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Original poster

Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

230 replies

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 03:58

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

OP posts:
JIMER202 · 21/05/2025 08:06

I’d never want to be a stepmother! Not an actively involved one (I think dating someone when their adult children are older and moved out is likely different). I have my own children and still this is my view. I’d rather be single than date someone else with children. I don’t like other people’s children as much as my own, wouldn’t want to deal with the children’s mother and that ongoing communication and wouldn’t want my time/money/holidays etc always with someone else’s children. I think people who know what they want like you do OP are actually fantastic! Don’t be like these stepmums
who post in resentment of their partners or partners kids when it’s a situation they chose.

Sunontheair · 21/05/2025 08:07

Seventree · 21/05/2025 07:25

I wouldn't have dated a man with children.

I wouldn't respect or like a man who didn't put his children first. But equally, I want to my partners first priority until that position is taken by our shared children. It's a catch 22 that means being a stepmum wouldn't have worked for me.

Dating isn't like advertising for a job role. You don't have to be fair to all 'applicants', you're allowed to find a relationship that works for you.

I agree with this completely. For me I want me and my family unit to be my partners priority. I don’t want to be working and 100% of my efforts are going into improving our lot, but only 60% of his is because the rest of his time , energy and finances are directed elsewhere.

I think it’s absolutely fine to want to date someone without kids, and there are lots of men out there who are the same.

Where the OP might be really narrowing her pool is if she already has kids, expecting a man without kids who is happy to date a single mother. There will be some there, but not many…. But a small pool of the right people is better than a bigger pool of the wrong ones.

AnonWho23 · 21/05/2025 08:08

I've been a step mum and I absolutely wouldn't do it again. Fuck that. I now have 2 kids of my own and if I separated from H I wouldn't want to be a step mum or have a blended family. I'd date men with kids but on the understanding that I'm never going to live with them or mind their kids. I'm not a nanny with a fanny. I've already had a life looking after people. It's not a role that I'd want.

slamdunk66 · 21/05/2025 08:16

Men with young kids are a big no no. If I was much older with my own grown dc then I would consider a man with also adult dc.

Trueview · 21/05/2025 08:16

Good grief. You are free to do whatever you want OP, you don't need to come on here for validation.

Date who you want, make any rules you like - it's your life.

I didn't set out to actively date a man with children but that's who I ended up falling in love with. And it's worked out amazingly. Zero regrets, no hassle, I would have missed out on the love of my life if I'd bound myself to rules.

So you just never know. If you want drama from marrying a man with kids, then create some - it's not obligatory though.

Flamingoknees · 21/05/2025 08:17

It is the opposite of selfishness. It would be cruel ro inflicr yourself on children, knowing you don't want to be a step parent or blended family.

MidnightPatrol · 21/05/2025 08:19

Absolutely 0% chance I’d date someone with kids, and I have my own.

I just cannot see the appeal at all - far too many complications and compromises.

And more often than not one or more parties involved is deeply unhappy with the arrangement.

TBH I’d rather be single.

GreenSocksToday · 21/05/2025 08:20

Don’t do it, apart from the obvious sharing and excluding of you in your lives together, you always have a other person dictating what you can and can’t do, and taking a significant proportion of your joint income, his admittedly, but it makes a huge difference.

Katemax82 · 21/05/2025 08:21

I wish I'd not dated a man with kids...

WhereIsMyJumper · 21/05/2025 08:21

Not selfish at all. In fact, it’s very wise. Far better than becoming a step mom and then hating it. That’s not fair on the kids, either.

FWIW, I am older than you, already have DC and am single and I wouldn’t want to get in to a relationship with someone who has kids. I only want to parent my own, not someone else’s.

Tomatotater · 21/05/2025 08:22

When your friends tell you you're too fussy, say what you have here- that you have a great life, and you want to make it better by being in a relationship- not worse! Its selfish to date a man with kids and then feel resentful when he has to spend time with his kids, or the kids are with you. Better to say a blanket 'no'. Maybe go younger?

