DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

Most people who have just had major abdominal surgery are not 'fine'. It's actually very strange how you could be fine straight after considering you can't even move your legs for hours! It was a lovely experience to have my partner there as after all she's his baby too

YANBU.

If you want him with you to care for the baby, and help you with anything you need, he should at least discuss it with you rather than immediately dismiss it out of hand.

He can get more sleep beforehand to cope. Have you got support once back home to relieve him from caring for you and the DC, to allow him time to rest too?

You’ll be recovering from pregnancy, the delivery and a major operation, with all the emotions and physical discomfort that entails. And trying to bf. You’ll need a look of support. You should expect it from loved ones.

What is this 'so much to do at home' that you speak of?

Did you not read the bit where she says she's having a hysterectomy too??

The nurses come when you buzz and do everything for you, change baby, help you to feed, help baby latch on, take you to the loo etc.

There's a very strong possibility that they'll do almost none of this.

You will be fine wether he stays or not. Many hospitals don't allow overnight stays - if it was necessary they would all allow it. A planned c section will be likely done early I had mine early afternoon and was out of bed by that evening

Its important to be there for the children together. A child needs a father and mother there to support them through life.

Unclear why he would immediately rule it out. Unless he's trying to manage expectations here. He may well want to look after your other children, which would make a ton of sense - if you don't need to call him other people to look after them why would you?

Your main concerns seem to be that you might need to get to your baby, and that you had a bit of a bad experience last time because you thought the nursing staff were "annoyed" at being asked for help?

1. Unless you were asking for something daft and were unpleasant when asking for it then they were not annoyed - they may have been busy and didn't have time to chat/have a full on conversation - many birthing wards are horribly understaffed at the moment - so I wouldn't take it at all personally;
2. If you need help then ask for it - and keep on asking for it if you are in difficulty. If you aren't getting what you need then use the hospital phone, speak to the operator etc and ask for the patient advocate - they will help you.
3. your experience this time is going to be different than the "V" births you had before: you will be having a C Section and a hysterectomy, so the med team will understand that you will have more difficulty than previously. Depending on the size of your baby you may also not be able to lift them directly after having the surgery (most babies will be well within the weight limitation, but everyone is different - and you're having two procedures done!). So the med team will understand that you may need help lifting baby. You're not new to dealing with a baby once they arrive, so presumably if you're worried about lifting baby to give them a drink you could ask for help using a breast pump so you can feed via a bottle (a bit less lifting if you are in pain/finding it painful to have baby resting on your surgery area etc.
4. Only you know your husband and what his other obligations are...if he needs to go to work then it would make sense he'd need some sleep.
5. Do you have some really good friends/family members who could come to the hospital and stay with you for a few hours at a time during the period when your husband is with your other kids/sleeping? I know if one of my sisters was having a baby and needed a pal that I'd happily head over and give her husband a break...as would my other family members.
6. Please try to ignore the posts who immediately respond with "HE'S AN ASSHOLE!!!!!" responses...they don't know you both, and sadly on forums like this there are people who love drama and love to see the worst in situations. They may also be projecting based on the behaviours they've experienced in their own horrible relationships - so understandably they tend to be a bit triggered by certain things. It's not clear what words your husband exactly used with you, or the context/mood of the conversation, so for all we know your husband may have gotten the impression you weren't fussed either way, or wanted to have him home with the other kids etc etc.

Well, one is just tired while the other is recovering from a double major surgery and aftermath. So the ‘just tired’ one should suck it up.

There's no need to neg the situation before you actually know what the situation is. This is indeed what maternity wards are supposed to do. But of course sometimes they are more busy than usual/have a whole load of people in labour at the exact same time etc etc etc.
In this case the OP isn't just having a V-birth baby: she's having a C-section AND a hysterectomy: they will be expecting that she will be needing some post-partum help in addition to post-major surgery help. They will understand that she will have surgical restrictions on what she can do - including lifting.
If you need something in hospital - and stress "NEED" and aren't getting then buzz again. If you are still not getting it then call the main hospital switch board and ask for the patient advocate or whatever the hospital calls it where you are.

Being kind and respectful to the nurses/other staff also helps when you arrive, as does being clear in your communications about what you need. If you say "don't bother" or that youre "fine" then they will operate on that basis. Sadly far too many british people in particular have a tendency of saying one thing and meaning another. And far too many people talk down to people who aren't doctors (I was on a ward the other month and most of the other patients were treating the health care assistants etc like servants/lower class non-entities. I don't do that - as far as I'm concerned everyone deserves to be treated kindly and with respect. And guess who got awesome care?????

