To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

I would either send a message to your DD that she can forward to her boyfriend or if you think he would be comfortable you could say it to him. I would apologise for their appalling behaviour and tell them how welcome he is in your home and you understand how hard that was for him. He is only 17, it must have been awful for him, wanting to be there to celebrate DD's birthday and enduring that.

Ask your Dh how he would feel if it was your DD who had the selective mutism? Would he want her to be peppered with questions by people who know she cannot answer?

Deeply thick. If this could be dealt with just by "gathering motivation" the problem wouldn't exist. You might as well tell him to pull himself together.

Who mentioned anything about being a burden? You’ve brought that up yourself.

Also the business of someone who is disabled themselves

What else is than being a burden if you limit someone?

Have you spoken to his parents OP? I’d imagine he has told them and they are quite upset.

I can somewhat see from PIL and DH‘s view why they wouldn’t take the relationship seriously. For one they are young, plus the lack of ability to communicate and the perceived notion that it will limit DD as he won’t be able to easily mix with any new friends she makes, her family, uni flatmates, work colleagues, will he ever be able to work himself etc.

Their perceived notions don’t change the fact that their manners were bad at a dinner table, and that is the issue at hand. I’d focus on keeping communication open with DD - no matter the circumstances of the people in the relationship, the last thing you want is for her to dig her heels in and stay because she develops an ‘us against everyone’ mentality. The whole situation isn’t nice but DD should be your main concern and she is still only a child, relationship issues shouldn’t be encroaching into family dynamics and making her cry at this age.

So you think all disabled people are burdens? Another ableist comment. Sick

Because what, he’s doing it on purpose and this should give him the kick up the arse to just “fix” himself? You sound a delight.

Op why didn’t you say anything to them to stop them at the time?
I couldn’t have sat there and let them do that tbh. I wouldn’t accept it from my own family so I wouldn’t put up with it from In laws either.

This. Deeply thick. Put it better than I did.

If you're that lacking in empathy, I hope you aren't really a vet care assistant.

I didn't know what it was, so went to Google and entered "selective mutism"

Now I know the basics, im no expert by any means but i do know that stating to a packed birthday celebration table the words "not very talkative is he" or asking him numerous questions he doesnt answer would be a bullying twattish thing to do.

That's a simple Google search, that's not someone (my grown adult child) coming to me and saying Grandaughters BF suffers from this condotion, the impact is that he won't speak to you because he has dreadful anxiety - and surprisingly what shouldnt have been left unsaid - "Mum, dad, DONT BE A DICK AND SAY HES NOT VERY TALKATIVE IS HE?... " he isn't talkative, because he has selective mutism, don't ruin your granddaughters birthday....

The name doesn’t help. The word “selective” implies it’s a choice when that’s the last thing it is.

Why are you making excuses for them? Even if they are concerned, they behaved appallingly. Their behaviour will be detrimental to their granddaughter - it’s not like she’s going to say ‘oh yeah, sure, seems like they have a point, maybe they were just looking out for me’. 🙄🙄🙄

No, he can't. It's a condition which means, when it strikes, that he's literally incapable of speaking.

I’ve never suggested the PILs were in any way thinking of their granddaughter. As you’ll see I explicitly said they were completely out of order, insensitive and wrecked a special occasion. My reply wasn’t about them.

I’m suggesting to the OP that she should be less concerned about her PILs being rude to their GD’s boyfriend than with the potential implications of this relationship for her daughter who’s had two years of poor MH, and whether being his voice in public, and dealing with other people’s less than pleasant responses to her mute boyfriend, are likely to cause her stress, or mean she can’t leave the relationship easily because he’s dependent on her, when she’s only 17.

It’s possible that her DH is thinking along those lines.

She didn't. Read her posts.

Limit in the financial sense … limit in the sense of making friends as a couple, of activities they might do together, of travel. Of parenting and all the multiple interactions that brings.

if my OWN child had selective mutism I’d be nothing but supportive and loving. But on the other hand would I choose for my young adult child to be in a relationship with someone with this very limiting condition? No. Sorry, in my heart of hearts, I would not.

Do try reading OP's posts. She's explained that they were fully informed about his condition and had met him before.

@GoblinMarketsYou’ve articulated all this very well, much better than my clumsy attempt. Thank you.

Just a note that it's very unlikely that he's reliant on her in the way some people seem to be implying - he spends most of his time out in the world without her, has other friends and his own family. Of course he is working his way through how to be out in the world as an adult with some specific challenges and of course when they are together she tries to find ways to make things easier for him... as I would hope he tries hard to support her!

When I'm with my daughter I help her, when I'm not with her she figures it out. The older she gets the more things will swing in that direction so each year she does one more thing than she did before. Am sure this young man is doing a version of the same thing.

@Muuum92
What a heartbreaking story. If your dd is happy with him then live and let live.
His life is so hard, unimaginable.
Your extended family need lessons in empathy.
None of us know what tomorrow may bring…

What’s your point? I said it’s not a common condition, it’s not about 1 in 140 people have it. So yes, people would not really know about it/ what it is. Don’t know what you’re harping on about and is not relevant to the comment I made.

She did. OP has said:

'When MIL started with the comments I said quite firmly “He’s got a condition, he’s not being rude,” and when FIL kept trying to force convo I said “You know he doesn’t talk to people he’s not comfortable with, please stop making it harder for him.” But they just rolled their eyes and carried on, made it into a joke.'

Silence is a form of approval. A sh*tty one but your DH has essentially had his family do his dirty work for him. What a dick.