so DH should be supportive and respect what she wants.

Equally why is it a professional strangers job to provide 24/7 in home care to the children they already have?!

This is America where the title of midwife is barely protected by any national law.

I agree with @Sofiewoo . Unless you've been living under a rock, not read a single newspaper, watched tv, listened to the radio or spoken to/listened to anyone who has had any sort of interaction with the NHS over the last 25 years, there is no way you would assume there would be adequate care on any ward. You would assume the exact opposite until it is proven otherwise.

YANBU, OP.

Bullshit. I lived there for 25yrs. They have state laws that are just as strict as UK laws.

https://www.midwifeschooling.com/midwifery-roles-and-credentials/

Doulas are trained support professionals who provide non-clinical emotional and physical assistance before, during, and after childbirth.

• Offer pain-coping techniques and advocacy.
• Do not perform clinical or medical tasks

You may have been told not to lift anything heavier than 3Kg (about 6.6 pounds), but the weight limitations that are normally given are somewhat higher than this - about 10 pounds (or the weight of lifting a full 3 pint kettle with one hand is a good example given). If you take a look at general guidelines given by the NHS/private providers the weight amounts are, across the board, higher than the 3KG you've quoted, certainly after a couple of days. Which seems, again, to suggest that your situation was somewhat different - and an outlier - to the majority of hysterectomy/C-Section cases.

Most people do not have 10 pound babies - and most babies are not being held awkwardly or lifted from the ground/being held outstretched etc. - which is what the weight limitations are primarily concerned about - they don't want people lifting heavy shopping bags/laundry baskets/toddlers.

Again: it seems like your experience was an outlier - and it's unfortunate that you had that bad experience, but it's important to caveat this when giving general advice to others.

Exactly right - it's unfortunate that people make such generalised comments about the US medical system - without understanding that the vast majority of laws in the US are made by states, not the federal government. It betrays a fundamental lack of understanding of a federal form of government (which I suppose is understandable given the general lack of understanding in the UK about how our own government is set up!!).

Now, what is true is that midwives have typically been - and are - underutilised in the US as compared to other first world countries. There are a variety of historical reasons for this - not least the "anti-midwife" campaigns by the American Medical Association back in the early 20th century that cast midwifery in a negative light and sought to restrict the use of midwives - sadly a reflection of misogyny in the medical profession (and in society in general).

You've left out some key parts of that website, though, haven't you? If you are going to quote from a website (that only provides rather generalised information on potential courses) you should really quote the section on midwives:

"Certified Nurse-Midwives (CNMs)
Certified Nurse-Midwives (CNMs) are advanced practice registered nurses (APRNs) with graduate-level midwifery education. They are certified by the American Midwifery Certification Board (AMCB) and licensed in all 50 states.

• Full-scope women’s healthcare including prenatal, labor, and postpartum care
• Prescription authority and independent practice in many states."

Absolutely. When I had my baby my husband was there for me and her 100%. Our needs came first regardless of how tired he was.

No, we absolutely know more than enough to call him a dick. His pregnant wife is about to not only give birth to their child but undergo major surgery. She made her preference known and he reduced despite the fact that in this specific situation her preference should override his.

“someone has to earn a paycheck here”
What a load of sexist nonsense.
I can say with certainty that this man isn’t refusing to stay with his wife after her surgery because he’s got work.

Well, now you're making assumptions about me too. I've been in hospital - on wards - for treatment and care multiple times over the past year. The care has been fantastic. I have complex spine damage - so my needs for pain management and complex care are significant (i.e. I'm not just laying around reading magazines or in a situation where I don't have many care needs/can be self sufficient). I've also been in more general wards, and of course have been in the A&E. I have had only one negative experience: an A&E physician who wanted to send me home and did not want to get a spinal consult. I disagreed with her: I told her to write my request for a consult in my notes, and to also document her reasons for refusing the consult request. Funnily enough she changed her mind. The key here is to be prepared to advocate for yourself and your care, and to do so clearly and persistently, without being in any way rude or obnoxious.

When I've asked for additional pain relief or additional medical intervention I have always received it in a timely fashion. Including needing to advocate for additional procedures where I had (as noted) a disagreement with one of the residents: My viewpoints were listened to, reviewed by a senior consultant, and the care was arranged.

And I typically have to deal with my medical care by myself without anyone else there to advocate for me or assist me. I have had to use the patient advocate services once - I found them very helpful. But for the vast majority of the time my care has been very well managed. Friends and family who have had to use the NHS of recent (including for operations etc) have had a similarly positive experience.

