To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

They are self entitled cunts (in laws) who think they are above everyone else. They show no respect or empathy for other people. I know these types of people. Deep down they have a lot of insecurities which is why they behave in this nasty way. I cannot bare people like this. I bet they think they are well educated and knowledgeable people but they are lacking so much

Because their behaviour was utterly shitty. They deserve to be “vilified”.

And then the OP carried on with the evening whilst nothing changed, so she hardly said anything meaningful.

Meanwhile her DD said nothing and it was her boyfriend that her family were being horrible to.

Of course the DH should've stepped in, but he's not the only one to blame here.

I would've voted with my feet to be honest.

Regardless of whether the in laws had concerns about the relationship, I would have thought that manners would dictate you don’t raise them at a social occasion in front of the person in question.

it’s outrageously rude.

I would be contacting PILs and saying the following. I wouldn't wait for DH.

You invited PILs for a meal to celebrate your DD's birthday.
They responded by bullying and mocking her BF causing both of them such distress she was in tears by the time she got home.
Their behaviour was ignorant and disgusting. They owe her an apology and they will not be invited to such events in future since they are quick to mention social behaviour and manners but don't employ them themselves.

Sorry.. I know that's blunt but I'd be furious with them.

The long and short of it is that some people are shits. Your in laws are shits. A few people on the thread are shits. All the arguing in the world won’t change the fact, that people are shits. OP if you continue to be supportive and accepting of your daughter’s boyfriend I’m sure his SM will allow him to speak with you, hopefully soon. Please be patient and continue to be kind. Remember this is someone’s baby - my baby is 10 and selectively mute and I hope as he grows he is shown kindness and empathy.

I'm sorry but this post makes me so angry with your DH. Things seem great between OP, DD, BF, and a number of other people. The ones who can't fit into the family (DH, MiL, FiL) can sling their hook. Move on, don't invite MiL & FiL to future family events. DD has made a choice, your role is to be by her side and she & BF need to know that you have their back. DH needs to realise his choice - he either is part of his own family or he sticks with his parents.

Simples.

Aside from bullying her guest, they also RUINED HER BIRTHDAY MEAL OUT! Absolute gobshites. I wouldn’t be inviting them out anywhere with me! Even if o didn’t understand something I wouldn’t dream of abusing the person! Jesus.

This post is right, but I wouldn't contact PIL - it makes the situation unrecoverable, no way back. Just get on with the rest of your life & if PIL wish to recognise their mistake and apologise, then be generous in moving on. You don't need to lower yourself to their level.

I hadn’t heard that - situational mutism is definitely the wording I will use from now on. Thanks.

I don’t think that selective mutism should be considered a mental health condition requiring increased reliance.

It is clearly a physiological condition with stress hormones impacting on the functioning of numerous organs - heart, lungs, digestion, vision, hearing, pain recognition - in response to perceived existential threat. I once read a book on why zebras don’t get ulcers that describes the way in which stress hormones shut down functions not needed to short term survival to push resources to more needed resource. Speech is one of the functions shut down so selective mutism is an evolutionary advantage.

No one consciously controls the release of stress hormones or their effect on the body. Or the situations in which hormones are released. Over reactive amygdala, trauma response, horrific event. It’s not something you can control by will. And the experience of powerlessness is in itself traumatising.

In laws were cruel. If I were equally cruel I would trigger an automatic response and then mock them. But I am better than that.

Oh now I have read the pp saying they have links with the charity. I think it still needs a name change - there is precedence. For instance, bipolar: every article about it references the fact it used to be called manic depression.

Yes, but that is an official name change. We all agree the current name isn't helpful (it is actually accurate and non judgemental but people don't understand the medical terminology).
If and when SM gets a new name we'll be at the front cheering. But it's important that people do know what the condition is - especially since situational mutism is an unofficial name used in autistic circles for more occasional shutdowns. Which is a completely different scale of problem in most cases.

But names do get changed or merged regularly - e.g. spastic, manic depression, Asperger's. We don't have to cling to condition names which are inaccurate and potentially pejorative. SMIRA accepts situational mutism on its website as an alternative.

Not really we don't!

We have said that selective mutism is the name and must be used in diagnosis. We have said we prefer that selective mutism is used with an explanation as to what selective means. We obviously can't stop people with the condition from using whichever term they want (and not would we wish to) but we do not want trainers only using situational mutism or telling families their child has situational mutism or saying it's the preferred term.

And selective mutism isn't inaccurate or perjorative in fact - though of course it gets misinterpreted a lot.

Aspergers was merged officially in DSM 5 with autism. Ditto bipolar vs manic depression.

Situational mutism isn't a recognised or defined condition and we need to protect people who have SM by ensuring their diagnosis is of a valid condition.

In the meantime, everyone is free to lobby for a change of name of course.

Speaking for myself I don't like situational as I think it sounds trivial and also certain people are often the "situation" which I think would cause a different form of confusion. But it's not up to me of course.

This was their grand daughters birthday meal and they chose that time to pick holes in her disabled boyfriend. What positive reason could there possibly be for that?

The answer is none.

I don't think I could have any time for them after that behaviour and I'm with your DD on the fact that they're not welcome when her BF is there.

Your DH sounds like an ignorant twat too, i guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Poor kid. Do you know what is it she is afraid of? Is it the sound of her voice, the eyes focused on her, the fear of saying something wrong? Or do you have any idea at all?

i don’t entirely know but part of it that she is really scared about being wrong. She will never raise her hand if she is not 100% sure and she won’t do anything if she’s definitely not good at it. Some things are better than when she was younger but she will always have her struggles with anxiety.

They behaved very rudely and unkindly. I'm very surprised with your experience of a sibling with this disorder that you don't recognise and dislike this behaviour. You'll know from experience it did not help your sibling.

I would argue that, given his mother was happy to share her opinion of a teenager's MH condition loudly in public while the teenager himself was sat right there, she absolutely should have had a solid dressing-down loudly in public too.

Don’t give up your day job…

Yeah, good point, but presumably DD was already upset so maybe a private "chat" was more appropriate? Tell MIL if she does it again, it will be a public telling off - the potential embarrassment factor of that could be an effective detterrant?

Maybe because she’s 17, shy and has been dealing with mental health issues? A lot of 17 year-olds wouldn’t feel able to publicly take on their grandparents; presumably people they’ve been brought up to respect.

People tend to think of the grandparent-grandchild relationship as being important to small children. But it can be an invaluable when you’re a teenager too. At a time when you’re likely to be clashing with your parents on a fairly regular basis as you negotiate growing up, a grandparent can feel like a source of unconditional love - from a practical level if nothing else, as they’re typically not the ones setting boundaries or dealing with discipline. They can just love you without worrying about your curfew, whether you’ve completed your coursework on time etc..

OP’s in-laws have let their granddaughter down BADLY here. They’ve ruined her birthday and made someone she cares about feel incredibly uncomfortable. Why did they put someone they’re supposed to love in a position where she, or anyone, had to stick up for her boyfriend?

As for saying you’d expect the boyfriend to stick up for OP’s daughter in similar circumstances, did you miss the part of the thread where it was explained that this is about the most difficult thing you could possibly ask of him?