To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

I’m with you, except I’m not sure “having it out” will achieve much. Ignorance is rarely reversed by any rational argument. But a very, very poor show from your DH.

Then your DH is the problem. Your poor DD almost certainly understands his real views and is expressing her hurt at your in laws by proxy, because she can't bring herself to express - or perhaps process - how hurt she is by her own dad.

Oh that poor lad. And for God's sake what on earth is your DH playing at, what kind of lesson is he teaching his daughter, that you don't stand up to bullies??? What did you say in response to your MIL because I'm not sure I'd have been able to be polite!

Did you give PIL the heads up about BF?

Was about to ask the same

It’s dreadful op. Disgraceful.

I can only feel really pleased that you are clearly so understanding and accepting of him, and you should feel very proud of your dd in that she clearly takes after you ( not ILs)

Please be lovely to him when you next see him - for his sake and your DDs. You don’t need to refer to the awful meal, but kindness and respect say so much and can help to unpick.

The ILs sound entirely unevolved.

They should have been informed beforehand he had an anxiety disorder that meant he wouldn't speak to them.

When they started to huff about that they should have been made aware how to treat people appropriately.

Then finally at the meal yesterday when they started, they could have been pulled at the table that they had been told prior about the likelihood, and their questions are inappropriate.

Unless the first 2 happen... the 3rd is difficult.

Did you prepare them?

You also have a DH problem. He should have done 1, 2 & 3. Instead he joined in (privately) which is somehow worse.

I hope it helps the boy gather motivation to overcome the condition. It will stunt his life in many worse ways than a few jibes at a meal with new people.

Has your DH been pretending to be understanding and accepting of your dd's bf all this time when underneath he is actually not accepting at all?
Or do you think he feels embarrassed in front of his parents, as they sound very overbearing, and I can imagine your DH may have regressed in their company to feeling shame.

Not excusing it but trying to understand where your DH is coming from. Because he needs to be more understanding and accepting.

How is he with dd's MH issues?

Sounds like they knew ahead of time in which case they are horrible. My daughter has selective mutism and I will support her forever. and have no problem fighting for her against anyone.

I hope they were warned in advance. Staring blankly at a person and not answering in normal circumstances is unacceptable behaviour so it's really important that they understand the disability. I don't think your DH was right in that the man may not be able to react any differently but did me possibly mean making an effort in more general sense? Like getting expert help to overcome the issue.

I was going to ask this too.

very very horrible.

one of my children has selective mutism it’s fucking horrendous for them. I would send a link over to the PIL that explains selective mutism and state to them if they need any further education then to let you know

If I saw my DH obviously not going to have a quiet word with them, then I would have.
My daughter has SM so I understand how awful that situation was for them both :(

Keep these ignorant people away from him in future. They will never even try to understand how brave he was to even show up for this.
I would be fuming at your DH, I understand not making a fuss in front of the lad but he should have had a word somehow.
I hope they know they've probably set him back. Horrible people.
You and your daughter sound lovely and supportive though.

Honestly as a parent I would be concerned about my 18yo daughter having a partner who is unable to even order a meal for himself or can’t speak a word to us, if I’m honest. But I absolutely would never say anything to the person in question or probably even voice my thoughts to anyone other than DH. To confront him in public about it is incredibly rude and unfair.

Perhaps your DH feels uncomfortable about the relationship and so is being more hands off/reluctant to tackle his parents’ behaviour than he might be otherwise. Assume PIL knew about the mutism? Otherwise it might have just come across as a very odd situation.

I don’t blame your DD for not wanting in-laws around her bf again. It sounds like a very horrible evening out!

Why did you not say anything or tell them to stop? Yes it should be your dh but you sat there too and watched them bully this boy and upset your daughter.

Pressure to speak has the opposite effect on people with SM. It makes it worse. The PILs just fucked him up further.

People don’t have disorders like selective mutism because they are unmotivated

I don't agree with you on DH not speaking up in front of his parents. They need to be educated and a proper chat should have been had beforehand, your DD should have ensured that happened. Also your DD chose to sit there and let her BF feel intimidated, why didn't she speak up on his behalf? She will need to learn how to do this if she wants to be with him. This scenario will probably repeat itself over and over. You also didn't speak up for him and just let it happen too, so why so mad at DH? Because they are his parents, I get it but it's not always easy to stand up to parents and it can be a complex relationship. Maybe he knew they would get worse and become abusive and ruin his daughters birthday meal or fall out with him, lots of reasons why he shut up. Maybe he was waiting for DD to speak up and didn't feel it was his place to defend a man who has literally never spoken to him. It sounds like all 3 of you were responsible for the mess but mostly your DD. She needs to start advocating for him and that starts with educating her family and failing that, ensuring grandparents don't go to a restaurant with her BF.

Would you have qualms about your daughter dating someone deaf? Or blind? or in a wheelchair? It's not like these people have a choice to just 'get over it' - am sure he's been working on this his entire life. It is so difficult and the smallest thing can set them back. Of course this isn't anyone's else's problem but I encourage my daughter to be creative in how she can communicate in different situations - pointing, using her phone, etc. etc.

Once she's comfortable or used to something it's fine - but new situations, new people, new restaurants can trigger her. She is well aware that she's not typical and she tries, but the shame of failing is intense and I will never, ever add to that.

Nasty and smug. I hope if your perfect children find lovely partners with issues they cannot help, they ignore your opinion and just be happy.
There are worse things you know, like arrogant abusers.

Let’s bully them then, they must be evil people?

"Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there."

And what did you say and do?

As an aside your daughter sounds lovely. I am always so grateful when my daughter finds people who 'get' her - she has a core group of really good friends and I will never take that for granted. Her bestie from the start of school knows that she is absolutely going to be ordering for her when they go out (they're 12 now) and my daughter in turn knows that she's going to be helping her add up the totals as this girl is dyslexic and struggles with menus.