Yes, I'm sure everyone who was treated badly or had their calls for help ignored simply weren't obsequious enough with the staff.

I'd rather be realistic about it now than encourage the OP to rely on support that is not guaranteed.

Well, with an attitude like that it's becoming more clear why the staff may have not wanted to move heaven and earth to assist you.

Of course nothing in life is guaranteed! The NHS is not a private hospital experience: if you want to be waited on hand and foot have your baby in a private ward.

You seem to be someone who would rather focus on the negative. And is ignoring the objective fact that the vast majority of people who have their children in an NHS maternity ward are very well cared for and have a good experience. OP has already had other children before, so she knows generally what to expect. Your negativity is entirely unhelpful.

Yes, the last time I was on a ward, I broke the call bell myself so I couldn't get any help with the sheer force of my negativity.

Or it might have been an electrical fault. Who knows these things?

Yanbu especially as you are getting a hysterectomy as well. Even if he just stayed the first night. I have had two c sections (emergency and then elective) emergency he stayed first night and my elective he didn't. It was so much easier than my first but I didn't have an added hysterectomy on top of it. He should support you in your choice

As far as I am concerned, the father of the baby staying isn’t optional if the mother wants his presence. If he is unavailable someone else needs to take his place.
the baby needs an dedicated advocate who is not incapacitated from childbirth or surgery. A vulnerable child should not be left in the hospital without a parent by their side at all times. A mother who has just had surgery may not be able to do everything for the baby or converse in detail about the babies medical needs.

he needs to stay for the duration.

Great point @Ponderingwindow

This is not just a c-section. I have not had a hysterectomy but I understand it can be incredibly debilitating.

Some people hate hospitals, and the expectation he should spend a night in a chair is not fair.

His reasoning is probably that there are nurses there to help, he won't get any sleep and it's unnecessary. He can get a decent night's sleep at home and be capable of helping with everything the following day.

You tell your husband for me that he’s a pussy.
Or even better, show him this thread of all the courageous women who have gone through 9 months of pregnancy and those complications and then a C-section and a hysterectomy and had a pussy of a husband who couldn’t manage even one night in the hospital with the woman he promised to love forevermore.
You show him this thread, OP.
And congratulations and the best of luck with your new (!!) baby and your operation. ❤️

Have you asked what is the procedure in hospital in your situation.
You may find the nurses care for the baby overnight until you are capable enough yourself

My dh had to look after our eldest so couldn’t stay when I had a c section with twins. So I was on my own with two babies. The nurses came to help and looked after one of them. You may find because you are having a hysterectomy as well there is already something in place to help you.

Ah the C Section. The only abdominal surgery where you are expected to mind a vulnerable newborn and feed it the same day as the surgery.

Of course he should stay with you. Of course it doesn't matter a damn if he is "rested" - the OP will be in pain - from having her actual abdomen cut open - trying to feed, trying to get a bowel movement going, wearing compression socks in case of a pulmonary embolism - so yeah i think her husband might want to forego perfect rest for a couple of nights to help her and his newborn baby.

The bar is SO low for men.

Of course he should stay. You're the one having major surgery so you're the one who gets to decide - he should be supporting you.

My own personal experience: I've had 2 c-sections. The first my husband was not allowed to stay overnights and for the second one he was. Having his help made things SO much easier, physically and emotionally. He changed all nappies overnight, brought the baby to me when she needed feeding, and helped with any crying.

The hospital staff are busy, especially overnight when there are less of them, and can't be relied upon to assist you.

I would have really struggled if my partner didn't stay, our DS was 10lb 7oz born and I could not lift him that first night. Plus there were 2 emergency births come into the hospital and all the staff were gone for hours.

But if there isn’t support for the op then it has to be her dh. She’s having a c section and hysterectomy and there will be a baby to look after. She can’t get the baby out of crib full stop.

And how was it when you had a csection and hysterectomy at the same time? Was bending and reaching and lifting a baby quite manageable?

im being sarcastic because you didn’t have that, you didn’t have such major surgery but you are perfectly willing to tell an anxious woman about to that she will be totally fine. It’s like saying you should be able to walk on your broken ankle, when I sprained mine I was back hobbling at work the next day.
(for what it’s worth I think women deserve full support with the baby overnight after a csection, and my dh was my support after difficult natural births)

It isn’t staying needlessly overnight. Op will need her dh to pick the baby up. I’ve had a hysterectomy. She will struggle to stand up, may need to stay in bed for 24 hours post op if she’s wobbly and will be able to lift and carry.