Swiftie1878 · 21/05/2025 08:25

On the contrary, if you aren’t prepared to take on the whole package of ‘man + his kids’, it would be selfish of you to date someone with kids. You are doing exactly the right thing by sticking with your own boundaries! x

CandidLurker · 21/05/2025 08:26

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 03:58

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

I was once in your position and naively had relationships with a few men with children in my early 30’s. It led to nothing but hurt for me in lots of ways. Don’t compromise your own needs would be my advice. I regret not taking your decision and sticking with it. The men separated/divorced with children all had Financial issues, bitterness about ex wives etc, commitments around children etc etc.

Waterbaby41 · 21/05/2025 08:29

If you have no children, then no you ANBU. If - as I think - you do have children, you are being a massive hypocrite.

Tomatotater · 21/05/2025 08:32

Waterbaby41 · 21/05/2025 08:29

If you have no children, then no you ANBU. If - as I think - you do have children, you are being a massive hypocrite.

Why? Men have a right not to date her if she has kids too. It is perfectly reasonable not to want to inflict other kids onto your kids against their will. If I was in that position, I wouldn't give a damn about other people. If OP is a massive hypocrite, so what? Her kids matter more than some guy and their children.

Mummyto181 · 21/05/2025 08:32

I've got DC and I don't date men with children especially when the children are under 10. I don't want to be a "step mum" or part of a blended family nor do I want children with another man.

Your young enough, maybe date a few years younger if you can, but I honestly don't think you'll have many issues

OrangeAndPistachio · 21/05/2025 08:32

@Waterbaby41 why? Do you think that inflicting someone else's kids on your own and having a full house eow with sleeping bags in the living room is a good thing? I saw exh put my kids through that and they were miserable. There was no way I would do that to them at my house too , so I actively decided to only date childless men.

FigTreeInEurope · 21/05/2025 08:32

I wouldn't date a woman with kids. In the start of a relationship you should be each other's main focus, and have time to built a strong connection to hold you through hard times later on.

People with kids should be putting their kids first, and personally, I wouldn't want to share the attention. I don't think less of people with kids, quite the opposite infact, i admire them hugely, but it's a time, availability and attention thing for me.

superplumb · 21/05/2025 08:34

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 03:58

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

You're not being fussy. Stick with whqt you want amd do not settle. I'm in a diffenret position qnd would probably prefer to date men with children but that's because I have them and need someone who gets how hard it is to drop everything.

Pickingmyselfup · 21/05/2025 08:34

Depends on the definition of selfish. Putting your own preferences first then yes, is that unreasonable in this situation-of course not. It would be selfish and unreasonable to date a man and get stroppy about his kids being around but that's not this situation.

If I weren't married and looking to date again I would definitely have my own preferences. No children much younger than mine, I'm starting to slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel, don't want to have to go backwards. No more than one child mum, it would be hard enough juggling one ex and my own without adding more into the mix.

Better to be upfront from the start so you don't waste anybody's time.

catin8oot5 · 21/05/2025 08:36

I’m 10 years older than you and divorced with kids of my own. But now I’m back dating I won’t date anyone with kids under 18. I’m slightly hypocritical as mine are 15 and 25 but I don’t care 😁

ArtTheClown · 21/05/2025 08:38

I wouldn't have gone near a man with children, and I was 33 when DH and I got together.
I wanted someone who could put me first.

PopThatBench · 21/05/2025 08:46

I’ve just turned 33, I have a 7 year-old and I’m pregnant and I also wouldn’t want to date a man with children 😂
My experience is limited but the men in my life who are Dads and single are to be steered clear of. Every time they’ve got into a relationship they’ve quickly made their new partner in charge of their kid.
However, I’m a massive hypocrite because my DP thankfully didn’t have my views and wanted to be in a relationship with me despite me having a child 😂

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 21/05/2025 08:48

No, in fact it's very sensible. You will avoid a world of grief.

KimberleyClark · 21/05/2025 08:50

No of course you’re not being selfish. I wouldn’t want to date a man with kids either. Just too much hassle.