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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
Shudacudawuda · 26/05/2025 10:47

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 20:46

I would certainly advise my daughter to look for kindness, not wealth.

You can't buy kindness.

Show quote history

That's the kind of thing a person who has never experienced poverty would say.
I will be advising my daughter to look for kindness alongside a partner who will help provide financial stability in her life.
I grew up poor, neither of my parents were great providers. It does not lead to happiness I'll tell you that for free.
My husband is very kind. We both bring in an income and share all we have. That's what to aspire to.
OP you have every right to look for a partner who works. I would too.

Comtesse · 26/05/2025 10:57

Shudacudawuda · 26/05/2025 10:47

That's the kind of thing a person who has never experienced poverty would say.
I will be advising my daughter to look for kindness alongside a partner who will help provide financial stability in her life.
I grew up poor, neither of my parents were great providers. It does not lead to happiness I'll tell you that for free.
My husband is very kind. We both bring in an income and share all we have. That's what to aspire to.
OP you have every right to look for a partner who works. I would too.

Show quote history

I agree with this. It’s lovely to have a kind husband, but it’s even better to have a kind, solvent husband.

echt · 26/05/2025 10:57

Missanimosity · 26/05/2025 01:59

People keep giving examples about how you can be active social and still classes as disabled (heart attack. Muscular distrophy etc) that is not relevant. He might be all that, he might be none. OP is going by the information she has from him and seen. She sees nothing wrong with him and yet he doesen't work, or has any plans to work. And that puts him out of her possible relationships pool. That is enough. Any other speculation is not relevant. Some of you guys are here for a witchhunt and use "your kindness" as a stick to beat others with for not thinking like you. Give me a break. Woman is right and is chosing with her head.

This. Big time.

Babyboomtastic · 26/05/2025 11:00

Pavedaspen · 26/05/2025 10:14

Most if those possibilities you suggest would leave someone destitute and homeless, because there are extremely strict rules on how much you're allowed to work without being benefits being stopped. Most disabled people on benefits I know would be overjoyed and have actually worked very hard campaigning for decades to be allowed to do bits of work here and there freelance or from home.

Show quote history

I'm fairly sure you absolutely can do that. Obviously if you earn over a certain amount, your benefits will reduce and eventually stop.

See
https://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/resources/permitted-work#:~:text=Donate-,Disability%20benefits,the%20amount%20of%20your%20benefit.

If I'm wrong, he could still do volunteering, as that might give him new skills to help in a future job.

Permitted work | Disability Rights UK

https://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/resources/permitted-work#:~:text=Donate-,Disability%20benefits,the%20amount%20of%20your%20benefit.

Muffinmam · 29/05/2025 14:13

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 06:16

Just some points I want to address -

This man doesn’t class himself as disabled. He had an accident over 10 years ago and hurt his leg, which still causes him pain every now and then. After his accident, he continued to work up until 5 years ago.

I don’t think he’s had a massive pay out because he mentioned a few times that he has plans to go back to work “eventually”

Another thing that put me off him is every morning he goes swimming, goes to the gym, is always out with friends and is always out and about in his car. He just doesn’t present as someone who is unable to have a job to me.

He’s lying for the reason he is unemployed. He Doesn’t want to work.

Dump him.

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