To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

Which is exactly why people should not make assumptions or share uneducated opinions

Who has bullied OP's PILs? No-one. They are the bullies.

I'm team inlaws.

If you were meeting someone for the first time and your daughter in law said 'this person has selective mutism and cannot speak in most situations. He is a lovely boy and my daughter really likes him' and your first instinct is to make fun of him about it then that's a you (them) problem. Spend 2 minutes looking up the condition or at least be kind about something you should be thankful not to understand.

Just to add – yes they did know ahead of time. We’ve told them before about his selective mutism and they’ve met him quite a few times already. This isn’t new to them. They’ve never been warm exactly but last night was just another level.

When MIL started with the comments I said quite firmly “He’s got a condition, he’s not being rude,” and when FIL kept trying to force convo I said “You know he doesn’t talk to people he’s not comfortable with, please stop making it harder for him.” But they just rolled their eyes and carried on, made it into a joke. DD was trying to act like she was fine but I could tell she was holding it in.

DH has not been that supportive tbh. He’s civil to the lad but he doesn’t go out of his way. And re: DD’s mental health – I do most of the emotional heavy lifting. He’s not horrible but he’s very much a “she’ll be fine” kind of bloke.

Horrible people.

Presumably they knew about bf's disability? They are nasty bullies. They ruined their DGCs birthday celebrations because they wanted to humiliate someone different.

If they had a problem with his SM, her birthday was not the time to raise it!!!!!

Edited because your post above gives a bit more info

Well if someone doesn’t know about a condition then maybe it is best they don’t comment on said condition until they have taken the time to educate themselves

This. How can he pick and choose when to speak ? Genuinely asking. I know of a younger child with this who eventually spoke but a fully grown child in a relationship? Have never heard of a couple in a relationship too.

We’re all going to have opinions, even uneducated one. But I do think they are right about it having an affect on life. Don’t agree with the words used but the message yes I agree with it.

I have a sibling who suffered from this. Thanks.

Not knowing about a condition and having an opinion on a condition are two different things. People will have opinions on everything despite having no knowledge. MN clearly shows this all the time.

Well now you've learned something today. Honestly - if you're interested, look it up. It's a livelong challenge for many people and to be honest, it doesn't sound like his girlfriend's family has made an effort to create a situation where he is even going to move towards trusting them enough to speak. My daughter really, really struggles with new people - she tends to stick to the same people she's known for years and chats away happily. I am aware this will create challenges for her as she grows up and I'm not around as much, but each time we find a new challenge we work out a way through it so I imagine that will continue as she gets older and better at self-advocating. It's very likely she will end up living in a village where she knows everyone, working at home, something a bit different than maybe the norm. She's very happy in many ways and has a lovely life, but this is hard for her.

She's a dancer and one of her favourite things about it is that she doesn't have to speak - and she says you can learn a lot from people by watching them when they aren't talking. I think she sees a lot of things other people miss.

There was a thread recently suggesting the name 'selective' mutism should be changed as it implies the sufferer controls it and 'selects' when they want to talk. I admit that what I thought until I read something connected with work (I work in childcare). I still know very little and admit I'd find it very hard to understand. All the more reason why there needs to be more education around it.

Who said anythjng about them being "evil" or "bullying them"....but they certainly bullied the poor guy. How has people bullied OPs in-laws?

This is from the NHS website:

'A child or adult with selective mutism does not refuse or choose not to speak at certain times, they're literally unable to speak.

The expectation to talk to certain people triggers a freeze response with feelings of anxiety and panic, and talking is impossible.'

The goady questions from OP's in-laws would have made everything worse.

If you read this thread you will see vilifying of the in laws.

You invited that boy out for a meal with the family and left him to the wolves. Why didnt you end the dinner and stand up with your daughter and the poor lad and leave?

Why?

I have read the thread. "Villifying the in-laws" on an internet forum is not bullying them. The only bullies are them.

Poor sibling.

YOU should have said something yo defend him - there and then - you can't blame your dh when you said nothing either

How brave of that boy to attend at all, he must be really smitten with DD 🙂

Or prepare the ground. Talk to your dds bf and ask would he like the extended family to be informed about his condition and if so, how would he like them to be made aware? He should be part of the process.

How horrible for your daughter's bf & daughter. We have a similar situation. As long as my daughter is happy & her bf is kind to her (which he is!) then I don't mind own bit of he doesn't talk to us much. It's been 1.5 years now & he talks to me but not really my husband as much. Still comes for dinner with the family/granny. It's not a show - he doesn't need to amuse them 😬 and pointing to what he wants is ordering, just not the way they want. I would be inclined to stop inviting them to family dinners/celebrations.