For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Cock lodger in training.

So he's disabled?

You can date whoever you like but I wouldn't be rushing to telling everyone I turned someone down for having a disability.

Well there are lots of unemployed women who I presume manage to get dates

I think not working due to ill health/disability is different to just straight up not working, but if he’s not the one for you.. then he’s not the one for you. And that’s fine! I prefer to have similar lifestyle/finances too.

You can not date anyone for any reason. I don’t date men who misuse semi-colons or like football.

Lots of people will say YABU due to him having an an accident.
However, it’s perfectly ok to choose not to start to date him.
Slightly different if you’d been married 20 years and he had an accident and couldn’t work…….

You do what's good for you.
You don't owe him anything.

I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well

How did you expect someone to take "I'm ditching you because you got disabled by an accident at work" exactly?

It's good for him that you did though. He most likely deserves someone considerably less snooty and judgemental.

I'm not keen on anyone who misuses commas, never mind semi-colons.

Very few people know how to use punctuation nowadays.

I find this really cuts the dating pool down.
🤣

She has a child. If it got serious, and went all the way, she would be the sole supporter of her child and this man. I wouldn’t do it. Plenty of disabled people work. It isn’t about disability. It’s about financially supporting him, and it’s right from the start. It’s different if you’re already in it with someone and then something happens so they stop working; you’ve got a foundation of love and respect and you know they’re not after you for your money. But starting out with such a disparity and knowing he would end up reliant on her… nope.

I don't think so - if he has a council house/flat, he's better off keeping that than giving it up and moving in with someone who might throw him out.

However, he doesn't sound like a high achiever (even if this is not his fault) and the OP can certainly do better.

I find this wild. I'm currently falling in love with someone who is dyslexic and spells things wrong/doesn't use punctuation.
He's one of the best people I've ever met.

@Butterfly789

It's a hard no from me. So he is 38 and hasn't worked for 5 years. Is he ever going to work again? I wouldn't be starting a new life (as a young woman) with a man who has no job, no matter what the reason. No job, no assets. Not much to look forward to with him is there? Can he drive?

Sorry also OP I don't think there's anything wrong with this. He's not the right person for you and you're in different places. But you can't expect anyone rejected to take it well. For them to take it in a dignified way is probably the best you can hope for.

Hes had a lucky escape

A lot of disabled ppl live in social housing because of being on a low income.

lives in council housing

Yes, you are a snob.

It's up to you really , l mean if you meet this person and maybe like him you at least know he is disabled , not working , either way only you can judge really . I have a friend who married a disabled person and been very happy over 25 years .l am older person it's up to you ,you know what this man is like . You have to think about about your small one as well

Actually, my response was a bit tongue-in-cheek.

My husband is severely dyslexic and so is one of our sons, and I love them both very much.

He could be 'unemployed' but had a massive payout due to the the accident (if it wasn't his fault), for self-sufficient. A lot depends on context.

I have a disability & don't work because of it. I don't tbink you are being unreasonable. Having a disability impacts lots of areas of my life & not everyone would have the understanding/willingness to change their lifestyle - human nature. If you started a relationship & wanted to live together, you could potentially be expected to support him financially with the way the benefit system is set up in the UK.

The relationship is more likely to work if you each bring to it similar things and want similar things.

At 28 I would have wanted to date people with a similar lifestyle to me ie working in a job with good career prospects and a comfortable income level that enables you to enjoy leisure time in a way you want.

It's ok to not want to date someone who has a different lifestyle to you.

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

You can choose not to date anyone for any reason whatsoever. No one is entitled to your time, your attention or your affection.

When I was single, my list of dealbreakers included things like veganism, not reading for fun and wearing jewellery of any kind. There was loads more, but those are the things that immediately spring to mind!

It does! The comma splice really sorts out the sheep from the goats…