I can also compare the care to multiple hospitals in the United States - where I've also lived. Did I get my own room and a big TV in the US hospitals? Yes. But was everything else - including quality of care - pretty much the same? Indeed. And what was the bill at point of service after my surgeries? USA: $130,000. UK: £0. Sadly people really don't seem to understand just how outstanding the NHS is. And it's not helped by people like you who seem to want to take a very unpleasant and embittered dump all over it every opportunity you have. By all means get yourself private medical insurance if you'd rather have a different experience - but the doctors will generally be the exact same you'll have on the NHS - primarily because most consultants have a dual practice these days.

Well, if you read the other part of my post then - per your review - she seems to be in the situation of being with the wrong man. Which is a far bigger issue.

The number of people on these posts who want to do a general "pile on" and rage against men truly is extraordinary! And I say this as someone who is divorced and was horrifically abused by said ex-spouse! I certainly would never call someone else's spouse a "dick" for wanting to get some sleep/care for other kids. And I'd generally try to present alternative options for behaviours rather than immediately defaulting to "he's a dick". If the guy in this situation truly is one of those then you should all be proffering advice on divorce lawyers.

I haven't made a single assumption about you. In your reply to another poster you said (I'm paraphrasing), it was unreasonable for her to criticise the OP's DH, as it was reasonable for him to assume their would be adequate care on a maternity ward. My response disagreed with your assertion that he was being reasonable. I fail to see how the DH (possibly) making an assumption that any public hospital ward is adquately staffed is reasonable. How could one not even question that assumption in this day and age?

I am genuine when I say I am glad you have not had the disgracefully poor experience that I, my family members (all with complex care needs) and friends have suffered at the hands of multiple NHS hospitals, one of which is allegedly 'best in class'. How genuinely lucky you were to not just receive pain medication/interventions, but for it to be delivered in a timely fashion. This doesn't actually appear to be a common experience. But perhaps the hospital you and your family members have been to is particularly well run and shockingly well staffed.

Whilst it may be true that not every hospital will be as horrendously bad as the 5 London hospitals we've experienced, not every hospital will be as good as the one you have experienced. As in every situation, the OP should hope for the best and plan for the worst. The worst is that she will have little to no help, won't receive pain medication on time (if at all) and will want her DH there to advocate for her, which isn't unreasonable. In fact she has said she would like him there and he's declined, which is very poor on his part, and exactly why I said I agreed with @Sofiewoo

I think however well meaning posters are reassuring the OP that she’ll be fine are missing the significance of the hysterectomy. There are very few circumstances where this would be planned electively as it’s a high risk procedure. I’m assuming therefore that OP has a condition such as accreta.

I think you need to have a good chat with your consultant and midwife about what recovery will look like for you and then have the discussion with your husband once you have more information. It may well be that you’ll be on HDU rather than the standard postnatal ward in which case staffing levels will be very different. You also probably need to think what the plan is for childcare etc if you’re admitted for a while. It may make more sense that DH is at home with your other children to help reassure them that everything’s ok. Are you able to deliver in your local hospital or does it mean you have to go to a bigger centre? Like anything with childbirth there will be an element of play it by ear!

Can you see if your team have any contacts for support groups etc for women in your position? It might be helpful to have a chat with women who have been in your situation. Might also be helpful for your DH to chat to the partners, it may be he’s scared to see you go through such major surgery (on top of the stress about having a new baby) and this is him handling to badly.

In some religious communities (I am familiar with one) the reason they use doulas is that there are restrictions on their husbands touching them during and after child birth.

I've given birth on both the NHS and in a US hospital. The doctors were equally qualified but the nurse/midwife staffing was not comparable (North America uses nurses rather than midwives for postnatal care). The US absolutely has better nursing ratios. That's the one part of it it does better. It made a significant difference in my experiences.

Then you've been very lucky. That's all.

A lot of us have very frightening and traumatic experiences in hospital.

I think a lot of women cope very badly, and from reading their own accounts are traumatised by the ordeal. Just because they get through it doesn't mean it's ok and her husband shouldn't do what he can to help.

Oh no, an uncomfortable chair 😕 I bet OP is having a wonderful time after 2 surgeries, and who LIKES hospitals?

Yes its called niddah but I don't think that's the only reason they have doulas. After all, you could just get anyone who isnt of their religion to touch them or pass them things, such as the midwives. I think its as much a female support thing. After all, its open to women who don't observe niddah too.