To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

It's not that rare.
Probably about 1 percent of primary children. More common than that in bilingual children.
The problem is children with SM aren't obvious and rarely cause behaviour issues in school do they are almost literally invisible and get very little help.

i would say comparing deafness and selective mutism is not the same. just because deaf people "talk" communicate differently does not mean the can't communicate or interact with people.

selective mutism is an anxiety based disorder - deaf people are afraid of communication, they don't ignore or walk away from people when they're trying to communicate with them.

it is not the same. yes they're both disabilities in some way but thats it.

Yup. Teachers love my daughter as she is literally incapable of acting out. So it's really hard to explain it's because she's frozen in terror much of the time.

Being insulted by a couple of ill mannered strangers won't help. What an attitude.

I can imagine.

It’s really upset me and it isn’t personally relevant to me.

Can I understand them potentially be concerned about your DD’s relationship- yeah, I sort of can.

Can I even begin to understand making comments & approaching it the way they did- absolutely not.

As though his mutism includes deafness as a side effect! It is nothing but nasty. You don’t have to understand a person or even like a person to treat them with respect. Good on OP for bringing her DD up so well with all of the negative influences around her.

You kidding right ?

What I think is bad is that they didn't care At ALL how it would make your daughter feel ON HER BIRTHDAY! Empathy bypass. What nasty nasty people. I would go mad at anyone who deliberately made my daughter feel bad at her birthday meal. Grrrrrrrr.

I have a horrible feeling if it were your daughter they would still feel the same. That she should "get over it" or your parenting is to blame. Even if they read up on it, they obvs know better.

They were

And it didn't stop them

And do you not think the poor lad knows that?

OP has said that she did speak up:

'When MIL started with the comments I said quite firmly “He’s got a condition, he’s not being rude,” and when FIL kept trying to force convo I said “You know he doesn’t talk to people he’s not comfortable with, please stop making it harder for him.” But they just rolled their eyes and carried on, made it into a joke. DD was trying to act like she was fine but I could tell she was holding it in.'

I would argue that SM is a pretty complex condition that's associated with sensory overwhelm, expectation, neural oversensitivity (often inherited), social anxiety, neurodiversity esp autism, as well as a shutdown response to the expectation to speak. I don't think many people who really understand SM think it's often a simple anxiety disorder "phobia" that is easily treatable and results in typical communication being restored in all circumstances. Especially where it persists into teenagerhood or beyond.

You say the worst thing about this was your husband not saying anything.

Then you explain that selective mutism is being unable to speak in certain situations.

Maybe your husband had selective mutism in this situation.

Lol

Selective mutism is only diagnosed where the person capable of speech has a persistent and consistent inability to speak in situations where speech is expected, it must last over a month and not be explained by being unfamiliar with the language.

However you have hit upon one of the crucial aspects of communication that impacts SM: that not all pieces of communication are equally easy to say, that some communications are high risk, and that even people who do not have SM may be inhibited from saying certain things for (conscious or unconscious ) fear of the response being risky or incorrect. People with SM are very sensitive to this (it's called communication load) and the inhibition kicks in at a much much lower level of "risk".

Is this meant to be funny?

Fair enough . Maybe her husband will stop speaking for a month.

yes!

It isn't.

I can see why DH didn't have a word with MIL at the time - she 's obviously very ignorant when it comes to people with MH issues - you don't want to be having that sort of conversation in public.
He should have said something in a more private setting though.

Wow. That was an extreme response. Hope you are ok

I thought that you, as someone I considered to be 'old school' based on your posts, would be a stickler for good manners, whatever the occasion. Obviously I was wrong, as you are supporting the grandparents who were blatantly bad mannered and uncouth.

Even if they were sceptical about the boyfriend's selective mutism (which is a diagnosed medical condition) even though OP had explained it to them, to shout out 'he's not very chatty is he?' is breathtakingly rude.

I’m sure he’s tried - its not an easy condition to overcome - not always understood.