DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

Yes he should stay if you want him to. You are having major surgery, you will have a newborn and by all accounts nursing care is sub standard due to the failing NHS. If you have childcare arrangements for other DC it is not going to kill him to have a poor nights sleep in order to support his wife who not only has carried his child for 9 months but undergone 2 major operations. Tell him to man up and stop being so selfish.

I agree. I literally had zero help after a complex c-section with internal bleeding. My eyes were practically still crossed from the drugs, and I was left to look after a baby alone. I don’t think I could even reach the buzzer half the time, and when I did eventually manage to press it, nobody came. Apart from the one person who eventually did come and was angry with me for ringing it. I’d love to say that I was unusual, but I don’t think I was.

What happened with your previous children? If he stayed before and regretted it, will the conditions be the same this time? Are there ways to mitigate some of the problems he had? If you haven't had the option of his staying in the past, do both of you understand what to expect? Would it be worth having someone at the facility walk you through the set-up and address any big questions? Or do you know anyone who has given birth there recently that could describe what to expect? I think the two of you should discuss it fully - your reasons for wanting him to stay, his objections - and see where you end up.

I get what you’re saying about discussing it, but I do feel like this is the time where he should be trying to mitigate her problems, not her trying to mitigate his. There are a few times in life when you get to call the shots and I would say giving birth, and the aftermath, is one of them.

Lots if people don’t want their partner with them (probably me, TBH), lots of people do want their partner with them.

But, you’ve said you do and given the circumstances, that’s all that matters.

No I wouldn't want my hubby to stay, visiting is fine as he would be home for the kids and still has work etc aswell, plus he is good at chores round the house when I'm not around lol

I swear I’m single because I expect men to be supportive and am always let down

meanwhile my 75 year old dad is picking me up after gynae surgery today and has offered to sleep on my sofa if I feel unwell

That’s two major surgeries and I would be more than a little hurt. Your hormones will be very disrupted as well as a hysterectomy is a very sudden menopause. I had a c-section with my first child and yes there’s a button to press but they are usually too busy to help. What are his reasons for not staying? My only advice to you re c section is do eat a lot of friut and fibre ( weetabix is good), avoid constipation at all costs. This happened to me and was agony because of stitches. Your husband doesn’t count caring or have empathy to be honest. Even to emotionally support you and think my wife will be scared / tired / in pain.

I think the sad expectation here is that women are expected to cope, not feel pain or need care and just focus on the baby. It doesn’t work like that. It’s unavoidable that op will prob be in pain, have pain killers, and need to stay up all night with the baby. @swampwomp your husband is disappointing. If he really won’t stay with you, do you have a helpful person that can stay. I know it’s not the same as it would enable him to bond with the baby but you need to put you first x

NHS guidelines state a hystectomy that isn’t performed vaginally should lead to a 4-5 day hospital stay, they also state if you don’t have help at home your LA should be able to provide this. You also shouldn’t be lifting anything more than 3kg for 6-8 weeks and should be resting as much as possible.

How odd that many people think you don’t need any of the above if you’ve also had a c-section.

And I am cringing at all the competitive women showing off who managed to do it all after a major operation. I never had a Caesarean section but I know it is abdominal surgery and of course women are in pain. There is nothing wrong in admitting that. And having to manage a newborn too. Crazy.

And all this nonsense about the man being fully rested. I bet everything I own that a man who is point-blank refusing to stay in hospital, is not the kind of man that will be doing everything for his wife and children the next day.

Some people hate hospitals, and the expectation he should spend a night in a chair is not fair.

Poor poor man. Having to sleep in a chair, how unfair!! What if the woman hates hospitals? Oh she gets no choice and should just quietly suck it up and not expect her husband to support her.

Ive had 3 c sections & my dh didn't stay overnight for any of them. I was absolutely fine without him - the midwives were really attentive over night. And it made much more sense for him to be fully rested so he could properly help me during the day so I could n doze, have a shower etc. He left the hospital each night at 10 & was back by 9am.

This is another thread where I am grateful for the husband I have. We support each other unconditionally. The low expectations of many women here never ceases to amaze and sadden me.

I had prem twins and emergency c section staff do their best but really not enough of them to help the level needed which is why partners can stay

I too had a c/s after twins and no the nurses didn’t come when buzzed. I had to pick them up with my teeth and ended up missing meals because they forgot I was there. The fact I was attached to things and struggled to move quickly out of bed and get down corridors to collect food didn’t seem to register. So I had zero sleep and very little food living mostly on snacks I’d bought in. My husband wanted to stay but wasn’t allowed.

I’ve read things have deteriorated on maternity wards since, not improved.

It’s official, the bar is in hell.

I don’t think stinking, snoring and inconsiderate men playing on their phones, sleeping in chairs, eating and milling around have any place on post partum wards with women who are partially clothed, bleeding, trying to breastfeed and in pain.

But I’m clearly in a minority because judging by this thread, women these days will implode if they haven’t got their DHs with them 24/7.

Yes you are clearly in the minority, those men you describe are not ones I recognise.

I understand your concerns OP, but the reality is this.
I’d let him go home, get some good rest and give a the house a good clean and tidy ready for you getting home x

Can't say I blame him just look at all the posts on here from women moaning that a man's on the ward! I wouldn't want to stay either 🙁 let alone trying to sleep on a hard chair

Hardly. There aren't enough staff to help during the day time, never mind at night.

Plus OP is also having a hysterectomy so may need more care and help immediately after the operation. Normally, women who have had a hysterectomy can rest and take it easy. If OP is left on her own with the baby overnight, this won't be possible.

I just dont get the 'well I wont get any sleep but you also need to have no sleep and probably then you can drive home unsafely on no sleep'

Aside from your summary not describing many husbands it’s well documented that maternity services are awful now. Ignore away the many posts that illustrate what it’s like for women up and down the country however you are just showing your ignorance.

When things have improved women won’t need their partners on maternity wards until then they very much do. Paeds is the same.

Depends what hospital you’re at. The chairs don’t unfold at the one I work and had my kids in.