To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

That’s not even remotely what I said.

I hate people who spot a percieved weakness and publicly humiliate/ draw attention to it. What a vile trait.

this is the winning comment.

tell me you have zero clue about SM without telling me you have zero clue about SM 😂😂😂

But it is exactly what you said. All he need is a bit of public embarrassment, that will motivate him to sort out this awful condition he's been battling all his life. OP you should be thanking the in-laws for the amazing motivation!
Honestly, do you not think he's come across such "motivation" before?

No to those things, because I would say it’s more mental health-related things I worry about, particularly mental health issues that would push her into taking on a ’carer’ or person of responsibility for someone’s mental kind of wellbeing type role at such a young age.

Especially if her own MH hasn’t been great, I think being with someone else with MH problems can sometimes end up being really life-limiting, once you get the past that sort of honeymoon phase where you boost each other’s happiness.

Dealing with that kind of thing is part of a long-term relationship, anyone can develop MH problems at any time obviously, but no I wouldn’t want it for my 18yo daughter if I’m honest as a first proper relationship. However I would never say that to her or anyone other than DH/my closest friends. But I would think it. I’m sure that makes me horrible, but I doubt I’m the only one.

Well you just said that to me and now I think you're a horrible person. So definitely recommend not saying that to anyone else.

Wow. The ignorance.

Oh well.

Not nice how they treat him. Questions about how he will cope at uni/in life I think are fair but I don’t think these should be asked by your parents. Unusual to have it at 17.

Thanks Barney.

I'm also struggling to understand why the BF doesn't have any other communication tools? He knew he was going to a restaurant with these people. Someone compared it upthread with a deaf person but a deaf person would learn sign language, a blind person obviously can speak but reads braille etc. A non verbal autisitic person uses PECS or similar. Alternative ways to communicate are available, he could have used assistive technology or just a notepad. Does anyone know what is the norm communication tool for someone with SM? Perhaps they could share.

How old is your daughter, how did she cope in school?

Oh please educate yourself!!!

Just to say my gorgeous boy who has struggled with this, is my most favourite, gorgeous, sweet, clever, funny and yes silly person in the entire world and some people on here who don't give people a chance would be the ones missing out.

I assume that your PILs know about your DD's boyfriend selective mutism? If they did know, then your PILs sound like a couple of goady cunts and your DH isn't much better.

She's 12 and she's great at school. Had a wobble when starting high school this year so has a toilet pass and a few other accommodations (she's also autistic) but school is a safe place for her. She's also recently been able to speak to bus drivers a few times. And ordered at a restaurant. But she can still have moments where she tries and nothing happens. She didn't speak to her teacher for the first several months when starting P1.

I think I would have said, “Josh, Ellie, is this making you feel uncomfortable? Would you like to leave?” And waited to see if he made eye contact. And as we left I would have said, “It’s not appropriate to keep asking him questions like that.”

Am sure he goes out without his girlfriend sometimes! My daughter points. Or writes on her phone. But if I'm there I just order for her.

It seemed to me from the op that yes, they had been briefed as the MIL’s first comment was about can’t he even order a hamburger.

In the absence of being alerted that wouldn’t stick out; you’d just think he had not heard, had laryngitis or similar. You wouldn’t leap to ‘ can he not EVEN”. I’ve often ordered for my DH, Dc , Db etc in a large table set up. No one assumed they “couldn’t even” do it.

It is one of the most misunderstood and undiagnosed, under-resourced conditions you can think of.

Almost certainly lack of motivation is the problem here 🙄.

But it’s not a common condition is it. I doubt most people would know about it unless they have some connection to it.

Maybe instead of using a comparison of someone being deaf or in a wheelchair consider someone with a stutter being mocked every time they tried to speak.

From the NHS website:

'A child or adult with selective mutism does not refuse or choose not to speak at certain times, they're literally unable to speak.

The expectation to talk to certain people triggers a freeze response with feelings of anxiety and panic, and talking is impossible.'

It's a medical condition that can't be fixed with a bit of will power and some tough love.

That's very ignorant behaviour. Especially as lots of what people say is useless boring ramblings anyway.
It really shows how nice and approachable your dd must be for him to be so comfortable around her.
I have a autistic dd who only speaks to 5 people . Other then that we communicate for her or she will point or thumbs up situation.
I would hate to think of her in that situation. Although I have intentionally always kept her away from certain family members who I know will act the same as your in laws .