For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

Has he spoken of any future goals? Working towards more employment? At least the only way he can go is up?

If he's not right for you, he's not right for you. Maybe don't tell him it's because of his disabled status though. That would be hurtful, as he can't help it.

He must be covering his own expenses now though? And socialising also? So it's not like he's destitute is it

I don't think you are being a snob,or unreasonable. I started going out with a bloke quite a few years ago ,who,after spinning me some bullshit for 2 months about working in a warehouse at the airport,turned out to be unemployed. Explained why he never had any money! By then I'd had enough of him,and the reason I finished with him was not because he was unemployed (as he seemed to think),it was because he lied to me, and because he was constantly asking me for money.

I got dumped off a guy because I told him I unmatched someone because their job was a takeaway delivery guy. He thought I was a gold digger. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve spent 20 years supporting someone quite happy to watch me run myself into the ground to support them when they were perfectly capable of matching my input. I’m not spending another 20 doing the same and that’s my choice that I won’t apologise for. It’s not about what someone earns it’s about what they bring to the table in all aspects of a relationship. Someone cruising at that level isn’t matching my energy.

Hiw do you know.youbwill en dup supporting him financially? Do you know his detailed financial situation? Have you spoke to him abojt his future plans around work?

If he is busy going out alot he is clearly affording it.

YABU. Someone I know has tonnes of disposable income in similar circumstances, massive pay out.

I never saw this an an option we could pick. If I had, I would have picked it.

That said, there are ways to find out if people on dating websites are, in fact, actually, you know, dating? I mean you get to learn key questions like, what was the last film you saw at the cinema and when was the last time you tried a new restaurant/coffee/shop/cafe.

One of my questions used to be "the weathers been lovely today hasn't it? I've been in the garden all day! Do you spend much time in the garden?"

You were right to cancel. It's an unbalanced start and he sounds frankly, like a major slacker, like a professional slacker in fact. Best avoided.

And I don't think you have to explain to the wind-up crew on here who just pile on with inaccurate criticisms. Ignore them, too.

Perhaps he thought she was an easy target as a single mum and got disappointed it didn’t work out.

No wonder he was pissed off, he must've thought he'd won the lottery when he pulled you OP, what an asset you'd have been for him, a fairy godmother AND 10 yrs younger. He'd soon sweet talk you into having his children, sabotage your career and then he'd go for your house.
Men dont like being outclassed by women, he'd have to crush you and purloin your stuff.

Yes, that's true, he might be sitting on a massive payout he's not telling you about.

If my DH died I'd get a massive life insurance payment. You can bet I wouldn't tell anyone I dated about that because I wouldn't want it to factor in their mind. In fact, I've decided in that situation I will never date to protect it for my children.

Fine to make that decision. Totally understandable.

If you haven't met someone, probably easiest to be discreet about the 'why' you're cancelling. He didn't particularly need to know it was about his disability and didn't get anything great from having it pointed out.

Don't now start judging him for being workshy because of what you've seen he can do. You've never met and don't know the extent of his condition. He may have been putting a positive front on for dating. You've made your decision. That's fine. Stand by it. Don't start speculating about him. For all you know about him he's had a hard time and is trying to rebuild his life.

😀Those were my thoughts exactly. But when i put in my post "he's got a fucking cheek to even ask you out" quite a few mumsnetters were outraged lol.

This thread is depressing. One of the first comments is about being a cocklodger.
I guess I am the female version. I am disabled and not able to work. Am I meant to stay single forever?
Anyone can opt out of a potential relationship for any reason. I get that. But some of those reasons, we can not help.

This is why disabled people are too scared to do prescribed excersise. Because then ignorant fuckers will immediately assume they are faking

It is absolutely fine to choose not to date someone because they’re unemployed.
It is absolutely fine to choose not to date someone because they live in a council house.
It is absolutely fine to choose not to date someone because they’re disabled.

Women don’t exist to be an equal opportunities dating pool, we can turn down men for whatever reason we want.

😂🤣

Dating is not about assigning fault.

As I said, I won't date anyone with small children. It's not their fault they have children. They can't 'help' it. But equally, I am not interested in going back to the small children stage.

You are NOT being a heartless cow. I wouldn't date this man either. You are clearly driven & succeeding in life (YAY, you!). There's nothing wrong with picking a partner who is on the same wavelength. Keep your standard high.

I know, but I was more taking issue with people like me being called a "cocklodger in the making". Like we are all seeking someone who works to leach off of.
I just want someone to love me for who I am.

Yes look at you with your job and child, forfeit the things you want and support him for life. Women only exist to please a man's desires.

OP, I think as soon as you have children, you have to go into any relationship with your head as well as your heart. Is this man a good potential role model for any future children you might have? I would answer no, if he hasn’t had a job for five years - and the fact that he is older than you might indicate that he’s unlikely to change that state of affairs. He may well be lovely, but I think if you were to pursue the relationship, there would be trouble down the line and arguments over money. You have done well to call a halt early on, before either of you were committed to the relationship.

No, you are making the decision not to take on another dependent. FWIW, neither would I.

I wouldn't even consider dating a man whose disability made him unemployed who was ten years older than me.

I would not begin a relationship where it was highly likely I would be expected to take on the role of carer as well as being the sole source of income if it became long term.

It's not horrible, it's practical.
That is not the future I want for myself.

If I was in a long term relationship with someone and they became disabled and unemployed, that would be different.

Great! I guess date one of them instead then?