Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

I'm 40 and still won't date a man with children!

It is not selfish at all.
If I were your age and single , I would prefer to be with someone who didn’t have children

I decided not to date when I became a single parent as I didn’t want the hassle of dealing with a step parent or blended family when mine were growing up. Now they are pretty much grown I wouldn’t choose to date someone with children much younger than mine. I would consider someone with older teens or grown up children. My friends think I’ve been too fussy but I am happy enough alone so not desperate to compromise, I’ve spent a long time raising four children single handedly and have just got my freedom back to do what I want, when I want.

I had 2 children from my first marriage. I started dating again at around your age ( in the mid 90s) I dated someone with children. His life was very chaotic. I realised it wasn't for me. I decided to only date men without children. A lot of men , at the dating agency I had joined, didn't want to date a woman with children. Fair enough. I met a man without children, who didn't have a problem that I had 2. We've been together for 24 years and married for 22. I didnt date short men, men with beards, men without professional careers. It made the pool smaller. I had children so the clock wasn't ticking so I decided that , if I didn't find what I wanted, I would just be single. You are not being unreasonable to decide what you want.

Your friends' opinions on it are not particularly relevant. You sound happy with your decision/ what you want and what you are doing.

Why are you letting it get to you what they think?

(Oh and any privileged Westener flippantly calling themselves a 'child bride' is not someone whose opinion I would give a second thought. That term has very serious connotations and they are clearly lacking awareness.)

Tumbleweed101

I felt exactly the same.

Nope. Stick to your guns or else you’re in for a lifetime of hassle

You are right to avoid them.

Dating anyone with children means loyalties will always be split. I have a DS so I gave up dating. I'll think about it next year when he leaves for uni.

’I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking’… and modest too 🤣.

No, I don’t blame you at all. I have 2 kids, and the thought of dating someone else with kids and looking after them would fill me with dread.

Of course you aren't! It would have been a deal breaker for both me and DH. Wanting to have your own nuclear family without the fuss and drama of blending families is not a crime lol. Plus I'm honest, I couldn't love another child like my own - so I act accordingly. No child deserves to be resented for something they have no control over! Plus my step mum was a piece of work

Not at all. Normally there is an ex on the scene and resentments. I also only like my own kids.

The opposite of selfish. Selfish would be dating men with kids when you do not want to have to consider their needs etc. Stick to your guns.

Christ no, you sound very sensible. Be picky, put yourself first! Are you looking at your own age range? Early 30s there can't be that many men with kids anyway, if you were in your 40s that might be a different story.

God no! Have you seen all the threads on here about blended families? It generally goes tits up in some way or other. Can be fine of course but why actively seek it out?

I wouldn’t want to either . It’s not just the additional pressure of the kids it’s always having contact with a possibly aggrieved ex .

Absolutely be picky!

Not selfish at all!! And definitely not an impossible find! I have one older child, and as such, I'd most probably not be interested in someone with much younger kids. I've dated a couple without children, one worked fine, but the other didn't like that my child was my priority, which is absolutely fair enough, but I did suggest he would be better off with someone who also had no kids. And if we're talking online dating, a Lot of me have "never married, no kids" as one of the first things on their bio

This seems sensible to me if you know you are not cut out to help raise another persons children.
For good parents, it's a forever deal. That means they are their children's home, their safe haven forever. It's not a question of their parenting coming to an end at some point. So if you don't fancy the risk of having a 20 something boomerang back home or potentially end up doing childcare for grandkids (or have your freedom curtailed because your partner is minding the kids) then it's massively sensible to avoid men who could put you in that situation.
Even men with 50/50 and lots of support are one illness or accident away from being full time carers of their own children. Step parenting is hard and relentless and largely thankless . And it's not good for kids to have a stepparent who doesn't want them there. Selfish would be knowing all this and doing it anyway because you like the man!

Vanessa Feltz said on a chat show many years ago something along the lines that you don't fall in love at first sight - we fall in love over coffee. So be careful who you have coffee with. It stuck with me - there is choice and it's sensible to exercise it!

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

BUT if you want kids within a relationship, it needs to be a focus for you now. If you're almost 34, your fertility will drop off a clip at 40. So you have 6ish years.

Absolutely hold out for what you want. But maybe, if you want children, you might have to decide in the next few years if you're prepared to be a single parent or if you'd rather not have a family than do it alone.

Really don’t blame you. Why would you? What are the benefits? None as far as I can see. Limited holidays, shared Christmas, alternative weekends, etc etc

No you’re not selfish you know how you want your life to be. I’m 40’s and in my 20’s I don’t think I would have been keen on dating someone with children either. Even now newly single ish and I would rather men don’t have children or children are teens and above. As I know how hard work small children are as I have been there and done it.

Same here and lucky for me my partner didn't want to date a woman with kids so now we are nearing 60 after 15 lovely years. We met on Tinder

Fair enough Op.
I felt the same 35 years ago. I held out and got the best bloke in the world( still is!)

I was the same, single for 6 years, from 29 to 35, I was very particular about not dating a man with kids, having come from a blended family myself and seeing how awful it can be, I didn’t want that for myself, and as I didn’t want kids, I wanted a man I could travel with, weekends away, nights out at a moments notice. All my friends told me I was too fussy, I will never find a man without kids at my age, I will end up alone……but I was fine with that. I had a great life, I was very similar to you, out with friends all the time, having fun. Then I met the man of my dreams (on tinder as well! 🤣) he is a pilot with no kids, loves to travel, weekends away, doesn’t want kids, and and have so much fun together! I’m so glad I didn’t settle - like I had done most of my dating life! Life is too short to settle! Iv seen people that settle, and it’s looks miserable!

What would be selfish is dating a man with children and expecting him to put you before those children.