Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

I don’t blame you. I have a son who is single and in his 30s with no kids. There are men like him around if you look.

I would feel exactly the same OP. I felt like this when I was looking I'm my mid 40s😂

On dating apps previously I would say no kids. 😂😂 but men didn’t think this applied to them. Would be chatting and would get to arrange a date and they would mention a kid 😂 always honest about it, the men not so much…

You’re also allowed to have personal boundaries in your 40s, FFS
At ANY age.

Not at all. I never dated men with children in my early 30s because I knew I wanted to have children.

I couldn't date a man who was a bad father but knew dating any man who was a good father would mean sharing and comprising my pre-child life more then I could not resent, and then my own family life and that of my children.

I'm 44. I think not having kids is a more normal nowadays. I have plenty of male friends as well in the same position so I don't think the pickings are all that slim.

So when did you start dating men, in your 40s? Did you end up having kids in your 40s?

It's the opposite of selfish. You know that's not what you want, so you're actively avoiding being in that situation. Selfish would be taking up with a man who has kids despite knowing you have no interest in them, and damaging their relationship with their Dad as a result as you inevitably come between them. So many women do this. Be proud you're not one of them. Step-parents need to be prepared to give it their all from the off. If their heart isn't in it, it rarely ends well.

I would disagree with what looks like the majority here, I would say it's selfish, in that you are putting your own wants and needs first.

But I would also say that that's the only reasonable stance here. A man with kids has some serious obligations to deal with, that (if he's at all decent) will take up a significant amount of his free time. And if that's not something you are totally on board with, then dating one is a bad idea for both of you.

So I'm not voting. Because I think it's technically selfish, but I also think that being selfish when it comes to major life decisions that don't really affect anyone else is completely reasonable.

You're absolutely right to have preferences op. Why shouldn't you?

When I was on apps many years ago I had men reject me when they realised I was a single mum. I respected their honesty and wished them the best , though they should've read my info as I was upfront about my parental status!

And to be completely honest , I didn't want to date men with their own kids. That may sound odd but I've heard and seen too many stories about men wanting a woman to be an instant step mum to their kids and take over the mental load of their access time.

Same here OP if I didn't want my own children why on earth would I want someone else's?! I'm aware that limits my options but to be honest I don't care anymore. Most relationships turn to shit anyway and I just don't want kids in my life. If people think that's selfish so what fuck them.

Selfish to put my own needs first? I said i don’t want to date a man with kids. Full stop.

I’m not clear if OP has a child herself or not. She mentioned not wanting a blended family.

When my kids were younger, I preferred to date other parents, as we were all in the same boat, understood parenting responsibilities.

Your choice is valid, communicate it early and respectfully and all is good.

i have found as friends git married and settled down other friends got panicked and started to settle. You aren’t doing that (good for you) and the friends that put having any man as a partner over having the right man will want you to take the same stance to validate their compromise.
good that you have standards and are sticking to them.

I remember that feeling well and I met DH just before I was 30. Sadly, it seems there is still some othering of young, single women. Rise above it and stick to your guns. The settlers will likely be quite miserable in a decade and you'll be in a much better position than them whether you have met the right man or not.

Stepdads and blended families bring untold complications anyway and not something to be envied. Our own children either still want their parents together or want more of their mum.

I married someone with kids, and I absolutely love those kids and being a stepmother.

You shouldn’t date someone with kids.

They’re not an afterthought, or a detail you can compromise on, or something you can work through to get past, and the selfish choice is to treat someone’s kids like that. A partner having children - and you having a relationship with those children, navigating parenthood with their father, and potentially balancing complex sibling and family structures when additional DC arrive - will be a central feature of your relationship, collective finances, and family indefinitely or the guy is a shite father looking for someone willing to overlook that. “Don’t be too picky” is for when he’s into jam bands or brushes his teeth in the shower, not foundational elements of what your life together and your family dynamics would look like.

But with some I find they think I’m really fussy and don’t understand why I can’t just settle. Like why would I? Why do I need to rush?

Well if you are nearly 34, are you wanting your own biological kids? They may think you "need to rush" because as you get into mid/late thirties, your own fertility is waning. Miscarriages go up, it takes longer to conceive.
So lets assume you met someone in the next 6 months, when you are aged 34. You would probably want to be in a committed relationship for at least a year and preferably longer before planning a baby. It could take another year to conceive. If conceiving naturally doesn't happen you might then need to wait/spend months pursuing ivf etc. All of that time you (and your eggs) are aging.

I totally agree its fine to prefer no kids - but your friends might think you "need to rush" simply because you don't have forever to have your own biological kids.

YANBU.
I don't understand why you need validation from anyone on MN about this.

I wouldn’t say that it’s selfish but I would say that it’s potentially shortsighted.

Theres plenty of men out there who don’t have children because nobody would want them with them. You need to be able to spot these ones.

A man with children he doesn’t see - huge red flag run a million miles.

A man with children he is actively parenting and responsible for. To me that’s a green flag.

Whg wouldnt she out her own needs and wants first? She doesnt want to date a man with kids. Why should she?

the only way that would be selfish is if you think lying men get to choose who they date but women dont. And even if it wasnt a deal breaker he had kids, the men lying about them moat definitely should be.

Being in your 30s your pickings will be slimmer but no not selfish

I think it’s perfectly reasonable. I myself want a relationship where I see the person 3ish times a week around my children who I have 50/50 so on the apps I say I’m looking for a part time lover 😂 but truly I’m not looking for a live in relationship or a blended family.

I find it depressing as fuck how many women pair up with fathers without thinking of the reality. Then they have their own baby and only then realise that they'll never be a nuclear family and resent the step kids. There's so much information online about people's experiences of blended families, both good and bad, that it's completely stupid to get into one without really discerning if it's right for you.

Well done for using your brain and deciding it's not a good option for you.