DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

And then there are 2 other types of midwives, some of which do not undergo standardised midwifery training but can call themselves midwives. They can practice in some states and are responsible for the high rate of homebirth morbidity we see in the US. You don't have midwives in the way the rest of the world do, and doulas are never clinically trained.

Pipe down. You know nothing.

If I remember rightly, you can easily reach for baby as the cot is right next to you. The hospital bed is electronic so you can prop yourself up and down with the remote control which also enables you to reach your bed tray for food, drink, mobile phone. You might want to hold baby most of the time anyway. You won’t be getting out of bed for the first 12-24 hours and you’ll have a catheter so no toilet trips. The midwives are on hand so you won’t be stuck.

I don’t like other people’s husbands in a shared postnatal ward overnight but that’s another well debated thread!

Not in the UK but public health system. Here partners have to stay with you for 3 nights if you have a C-section as they keep you in that long and nurses are not for changing babies or helping you to the bathroom which you absolutely do need unless the keep the catheric in, even then I needed the nurse and my DH once the drugs wore off. So I would find out what is the expectation of the hospital on both of these.

However you do get a private room and we both did get some sleep in it. I can't imagine being on a ward with a baby unable to move and even less so if other people's partners are there but mine isn't so I really hope he changes his mind.

Initially my DH was horrified he was expected to be at the birth but once he found it was considered his job he stepped up to it and so well I fell in love with him all over again.

sit up, and pick up a 3kg weight sitting in a tub next to the bed. Carefully gently carry 3kg weight over to you. Put it on a clear Sq m of bed and picture nappy Changing (where are your wipes and nappies by the way) then feed, then transfer 3kg baby 80cm to the side and back down. Cannot be done without using abdominals. Can be done if your or babies life depended on it. Absolutely should not be done by a recovering mum who just had a csection and hysterectomy.

I’m not sure the squabbling about doulas is particularly constructive for the OP. If she’s having a Caesarian hysterectomy she’s clearly having a complex pregnancy as the only reason to do the two at the same time is if the risk of leaving the uterus in is worse than the risk of taking it out (which is usually due to placental accreta or in some cases sadly due to cancer). Obviously OP doesn’t have to share that reason here but it’s not a decision the team will have taken lightly. I really think OP and her husband need to have a chat with her obstetrician or midwife so they have a better picture of what recovery might look like (are they expecting she’d need HDU care, what’s the plan for the baby if she has a strong reaction to the anaesthetic/drugs etc.) Then they’ll be better placed to have a discussion regarding how DH can best support OP and their other children.

For what it’s worth I had a long hospital admission with my son (3 plus weeks) and I’d have really struggled without my DH being with me. And I didn’t even have any surgery! You have my full sympathies OP.

😂😂LOL look at you being so defensive and lashing out. You aren't the authority on anything - midwives, doulas, or otherwise. It's amusing that you are telling other people to be quiet though. With an attitude like that you must be absolutely insufferable IRL lol! I certainly hope you aren't a midwife/doula - would feel terribly sorry for any woman who has to deal with your awful temper and prickly ego. The fact you haven't got a clue what the difference between federal and state law is tells us all we need to know about you. Byeeee

I’m glad that was your experience. I was treated with contempt. One healthcare assistant was kind to me though and I’ll never forget her.

The first time I had surgery it was on my throat. There were serious complications. I was finally moved to a room while unconscious. They didn’t put a call button in the bed. I woke up many hours later, unable to speak, barely able to move, and with no way to call for help. It really emphasized to me how vulnerable people are in hospitals.

When I had DD, there was a bed for DH. It wasn’t the nicest bed in the world, it was basically a built in camping cot, but neither is a hospital bed. They even had bedding for him. I think I might have preferred his thin mattress to my ridiculously hot essentially plastic mattress.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/us-home-births-may-never-be-successful-those-other-countries-180963108/

"

U.S. Home Births Aren’t As Safe As Many Abroad
Home birth doesn’t have to be a dangerous and deadly proposition–but in the United States, it often is
Kat Eschner
May 5, 2017

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Many women who choose midwife-assisted birth do so because it's associated with fewer medical interventions like caesarean sections. iStock
Home birth is on the rise in the United States and other countries, although less than one percent of all U.S births take place at home.

