To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

I have selective mutism.

i’m 49

in my case it is part of my disabilities - I also use a wheelchair and am visibly disabled.

i have a series of cards that I carry which I can give to people if I cannot talk.

in my case there can be a number of reasons why I can’t talk - sometimes I’m in too much pain too, sometimes my brain just stops working, sometimes people just upset me or worry me (as I am visibly disabled people have verbally abused me and I do get nervous as a result around people I know not to be sympathetic to my disability)

I use these cards,

https://www.stickmancommunications.co.uk/speech

i really feel for the lad, my in laws were also spectacularly unsympathetic to my disabilities (which I got in an accident ten years into my marriage to their son)

This. I didn't speak to anyone at primary school for the first three years. It was fear mostly.

That's not how it works at all.

Another one who doesn’t understand the condition .. you’ll do well sticking with @BarneyRonson

And your view is what what ableism looks like in RL.

Im just worries it’s going to limit her…
Limit in what way? Do you think that people who are mute/death etc… can’t have good relationship and a fulfilling life?
What exactly is limiting?

You might want to review how you think about disabled people tbh. They’re not a sub specie that’s a burden to carry and a weight around your ankle.

I am sorry for being offensive - I was just trying to call out the abelism here. Of course there are many different versions of disabilities that make different experiences challenging. Was just wondering if the PP had thought through exactly what they were saying here - that they got to have some sort of judgement on someone with a challenge they had no control over.

And yes - there are therapies and support available for people with anxiety disorders but it's not like there's a cure. It's a lifelong situation and being in horrible situations like this will trigger people who might actually be fine on other days.

I'm partially blind and god I'd love not to be, in fact I'd do pretty much anything not to be.
Selective mutism is not comparable. Its entirely treatable with therapy and medication, because it is an anxiety disorder

oh my god please tell me how.

I have it as a result of an accident many years ago that badly damaged my body and brain and honestly I’d love to be rid of it. So much the doctors have told me they just can’t fix.

what’s the meds?
what’s the therapy?

You really didn’t, your comments prove this. And if you do, then you clearly still don’t understand the condition even when living with it. Poor girl.

I’d have to shame them.

I’d email the ILs and DH. I’d state that their behaviour ruined DD’s birthday and that you find it difficult to understand why they thought that was an appropriate way to behave. I’d include a couple of links and suggest they apologise to DD, but don’t expect to be invited to special future events.

So you wouldn’t be concerned for your DC at all if they were in relationship with someone with an anxiety disorder? You can have empathy for him having selective mutism, but also be concerned for your child.

I'm sorry to read this @Octavia64
I only know about the cases in children and young people who have it, without physical injury. Your own case sounds very complex and not something that can be generalized about, which is a lesson to me as well, that I remain very specific in my answers and not generalize.

So you agree it will affect his life? So why can’t someone mention that. Also SM is not generally considered a disability. It’s an anxiety disorder.

@BarneyRonson you may have an opinion on what would work for your sibling, but it isn’t relevant to other people with selective mutism.

Would you announce your opinion on the treatment of other medical conditions and expect it to override actual informed medical advice? I hope not.

SM is really not entirely treatable as you state.
<<sigh>> it seems many posters here need educating due to their ignorance.

I realize this now, thanks to @Octavia64 and I do apologize. My knowledge of it is as I say, limited to a few cases in children and young people, not the whole spectrum.

People have criticised the in-laws for their mean behaviour to their grandaughter's boyfriend at their grandaughter's birthday celebration. OP's PILs aren't on this thread so are unaware of people's comments and opinions about their rude behaviour so how can you declare that they are being bullied?

No I wouldnt be concerned to see my child
1- happy
2- in a relationship where they communicate well
3- with someone who has friends, is polite and respectful, is doing their A levels like his peers.

Much prefer that than someone who is judgemental unable to accept difference etc…

But then, I’m physically disabled myself. Dh and dc2 are ND. Ableism has no place in my life or family. And I’ve had learnt the hard way how hurtful these comments are. Even coated with a ‘but I’m just worried about …’. That’s just hypocrisy dressed as being nice and caring.

Thank you for your apology and honesty ❤️ If knowledge of a condition is limited, then it’s maybe best not to put comments out there.

For me personally... no. Obviously my daughter is selectively mute so maybe not who you are targetting with this. But perhaps if I expand this to another mental health issue or physical condition... still no. I trust my daughter and I know she is a loving and empathetic person. I also know that people are complicated and are made up of more than the part of their life that might be more challenging than it is for other people. I'd believe that if my daughter sees something amazing in this person, it's probably because while there's a bit that's trickier, there's something else that's far, far better than other people she's met.

My daughter sometimes can't talk, sure. But she's a wonderful friend, a loving sister, a gifted dancer, a keen environmentalist. She's empathetic and grounded and physically strong. She loves musicals and dances in the street to the music she hears in the wind. She's a lot of other things besides 'sometimes quiet'

So I'd think if she met someone who struggled with depression or similar, she would have a similar reaction and I'd hope I would too. She tends to befriend people who are a bit quirky or unusual and a lot of her friends are very interesting people. I imagine she will probably eventually find a partner who is like this as well and I really hope that I am open to what that looks like.

Your son's girlfriend sounds really lovely and very mature. A lot more mature than OP's horrible PILs.

Trying to call out ableism whilst being ableist 👀

Because the fact it affects his life doesn’t make him a burden or someone to avoid if you want a relationship. It doesn’t make keeper than.

Most people, if not all, have issues. From trauma as a child or an adult, being emotionally immature (That's a hell of a lot of people), anxiety and depression, physical problems etc etc etc….
All of which affects people life in one way or the other.

The difference is that mutism = disability = BAAAD.
Whereas arthritis, endometriosis, migraines etc.. are ‘illnesses’ and seen as ok.

Thats bias and judgement at play. Not reality

I could see something like this happening with my pils. They just don’t seem able to grasp the actual personhood of anyone younger than them, or with obvious disabilities. They cannot seem to adjust their behaviour to accommodate anyone else’s needs. And they confuse their (ignorant) opinions with God’s.

And dh has a tendency to get sucked into the weird family dynamic and lose the ability to think rationally. That has lessened over the years - probably because he’s picked up bad habits in our marriage of thinking, and being taken seriously. But sometimes he seems to disappear a bit around them; his siblings do it too.

Over the years there were a couple of occasions where I’ve had to just get up and walk when I’ve known that they’re not going to be remotely reasonable and it was necessary to protect the dc, and it’s shocked me to the core that dh hadn’t acted first.

Your dh is coming across badly - either he’s too weak to stand up to his dps, or too weak to express his opinion to you and dd’s bf. But kindly, that sounds like the damage narcissistic dps wreak on their dc, and you might need to extend him some grace for that.

What does your dd think of all this? It’s important to centre her, rather than focusing on her bf, or dh or pils. She’s the one who matters most, and it’s a quite complex and nuanced issue.

@PurpleThistle7 your dd sounds lovely

These are great - I might get some. I get a bit worried about my daughter being out and about in the world as I'm not 100% sure she could talk if she really needed to (like to the police etc). So having a few options in her pocket might be really helpful.