Page 3 | For not dating an unemployed man?

Butterfly789 · 2025-05-20T21:53:58+00:00

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow! I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well. For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed. Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

KnittyNell · 20/05/2025 23:23

Charlottejbt · 20/05/2025 23:00

I don't think so - if he has a council house/flat, he's better off keeping that than giving it up and moving in with someone who might throw him out.

However, he doesn't sound like a high achiever (even if this is not his fault) and the OP can certainly do better.

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Better than what?

Pavedaspen · 20/05/2025 23:23

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

Presumably if he's unable to work he has disability benefits, or if he is able to work he will be working, so he has an income either way.

The problem might arise if you were to move in together, as he would lose his benefits apart from p.i.p. (if he's eligible for that). He would be giving up secure housing to move in with you, however, which would be foolhardy and only make sense if you were to give him security in a share of your house. That makes it a difficult situation, if looking that far ahead.

On the other hand, he's available (if willing and able) for childcare, if he's not working, which makes a huge difference.
My ex is disabled and unable to work, which means I was able to train in a new career and work, while he looked after DC.

It's not nice to reject someone due to their disability, nor due to their misfortune, nor due to their lack of wealth...but, as you don't want to fall in love with someone in his circumstances, you were right to stop seeing him.

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/05/2025 23:24

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

If things go that far, he shacks up with you and you rent out the council house on the sly

cherish123 · 20/05/2025 23:25

Yanbu
Don't feel bad. He's not for you.
Presumably, you've worked hard to get where you are. You would end up paying for him and bringing down your standard of living.

Glammami · 20/05/2025 23:28

Run for the hills

PawsAndTails · 20/05/2025 23:28

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

Whether that's a problem depends on what else he brings to the table. He's disabled, so you might be the high earner. That depends if you think what he brings to your life is worth that. I'm sure there's a lot more to him than his low income status, which isn't his fault.

I mean, you bring a child to the table, and that's not a small ask for anyone to take on. I'd probably rather a low earner than the demands that come with someone else's child.

TheUsualChaos · 20/05/2025 23:28

Interesting how wildly people have missed the point here. She hasn't turned him down because of disability. She's turned him because she already has a child to support and isn't looking for a relationship in which she would be the only person with a salaried income and potentially have to support another adult as well.

People with disabilities work. In fact with all the work from home jobs now, there are less barriers for employment. Therefore I'd assume his reasons for not working were either preferring to live off benefits or (more likely) severe mental health issues preventing him from being able to cope with a job. Neither of which would make a good starting point for a stable relationship nor are they OPs problems to fix/support. Especially with a child to think about as well.

ilovesooty · 20/05/2025 23:29

ARichtGoodDram · 20/05/2025 22:59

I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well

How did you expect someone to take "I'm ditching you because you got disabled by an accident at work" exactly?

It's good for him that you did though. He most likely deserves someone considerably less snooty and judgemental.

Perhaps she didn't mention the fact that she's a homeowner and he lives in a council house...

PawsAndTails · 20/05/2025 23:32

TheUsualChaos · 20/05/2025 23:28

Interesting how wildly people have missed the point here. She hasn't turned him down because of disability. She's turned him because she already has a child to support and isn't looking for a relationship in which she would be the only person with a salaried income and potentially have to support another adult as well.

People with disabilities work. In fact with all the work from home jobs now, there are less barriers for employment. Therefore I'd assume his reasons for not working were either preferring to live off benefits or (more likely) severe mental health issues preventing him from being able to cope with a job. