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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

230 replies

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 03:58

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/05/2025 04:33

Totally agree with you and no it’s not at all selfish. Reality is it will limit the pool a bit but better that than compromising!

curious79 · 21/05/2025 04:35

Why would they even suggest you compromise this as a 30 yr old. If you were 40 the pickings would be slimmer. Stick to your guns here

garlictwist · 21/05/2025 04:36

Not at all. I’m the same. I don’t want a man with kids quite frankly because it’s a hassle and I don’t want to be a mother or stepmother. I haven’t had any issues finding men without children and who don’t want them either.

Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 04:41

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/05/2025 04:33

Totally agree with you and no it’s not at all selfish. Reality is it will limit the pool a bit but better that than compromising!

I understand it will limit people, but defo not going to compromise.

OP posts:
Renabrook · 21/05/2025 04:46

There is nothing wrong with same as nothing wrong with men not wanting to date women with children either

Newbie8918 · 21/05/2025 04:47

men with kids was also a NO from me. I also found out much later, that it was a dealbreaker for my now husband too. We were both in our early 30s when we met.
it’s ok to not want the complications of a blended family.

Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 04:50

curious79 · 21/05/2025 04:35

Why would they even suggest you compromise this as a 30 yr old. If you were 40 the pickings would be slimmer. Stick to your guns here

I’m late 33 so not exactly 30 😂But I honestly think they think I’m old. A few of them married at 26/27 and call themselves child brides. I don’t even know how to respond to that. Some have have married in their early 30s to not great guys. There is this kind of superiority complex that I find with some friends that are married. Not all, some are really lovely, most have been been with their husband a long time. But with some I find they think I’m really fussy and don’t understand why I can’t just settle. Like why would I? Why do I need to rush?

OP posts:
WhatANightForADance · 21/05/2025 04:51

I wouldn’t have dated a man who had children. I know a lot of people who wouldn’t consider dating someone with children for various different reasons.

It sounds like you know what you want/don’t want. I don’t think you can be ‘too’ picky when dating, especially if you’re looking for a long term relationship. People compromising on things that are important to them is one reason why people end up in unhappy relationships. I tell my children to be very picky!

Ponderingwindow · 21/05/2025 04:51

If you are in your early 30s it is not going to limit your options that much.

Especially if you are considering children of your own, why would you want to match with someone who chose to have children young anyway? your best match will be someone who is at a similar life stage.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 21/05/2025 04:51

Not at all. IMO the selfish ones are the women who are so desperate for a partner they’ll date men with kids despite it being less than ideal and then expect those kids to be relegated to lower priority when they have their own children,

Good for you for holding your boundary. I used to be told the same but I’m now happily married to a previously childless man and we have our own baby.

Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 04:53

garlictwist · 21/05/2025 04:36

Not at all. I’m the same. I don’t want a man with kids quite frankly because it’s a hassle and I don’t want to be a mother or stepmother. I haven’t had any issues finding men without children and who don’t want them either.

how old are you btw? This is good to hear

OP posts:
Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 04:55

Renabrook · 21/05/2025 04:46

There is nothing wrong with same as nothing wrong with men not wanting to date women with children either

Exactly. But on this website I suspect a lot of mothers might disagree 😂

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 21/05/2025 05:02

At your age I would have absolutely no interest in dating someone who had a child. He'd lead a completely different life and would quite rightly have different priorities. You have a great life - keep going and you'll meet someone just like you.

Dunnop · 21/05/2025 05:03

No. Just like I won’t date a bloke who wears socks and sandals. Or has Turkey teeth.

MaggieBsBoat · 21/05/2025 05:04

Why wouldn’t you avoid becoming a defacto step mum??? Good grief. I think they are just jealous of your freedom.

Zanatdy · 21/05/2025 05:05

No not selfish. It’s fine if your preference isn’t men with kids. I dated a single dad, who had little help from family, so we couldn’t see each other much. This was after I spent year raising my own kids. So it ended (but rumbles on as I see him at work and the attraction is still there, but can’t wait decade for his kids to grow up). If he did 50-50 though, i’d be fine with that. Though I don’t particularly want step kids, but if I liked someone enough it wouldn’t be a line in the sand.

nobodywantsit · 21/05/2025 05:09

Very sensible decision and I’d be the same if I was single.

Absolutely no way would I want to be a step parent.

Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:09

Dunnop · 21/05/2025 05:03

No. Just like I won’t date a bloke who wears socks and sandals. Or has Turkey teeth.

Eurgh Turkey teeth is the worst. Worse than having kids!

OP posts:
SocialEvent · 21/05/2025 05:11

You’re allowed to have strong or mild preferences in dating and to stick to them. Your emotions, your body. That’s a key part of consent around sex and relationships. Your friends’ preferences or decisions are absolutely irrelevant to you. Don’t compromise on having your own healthy normal boundaries. Where you set your boundaries is up to you.
Why did you think mums on Mumsnet would tell you any different?

Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2025 05:13

Not selfish at all. I would not want to either after reading the step parent board on here.

TheRoseDeer · 21/05/2025 05:17

This post and that other one not very long ago (the mum who decided to cancel meeting the guy for a date who had not worked for years), both have the same theme. It’s ok to have your own personal dealbreaker list and go for it for whoever is left. No one has to date anyone they don’t want to.

If I was ever to date again now in my older age I would be extremely picky and probably end up with no matches. And vice versa, I bet I wouldn’t rate much on the radar for a guy to be honest lol.

ZebraPrintt · 21/05/2025 05:18

I think it's a pretty normal thing to be picky about. Dating a guy with kids can be messy if the relationship with ex isn't great also

Koalafan · 21/05/2025 05:21

Of course YANBU.
I have my own nearly grown up child, am older and am married (since late 20s), but if I had been dating in my 30s I would not have wanted to date a man with children or consider the idea that it might lead to me being a step-mum. There's nothing wrong with knowing what's a deal breaker.

LBFseBrom · 21/05/2025 05:27

You are not selfish at ll and there are plenty of men your age who do not have children. If you were in your forties it would be different but right now, stick to your guns. No matter how much you like children and may be enamoured of a man, you only have to read most of the step-parent posts on here to realise what a big thing it is getting involved with a parent of dependent kids; it is often a nightmare.

Make it clear you only want a relationship with someone who does not have children and you will find someone.

Original poster
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:28

TheRoseDeer · 21/05/2025 05:17

This post and that other one not very long ago (the mum who decided to cancel meeting the guy for a date who had not worked for years), both have the same theme. It’s ok to have your own personal dealbreaker list and go for it for whoever is left. No one has to date anyone they don’t want to.

If I was ever to date again now in my older age I would be extremely picky and probably end up with no matches. And vice versa, I bet I wouldn’t rate much on the radar for a guy to be honest lol.

Wasn’t that person did disabled? I didn’t read all the thread

OP posts: