To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

Selective mutism is t picking and choosing when to speak. It's becoming so overwhelmed with anxiety you can't get thoughts form your head to your voice. It's awful. It massively impacted my school experience.

That’s rude beyond belief. He’s not offensive, or abusive to DD so it’s nothing to do with your family how he behaves really. You challenged them in a way that was the most appropriate given the circumstances. Hopefully your DD will appreciate that.

If I was you, from here on in I would simply make no effort to facilitate your DD seeing the GP. Just don’t invite them. Willing to bet ‘it’ll be ok’ dad makes precious little effort. They’ve shown a terrible contempt for their DGD and I bet they’ve marked their cards as far as she’s concerned. She’s nearly an adult so can vote with her feet in future. Your job here is simply to make clear you support her and won’t make her do things with them again. Even without the BF.

Although you may want to suggest to your DH that he maybe wants to pick a side before DD votes with her feet with respect to him too. This is the stuff they don’t forget.

Did YOU say anything? Or did you expect DH to do it? And did you tell PiLs in advance?

She answered both of these questions already and it's yes and yes

That's shocking. Shame that your husband has got his twatty behaviour from his twatty parents 😒

Of course it will affect his life, like any disability. Do you think this is news to the OP, her daughter or the boy himself?

Because, being there, she might have judged it would make the boy and her Dd feel worse if the whole evening was unable to continue.

No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think it’s less than ideal for a teenager with a history of poor MH to be dating someone with a serious anxiety disorder that significantly hampers his day to day engagement with the world, and has an associated comorbidity with other conditions like depression and low self-esteem.

That is not to minimise the difficulty with which this young man is dealing (and I salute him for voluntarily putting himself into a social situation I imagine he knew he would find very tough for the sake of his girlfriend’s birthday), but my primary concern as a parent would be for my own child, and the likely effect on her MH of a boyfriend whose advocate she clearly already feels she needs to be.

Yes, the PILs were obviously out of order, and insensitive, and wrecked what should have been a nice occasion, but what would also concern me is that the DD was upset to the point of crying about less than sympathetic responses to her boyfriend’s mutism — she will encounter these (and far worse) regularly, realistically, if they stay together. Is it going to have a negative impact on her MH, previously wobbly? And not just the mutism, or her advocating for him, but the commonly associated conditions of poor self-esteem, depression etc.? How do you decide you’re unhappy in a relationship with someone who doesn’t speak to anyone but you (almost)? How do you end things with someone very fragile, whose voice you are ? It potentially would feel like kicking Bambi to a sensitive 17 year old who is, you would hope, on the cusp of expanding her life in the near future, not closing it down.

That’s what would make me worry as a parent. The boyfriend is no doubt facing a challenging future, and best wishes to him, but my responsibility is primarily to my own child.

I know someone who had something similar with swallowing. When she got really anxious her throat would close up and she’d splutter and cough if she tried to speak or eat, sometimes even from swallowing saliva.

Why are people so horrible and quick to jump on people? It’s always the inadequate types who are, I suspect, secretly pleased to point to someone they think is more “lame duck” than them. In reality, people with anxiety disorders are often quite thoughtful, sharp and analytical.

That’s when you parent. That’s when you tell them and him outside that they are not the problem, they did not ruin the night, that it was the in-laws who ended that dinner and they are the problem. Then you go somewhere else for desert and have a good end to the evening. You protect them. Especially when you’ve invited him along, and he’s essentially out with strangers.

Quite honestly I’d have hated that as the DD.

Because ANY form of communication can be hard for someone with SM. It's not as simple as writing something down.
My daughter is desperate to be able to speak to people she doesnt know :( but she just can't do it. Even a nod or shake of the head is barely noticeable unless you know her.

Have you ever experienced Sleep Paralysis, where you are awake but there's something terrifying there and you can't move or cry or speak/scream?

That's what it feels like to someone with SM. The same complete inability to make a sound. Sometimes the same suffocating, overwhelming terror, too.

There is no excuse for deliberately putting somebody on the spot and picking on them like that.