In Canada and many other developed nations, it can be as safe as birth in a hospital for some women. But in the United States, it’s very dangerous compared with hospital birth. That isn’t because home birth is always more dangerous in all cases—it’s because home birth in the United States isn’t part of the medical system, and not all midwives are equal in terms of their medical education.
A 2016 study found that child mortality in Oregon—the place with the best records in the United States on this matter—was stunningly high compared to hospital birth.

Children were seven times more likely to die during planned home births, according to Amy Tuteur for The New York Times, and the perinatal death rate—the rate of death in the weeks just before and after birth—of babies for whom home birth was planned was three times that of hospital births.
“Could racial or economic differences, or poor prenatal care, explain this deadly difference between home births here and in Canada,” she asked? “No.”
The problem is that there are two types of midwives in the United States. The first, certified nurse midwives, called C.N.M.s, are perhaps the best-educated, best-trained midwives in the world, exceeding standards set by the International Confederation of Midwives. Their qualifications, similar to those of midwives in Canada, include a university degree in midwifery and extensive training in a hospital diagnosing and managing complications.
The other, certified professional midwives, or C.P.M.s, fall far short of international standards. One 2010 study of midwives published in The Journal of Perinatology found that home births attended by nurse midwives had double the neonatal mortality rate of hospital births attended by nurse midwives, while home births attended by C.P.M.s and other midwives had nearly four times that rate.
This second class of poorly trained midwives attend the majority of American home births. And yet they are legal in only 28 states; in the rest of the country, many practice outside the law."

When we study to be midwives here, we discuss how terrible your maternity system is and how poorly educated your staff are. We have placements from American students who learn how to conduct births safely outside of an operating theatre because they don't know how to. Im not defensive, i am right.

lol tell me you didn’t have. C section recently without telling me…

No the bassinet isn’t within easy reach, no you won’t be expected to stay in bed for 24 hours you’ll be told to get up and walk within 6-8 hours no matter your pain, no a lot of your food isn’t brought to you ( my first meal after a 6pm section was breakfast and if you didn’t go and get it yourself you didn’t get it) no the midwives aren’t on hand to provide basic care for your baby, no you won’t want to just hold a newborn for 24 hours after surgery.

Have I read that right, that it’s not just a CS but you are getting a hysterectomy at the same time too??

So a stranger should look after OP instead of her actual husband, her partner, the supposed love of her life and the FATHER OF THE BABY? The 'existing children' are being cared for already. And why would it be awful for them to know that mummy has had an operation and so daddy is caring for them?

This. These days you have to be in action almost immediately. They can't take the horribly painful dressing off fast enough, same with the catherter and you have to be on your feet ASAP.
You can wait ages for help especially if it's handover time.

It's not normal for husbands to stay. Presumably not NHS. I think he'd be better looking after other DC. Better with him than someone else.

I had a c section and I needed help most at nighttime as less staff is prefer he went home to sleep
In the daytime

I'd say it's quite common now with the decline of good care people are having to rely on their partners more.

As someone who has worked in maternal and child health in the USA (though not clinically) the CNMs are superb and work in hospital and clinic settings. They have a bachelor's degree in nursing and then at least 2 year master's degree in midwifery, and their outcomes are excellent. Yes, many home births here (and the home birth rate is quite low) are another story but we absolutely do have midwives like the "rest of the world." Not sure what that has to do with this thread though which is about Caesareans!

It’s very normal in some NHS hospitals.

Yeah but you’re also not going to get much sleep in the same circumstances and you’ll have just had major surgery … I think your husband is being incredibly selfish.