Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

I would also be wary about men looking specifically for women with small children for obvious reasons.

Exactly. Mothers have already had their go of baggage-free dating, then once the relationship has failed with the father of their kids they have a second go picking off all the remaining childfree men...when the very reason there are so few CF men in the first place is because of them. It's the height of hypocrisy.

Men get "picked off" like helpless fish by mothers with butterfly nets? They don't just decide for themselves whether or not they want to date someone?

@ThatCyanCat if some of the women in this thread have their way...

Well yes, but they can't have their way unless these men choose to date them. And that's up to the men. They're people who make their own decisions about who to date, not helpless prey getting "picked off" by predatory mothers. What misogynistic tosh.

@ThatCyanCat men will fuck anything.

Doesn't matter. They still aren't passive prey.

Not at all. I have never wanted children, and I don't want to be step mum to someone else's.

I didn't say there were? But actively only seeking out CF men as a parent is hypocritical.

If I were a single childfree man and I saw your dating profile with a specification that you didn't want a partner with children but had your own child, then I would laugh. It makes you sound like a hypocrite. I would expect you to be the type of person that held your partner to a different standard to yourself. That said, you'll find men that are ok with it, but obviously you'll have less to choose from and they may be of a lower calibre due to this fact.

If you think women "pick off" men by dating them, you certainly think of them as passive prey!

And it doesn't matter if it's "hypocritical". People can set whatever boundaries they want on their dating pools. Any men who don't like the fact that OP has a child can choose not to date her. She doesn't have a moral obligation not to date them just to leave more in the pool for you, ffs. They're adults like you and her and they make their own choices about who they want to date. Given you think men are passively "picked off" when they date and will fuck anything, I can't understand why you want one anyway. You don't seem to think much of them.

@ThatCyanCat I'm talking about a specific subset of women not most women. No it doesn't matter that it's hypocritical but I'm just explaining the reasons why it is.

Sure men can date whoever they want but I'd be very wary of any childless man who would opt for a single mother. Even the parents on here don't want to date another parent(!) which I think says it all. And that's with the pros of having a partner who understands raising kids. If it's not even appealing to parents why on earth would it be to the childless?!

You should absolutely be selfish when you're dating. You do not owe mankind the honour of being a stepmother to their children ffs.

I now have a baby of my own and honestly, a child changes your life and changes the dynamic of any relationship.

If a man is a good father, his no.1 priority will be his existing children, which means you will always be no.2. And your shared children won't be his first. And you will have to navigate being a step mum while learning to be a mum yourself. Fuck that.

If a man is a shit father, well, you shouldn't want to date him anyway!!!

So first you're annoyed when mothers date men without kids because you think they're "picking off" the best blokes, and now you're wary of men without kids who date mothers. Make up your mind!

I replied that I could see Lucy is really happy and it's very exciting etc but that I'm not jealous no, if for me it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't.
to which he replied "so you're just going to be a spinster???"
I would have said him ' have you asked if your single mates are jealous of you, you know, having a baby and all that or are they going to end up single for ever?'

But you'd still expect a man without kids to date you?

Would you dare a man who has teen aged kids who have their own Mother?

Why is it ok for you but not a man?

I don't get the impression that she "expects" anything. She's chosen to limit her dating pool to men without children. Those men can then choose whether or not they want to date her. Some won't want to date a mother, some won't mind. It's entirely up to the people involved. If a person finds that they're not having any luck, they can choose to widen their pool or they can decide they prefer to be single than compromise on something.

It's a non issue.

It can be both at the same time. Hypocrites annoy me is all, and OP did ask...

So you think men without kids who date mothers are helpless passive victims being "picked off", while being "wary" of the men at the same time, AND you don't like hypocrisy.

My irony meter just exploded.

@ThatCyanCat Call it women seeking out childless men then if you don't like "picking off" and ofc the men have a say in it! OP can think she'll have no trouble finding a childless man as someone who has "been there done that and doesn't want anyone else's baggage" but she might find the men are not so keen. It's still hypocritical to only seek them out.

It's not what I call it, it's what you called it, and when you realised how misogynistic it was (and pretty misandristic too) you did absolutely everything other than reconsider your view. Contradicting yourself, backpedalling, pretzelling, insulting both women and men.

OP can screen whoever she wants from her dating pool, as can anyone. What you think of it is entirely irrelevant. If it's hypocritical, it doesn't matter because no man who's bothered by it will date OP. It's wonderfully self regulating in that regard.

If it makes you angry, just remember that you also think men without kids who date mothers are something to be wary of, and that you think men will fuck anything. Nobody who thinks these things will mind being single.

Selfish is an odd choice of word. Dating is inherently selfish, ie you’re doing something that benefits you. There’s nothing wrong with that. But selfish implies a negative consequence for someone else and you aren’t hurting anyone by having parameters about who you’d date.
I wouldn’t date a man with children either. And I have 5 kids. I grew up with half siblings and step siblings and tbh it was a ballache a lot of the time. I don’t have the patience for blending families. So if I were to date I’d need a guy who didn’t want his own kids but was ok with mine. And they do exist. Just less often.
but I have zero desire to date anyone anyway.

Why are there women out there who are angry at mums who date men without children? “Picking off the best blokes” 🤦🏼‍♀️ Really?

I'm not sure how it can be misogynistic when I'm not talking about ALL women just a select few who are against dating dads but whatever. If anything OP is being offensive towards fathers. Also don't know wtf "pretzelling" means. Yes OP can screen whoever she wants, no one else really cares unless expressly ASKED what they think about it-which she did! It doesn't make me angry, lol. But it IS hypocritical. If people don't want opinions on it why ask? Her friends have already told her she's being picky, but if OP is happy to stay single rather than settle for someone as unappealing as a dad-good for her.

It's not anger more bemusement that someone would be so hypocritical...