For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Haven’t RTFT, however YANBU at all. Next!

I'm in the same position reading this comments. It's interesting what people say about you when they think you're not listening isn't it?

FWIW, I turn down more men than I date. Most people are looking for love, not a leg up in life. And after reading some of these comments, I'm glad any trash waddled itself out before I knew about it!

These are exactly some of the reasons I have given up on finding a date again. I don’t want someone to think they have to care for me or provide for me and I don’t wish to be a burden on anybody. It’s a lot to take on, so a lot of disabled people are avoidant of love and relationships because they don’t want to impose on someone else’s life. When I read things like this it just reaffirms it. Sad maybe, but it’s a reality we have to face.

Exactly

You have total autonomy on this @Butterfly789

You don't have to be with him and equally, you can be if you want. You don't need validation.

In all honesty, if DH had been disabled and unemployed we probably wouldn't have met. If DH became unemployed and disabled I'd make sure I stood with him until the last moment.

You’re being very sensible and wise imo.

I agree entirely with your rationale.

I (kind of) get the outrage. To a decent polite sort of person, one who's default response is to give the benefit of the doubt it is unthinkable to accuse others of such things. And of course that politeness and the tendency to think the best of people is a big part of how the blaggers get away with it!

Woah - there's some big time virtue signalling going on there! Her first duty is to the wellbeing of her daughter. It is understandable that she wants a partner who is self-sufficient and at a similar level of self-sufficiency to her own, and who will improve their lives (not just hers, but her daughter's too) and not potentially present her with, essentially, someone else to take care of/fund. That's not fair on her, and that's not fair on her daughter. And this isn't a disabled issue: I am disabled. I also am completely self-sufficient/make a really good living etc etc. I understand why OP is wary - and also understand that it's a great shame because it seemed like he would have been a good buddy - but you've got to be realistic when you have a child to support and don't have much spare time for dating. Dating should be fun! Not something with a constant worry about whether you can afford to do the same activities together and whether you are going to be asked to pay for things/be the sole breadwinner - when what she may actually want is to be joint breadwinners (which is completely valid).

Swerve, sounds suspicious

Personally, I would not start a relationship with someone who is unemployed and living in council accommodation. Of course, if I am in a relationship and my partner happens to have an accident and is then unable to work, I would support him all the way. Why start a relationship with someone in those conditions, when you have a child you're responsible for, and you're a homeowner on a good income? Relationships are hard enough without such shortcomings. No, you're not a snob, you're being sensible.

This is a really odd Aibu, why do you think you are obliged to date anyone?? You can choose not to date anyone for any reason- being reasonable or a cow has nothing to do with it!!

Christ peoples bars are so low. Why on earth would a young women with a child take on a guy who hadn’t worked in five years (despite appearing to have an a active life - gym etc) who is also 10 years older. Like with no income outside benefits any meals outs , holidays etc she would have to pay for. Are people really that desperate- would be a hard no from me .. simply wouldn’t even entertain it. If he can go to the gym he can work .. maybe not fulltime and maybe some roles will be beyond him but the fact he has chosen not do anything for 5 years is telling.

YANBU in the slightest. Lots of people say they are unable to work when it’s not strictly true.
It might be harder and of course there are people who genuinely are unable to work due to disability. I don’t believe we should judge people that don’t work. They certainly don’t harm us the way some would have you believe. However, it’s unlikely you’d have anything in common with this guy.

And this.

Ha! He can go to the gym and out with friends, but cannot do any kind of work?? Run for the hills.

It's a shame you've given up. I am also disabled - and I haven't given up, I'm just too busy having fun to be interested in getting into a serious relationship. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Now: part of the reason I am disabled is because I was violently assaulted by an ex-spouse: so of course one might argue that I am relationship avoidant because of this. But that's not true: I had (at least to begin with) an awesome "swept of my feet" relationship a number of years after my divorce...it was great. But we were not on the same page about what we wanted from life: I need to be able to trust someone, and the guy in question was "pretending" to be a good guy, when actually he couldn't maintain the facade. He was not the same social/educational/career/financial level as me but I didn't particularly mind about that - he loved his work and was passionate about it (and his hobbies) and that was awesome. But he wasn't trustworthy and that's not something I will tolerate anymore.

Since then I've dated a few times but much prefer just enjoying my spare time doing exactly what I want to do. The notion of "giving up" wouldn't occur to me - I am just busy having fun :)

Op there is nothing wrong with any of what you have said.

If you had posted this person as your partner everyone would be telling you to get rid.

I've seen people here say they wouldn't date a non driver

You sound very successful, dont rush into something you dont think is right.

Best of luck

Dating is not about "being kind". It is about finding someone compatible with the life you want, and whom you are attracted to and shares your values.

All those women who think dating is about offering your services to maintain and care for the first stranger you find in your path... well, you can keep them all and see how that works out for you.

I wanted an equal partner who was self-sufficient and earned at least a similar amount to myself so I could keep doing the things I liked and having the life I wanted. If I couldn't have that, then I was equally happy by myself. But my plans for the future don't include becoming a nurse and bank account for a stranger out of pity.

As it happened, I did find a person who actually exceeded the qualities and values I wanted. If I had settled for the first old unemployed guy I met on Tinder I would never have met my current wonderful partner. Who happens to be younger than me, too.

For the love of God women, value yourself!

Just because someone goes to the gym and has friends it doesn’t necessarily mean they will find it easy to find work. Plenty of disabled people do work but the opportunities are fewer, and a lot of companies won’t give people the chance despite the discrimination laws. It’s not as easy for a disabled person to walk into any old job depending on their impairments, and maybe he goes to the gym to help him build muscle etc because of his condition.

I have qualifications and technically can work but don’t drive and live in a town where jobs are few and far between. My physical disability and mental health condition has hindered me throughout my life, and people are unwilling to employ me. Can I not have friends or go to gyms? 🤣

You’re ignorant and making bold assumptions about someone you know nothing about

For me, it would be important for him to have some sort of plan. If he worked in a manual job, then undertaking some training for a more sedentary job. Maybe some volunteering. Something to give him skills in a new sector where he could find something to dolo that would lead to a job he could do, even if part time. Or a part time from home business. Something, or at least a plan for something.

Whilst there are some people whose disabilities mean they can't do any job, in any sector, in why location, his lifestyle doesn't give off those vibes.

I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

Major red flag to me. You don't owe him a date. You can change your mind. You can rethink things in a sensible way, particularly bearing in mind you have a child.

I'm glad you did. All the people insisting you are a snob and acting as if you owe him not just a date but your full lifetime devotion after a few weeks of messages are... somehow personalising your comments as relating to them and/or perhaps not well!

Dating isn’t an equal opportunity endevour. You don’t owe everyone a turn. Or indeed anyone.

Out of complete nosiness, what did he say / how did he react when you canceled it, specifically, beyond "didn't take it well". I'm interested to know if he was sad / enraged / mildly offended etc.

I have a friend who goes to the gym and meets up with friends. She can not work. I know her well. We met in a psychiatric hospital.

It doesn’t matter if you have a child or not, you wouldn’t be somehow more obliged to give him a chance if you didn’t.

It also doesn’t matter how ‘nice’ he is or what else he brings to the table if you very reasonably don’t want to assume the majority of, if not all, financial burden in a relationship.