I could talk for ten people, but DP can still get frozen if he's faced with somebody confronting him like that or being verbally aggressive or bullying/mocking - but he can speak to me (probably one of the reasons he liked me, the words came easily for a change - and I wouldn't badger him to speak all the time, as non verbal communication is great when youre not actually a bit of a dick).

Theu obviously don't believe in selective mutism. You can't chnage ignorance. Id just keep them apart

Also I don’t see how this has becone a criticism of op’s behaviour.

Just to reply – DD’s known him a few years from school, they weren’t close then but started hanging out more last year and now he’s really comfortable with her, so he talks to her like normal. It’s not that he can’t talk at all – it’s that he can’t in certain situations or with certain people. That’s literally what SM is.

I only met him when they started dating and I’ve tried to make an effort – I talk to him like normal but never put pressure on him to reply. He’s always polite, nods, smiles, that sort of thing. Recently he’s started typing the odd thing on his phone to me which is progress, but it depends how he’s feeling. He barely sees DH as he’s always working and even when he is in, they don’t interact much – might be part of why he’s more responsive with me.

I think he told DD beforehand that he’d just point to what he wanted on the menu, so it wasn’t a surprise or anything – he had thought about how to manage it. It’s not ideal but he’s 17 and doing his best, and frankly I think that should be enough for people who supposedly care about DD.

To be brutally honest- maybe they are wondering about your DD’s future with this boy.

I totally get it’s a mental health issue and they are happy now. If my own child was selectively mute I’d treat them with kindness and understanding, I’d try to access as much help as I could and I’d be accepting and expect all my family to be accepting of them too. If my child was WITH someone with the condition and didn’t have it themselves… I’d be worrying they were limiting themselves. Id worry about the future for them as a couple.

Do you think maybe your in-laws are just wondering how this will play out if they do stay together??

I actually had to fight back tears reading that last paragraph, thinking how he’d planned how to handle it and then how hideously they threw it back in his face.

The world can be such a nasty place.

I'm partially blind and god I'd love not to be, in fact I'd do pretty much anything not to be.

Selective mutism is not comparable. Its entirely treatable with therapy and medication, because it is an anxiety disorder

Of course they are.

But why - honestly, not just why but HOW - would you raise it like that in those circumstances?

What a shit evening 😢😢

They were bullies using ableism and shame to attack a young person, theiR grand daughter bf!!
In doing so they’ve fractured their relationship with their grand daughter. I wouldn’t be surprised if she refused to see them again or if she is going cold on them tbh.
And your dh siding with them isn’t much better. Appeasing his parents and joining in the ‘he isn’t normal’ dance. In doing so, he ALSO has damaged his relationship with his dd. Not somethimg you’d want to do when 1- you care for your child and 2- says child/teen has issues with MH/anxiety. Again, he shouldn’t be surprised if his dd doesn’t react to him the same way. Because Theres no way she’ll just forget been let down like this.

Have you had the opportunity to talk to your dd and her bf? Just to aplogise. Not for their behaviours!! Nothing you could do about it but for the crap evening they’ve had. And then reassure both of them that the bf is welcome into the house.

My dd has selective mutism (as well as a couple of other conditions).

When my sons girlfriend met her for the first time she took over a book she would like and dd just scurried away.

The next time she told her that she loved her jumper and dd went to her room.

What she didn't do was judge, or get offended, or make snide comments.

Over the course of the next year she continued at a level that dd was comfortable with, until dd started spending longer and longer in the room with her, and then one day dd opened up and asked her a question about something.

It took a few more months but now they talk away all the time.

She did that because she loves my son, and he loves his sister so it was important to her to learn and understand.

If she behaved like your inlaws she wouldn't have been welcome.

@GoblinMarkets it’s a fair point about being concerned about your child’s mental health and the effects of being with another person with challenges. But there’s ways and means of dealing with that, and I’m pretty sure your nearest and dearest being cruel to your partner (who hasn’t actually done anything wrong) in a public place, isn’t one of the best ways or means. They don’t have her best interests at heart by behaving like that.

And it’s one thing to cope with the stupidity of strangers. Quite another when it’s the people who are supposed to love you most in the world after your parents, and who most of us are taught to respect. No wonder the poor girl was crying.