Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

Of course you're not being selfish. You know what you want (and do not want) so good on you!

I was in a similar position and I waited till I found the right one. One thing I would advise (I wish someone told me this) is - if you do want kids to consider freezing your eggs. I'm TTC with husband as we only met each other at 37/38.

Your perfectly within your rights not to date a man with kids. If I was in your position my stance would be the same as yours

There are so many threads on here about blended family horror.

It would be a deal breaker for me. It’s called having standards. Too fussy, is not wanting to date a man who drives a green car, not wanting to date a man with kids and a mental ex-wife is a very sensible decision.

You’re perfectly entitled to have preferences. You’re still young. There are plenty of men around your age who don’t have children.

honestly have no interest in raising another child
Do you mean another woman’s child? Or another child or your own? If men don’t have kids, they may want to have them. So, if you don’t, they may not be interested in you as a long-term partner. If you don’t want to raise a child, then ruling out men who already have them will limit your choices. On the other hand, if you’d like a child of your own, a man who already has kids may not want any more.

IMHO, you should keep an open mind. No one’s perfect. Some men with kids make great partners: depends on nuance. Some men in their mid-30s have teenage kids, who live full-time with their mum, are less demanding of their time or money and will soon be independent adults. Some are widowed, but are certainly not looking for a stepmother. Others have a great relationship with their kids’ mother, so there’s flexibility with childcare and no hostile ex in the background. It can also be a sign they’re mature and have a great deal of respect for women, even if a relationship hasn’t worked out. Many lone fathers, like lone mothers, are perfectly able to juggle a partner and being a parent. They value their time with their kids (without the person they’re dating being there) and aren’t looking for someone to move in with them (for the time being) or help raise their kids. They can do that themselves.

But in other cases (young kids, left their ex and kids after cheating, hostile ex, lots of maintenance to pay, expecting you to help them survive financially and/or parent their kids), there may be red flags or a compromise too far for you. And that’s fine. I’d be very wary of a man who badmouths his kids’ mother.

Why should you compromise? It's very reasonable to have your line in the sand. Just because a man having children wouldn't be a problem for others doesn't mean it shouldn't be for you. You do you.

I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that

but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

So you have children?

I think that your right in deciding that you don't want to get involved with a man who already has kid's. It not just him that your going to be involved with but also his kid's. Then dealing with a blended family and step kids can be hard going also.

I worked with a lady x in her early 30's and she had a child aged 6/7 with her partner. He already had 3 older kid's in secondary school. Her partner ex meanwhile has 3 other younger children and is not working.
She would ring X asking her to collect the older kids from school, sports ect and of course on a Saturday can you bring one or more of her kids to sports, a pals house ect. She has started to say no to these requests.
X had to tell her partner that on a Saturday morning her child had say swimming or that afternoon a pals party. She decided that her child was not going to miss things or be last on the list always.

I saw what she was dealing with and being honest I would tell anyone not to get involved with a man who already has children. It was just expected that she would agree to what suited him, his ex and his 1st family and she did this for a while. She realised that she could say no. She also started some PT courses in order to get a better job with more money. She now has a better job.

Its fine to have preferences but if you have kids yourself just be aware that a lot of child free men will also not want someone with kids, so if you're happy for that aswell then fair enough

YANBU. Too many men seem programmed to look for the nearest female to unload their parenting responsibilities onto.

I would only ever consider it if the ex wife was dead.
I don’t want another woman involved in my relationship nor do I want to organise my weekends and holidays around ‘whose turn it is’ or have my part er empty his wallet into his ex’s bank account.

Well done OP.
However hard you imagine being with someone with children, multiple it by 10 and you are still not there.

For every lucky woman who writes that they are happy, there are dozens who would not do it again.

They invariably end up as unpaid, unappreciated skivvy aupairs, working full-time!

Funny how many of these BMD ( bare minimum dads) end up with solvent, house owning single women with good jobs.

They know EXACTLY what they want in a new partner. A woman to house and pay for half of their children.

Often they will have a child with the new woman to lock her down.

Then suddenly the woman has a baby but she spends her life doing everything and paying for all his children.

Half the time the men have absolutely no interest in the new baby, it was purely a means to an end.

The less foolish ones get out with their child, but many remain, full of regret.

Stick to your guns.
I have two daughters and the above is what I would tell them.

Avoid. Better to be single anyday than to end up as a skivvy aupair to some lazy selfish loser.

The step parenting forum is full of such stories.

As someone with kids I would not rule out someone with kids. In your position I would, because as you say it would ruin the dynamic. It is not being picky, it is being justifiably selective. I have a couple of 40 year old male friends who will not date women with children. The also do not want children. I think you do need to consider that most men over 35 who want kids have already had kids. But certainly not all.

I’m a single mum and I don’t blame you. To be honest, I’m late twenties and normally set my dating preference to 30+. The majority of men I come across don’t have children. Personally I want to find a fellow single parent which proves hard as most are childless!

When I was childless, I wouldn’t have considered a single father either.

You shouldn’t have to settle. I have been married for a very long time. One of our oldest friends is single. He said he is happy in his own company and would rather be by himself than make any compromises or be with someone he isn’t 100% about. He dates sometimes and is still looking out for someone but lives a happy full life with no regrets.

Good on you for knowing what you want and being authentic to yourself - therein lies the path to happiness.

Not selfish in the slightest.

I did it once and realised it’s not for me. Men with young children are a hard no (adult children I would potentially be ok with…maybe) especially because a lot of men expect the step-mom to help them parent.

However I realised this means my pool of potential men, given my age (mid 40s) , is a puddle.

As long as you accept your preferences will make dating harder that’s your business.

I found myself newly single and dating in my early 30s, met and married my DH and had our first DC at 37

When you say “another” child does this mean you are a parent? I do find it odd when parents won’t date parents but as I said, I strongly believe everybody can have whatever dating dealbreakers they like and everybody else can mind their business.

As somebody said to me “there is nothing wrong with choosing to remain single rather than taking up one of the options available to you”.

Not selfish at all.

I have kids and wouldn’t want to be serious with someone that had them. I have no interest in blending families and playing stepmum.

My point is, you are not unreasonable.

How on earth is that selfish? You’re not harming or upsetting anybody by having no interest in single dads and their kids and everything that will entail.

It’s not selfish to not want to be a stepmum. Your friends seem to think you're being mean to all these parents and their kids who you’re not giving your time to. Weird.

So why do you think it is okay to 'inflict' your kids on a man?

One brief glance at the step parenting board should reassure you that you’re doing exactly the right thing.

Personally, I don't think people with children should date until after the children have left home.

That happened to me all the time on OLD. I mean constantly.

Some would actively write on their profile that they have no children but turns out they do!

It’s only a green flag if you are happy to play a step-mother role. Not everybody is.