Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

This! In the last line of her first post she also said she didn't want to raise 'another' child

I wouldn't have dated a man with children.

I wouldn't respect or like a man who didn't put his children first. But equally, I want to my partners first priority until that position is taken by our shared children. It's a catch 22 that means being a stepmum wouldn't have worked for me.

Dating isn't like advertising for a job role. You don't have to be fair to all 'applicants', you're allowed to find a relationship that works for you.

I commend you on your self awareness and knowledge that it’s not what you want for your life. Don’t defer from that if it’s what you feel.

Do you have kids? You say you don’t want to raise ‘another child’

I've never understood the argument that it is selfish for a woman not to want to date someone. It's dating, not a charitable endeavour or paying tax. It is something we should only do if we want to, with the people we want to do it with. Sticking to the hetro model, you can refuse to date short men, any particular ethnicity, bald men, unemployed men, trust fund recipients, and no one should be any the wiser because you only introduce people you are dating, not the people you've filtered out.
I saw something online recently aimed at mothers of children who only want to date men without children, calling them selfish. Makes total sense to me, the biggest risk factor you can create is to bring an unrelated male into the home setup. But I realised I was considering things from the pov of the woman (and her children) which is all wrong. I should have been prioritising the poor father with no one to date because women are Borg and all make exactly the same decisions.
If you don't date him, OP, who will? Did you not realise you are denying him a girlfriend?

You can refuse to date any person for any reason under the sun.

I'm childfree and (in my single days) avoided men with children. For any decent man, his children (rightly) would always come first with him, and I don't want anyone taking priority over me in a long term relationship or marriage.

Not to mention that he's trampling on your boundaries from the get go. Tell him your sacking him off for that.as much as for having kids.

It’s a perfectly valid choice
but your 33
so your slightly time limited if you want kids in away

you don’t know if you can have kids easily or if you need IVF or it just takes you forever
if you don’t want them then crack on

if you meet Mr Perfect this year would you be rushing to have kids quickly if so you may not notice his red flags as you want a baby maybe more than 1

But a lot of men will see women your age and think she wants kids and avoid you in the same way or much more likely string you along saying all the right stuff and wasting your fertility

so you need to be able to spot these sort of guys quickly if you do want to have kids

I know when I met my husband he had 2 kids and I had one and he said he would never date a women who didnt have kids as she was probably likely to want kids and he was 100 percent certain he didn’t want any more kids but he didn’t mind dating women with kids and he was very upfront about not wanting more kids within a week or so of us meeting

i didn’t want any more kids so for us it worked as I didn’t want to be with someone who wanted more children

I don’t think you’re being too fussy at all. I am in a second relationship and if I had met my OH when his children were younger and still at home I would have run for the hills………..they are awful people and nothing like their father.

Isn't it better for the children to have random partners in their lives because of parent guilt they are a single parent? the step parent wont be a replacement parent no matter how much the single parent wants it

Completely agree with you. Children are a huge commitment and there can be so much extra baggage depending on how the relationship with their other parent ended. Nothing wrong with setting boundaries for what you want.

You can date or not date as you choose. Selfishness doesn’t come into it.it would only be selfish to be with a dad and expect to take priority over his young children.

I’m 39 and the exact same, however I have a wee boy. I (and also double standards!) but I don’t want to date anyone with kids either. Complete aware it limits my dating pool, and I’m ok with that. I don’t want to be a step mum, and all the drama it brings. Me and DS have a great life

Not an issue OP.

Most men who don't have kids of their own wouldn't look twice at a woman who already had kids.

If you are a parent, the reality is that your dating life is limited to other parents.

"Blended families" is a made up term designed to obscure the mostly horrific reality of forcing unrelated children to live with strangers. It's parents putting their own wants above their children's needs.

Why is it selfish?

You definitely want to avoid my BIL!

On paper, high earner, fit, well travelled, huge house.
Split with his girlfriend (never married her), two kids 10 & 8 at the time, with issues that only got worse with the split.

When dating, he'd bring potential girlfriends to visit various bits of the family, leaning into the 'look how normal & stable everyone is'.

His own kids are an absolute mess, his ex was shafted by his emotional immaturity and he's a terrible father with no emotional depth. Masks it well during the fun dating bit.

The new wife, has had to work very hard on boundaries, was at one point the 'nanny with the fanny'. No-one wants the kids, everyone just wants the monied dating bit. All very sad.

So I respect your stance, you have a strong hand and no need to pick up someone who has already proved they can't handle a long term relationship and full-time children.

Nope, nope and nope - you're not being unreasonable or selfish (ridiculous stance as of course you need to put your own need first when making a life long decision!)

Reading the vast majority of posters on here who have stepchildren or blended families i wish MORE women & men thought like you. There'd be a less unhappy poor children for a start

stick to your guns & youll find the right man!

There's literally no way I would have gotten into a relationship with a man who had kids when I was in my 30s. Zero interest in that. I met my dh when I was just shy of 30. Got married at 33 & had dc at 35.

I'd had several serious relationships & quite a few casual flings up to that point & none of them had kids!

YABU. Of course you are being selfish and of course you should date men with children and be open to the idea of becoming a step mother.

It’s selfish in a positive way. You’re choosing who you want to date! You don’t need to justify your own standards and criteria!

I wouldn't either, OP. I also don't understand men who date women with DC. Why take on extra baggage?

Not selfish at all, better making a choice than resenting the DC’s.

In my younger days I would have made the same choice. My DP and I both have our own adult children, six between us. We know we would never have got together with six children to consider our priority.

Saying that, we met when they were all early 20’s and it hasn't saved us from the stresses and heartache. We have different parenting styles and different expectations. Our DC’s are used to the style of their own parent. Not wrong, just different, but brings about lots of tensions and blame.
Communicating with your own adult DC’s is much more straightforward than with someone else's.

If I could go back in time….

It’s completely fine to not date a man with children. I would say look for someone younger or your own age, definitely not older.
I think deep down many childfree people would not chose to date someone with children.

YANBU. Never, ever listen to coupled-up friends criticising you for being 'too picky' unless you're saying something like 'he's perfect but I didn't like his socks' on a regular basis. Unless you're chewing their ear off on a regular basis about hating being single while turning down potential partners for ridiculous reasons (like their socks), their only motive in calling you too picky is either making themselves feel better for 'settling', or because they're - for whatever reason - uncomfortable around single women. I know everyone says this, but it is so much better to be single than unhappy in a relationship because you entered into it out of fear - fear of being single, fear of running out of time. If you really want kids (more than you want to have them in a relationship), you can look into options for that. But please, don't grit your teeth and go along with something because jealous and/or short-sighted friends think you're 'lesser' for being single.

As for the post that said some men might not have kids because no-one wanted to have them with them...well yes, but Fred West had about 10 kids, so not exactly a good yardstick.

DBro was chatting online to a woman and as soon as she said she had two DC he said " not interested, sorry". Made it clear from the beginning.

He's been single a long time.

Children don't want a stepmother who is not interested in them, or for their father to have less time for them because he's busy with a woman who wants nothing to do with them. So by excluding men with children from your dating pool, you are actually doing what's best for everyone.

The "selfish" argument is bizarre and sexist. How dare you do what you want, you should be bringing up children. Any children! Yours, someone else's, who cares, just get changing nappies already.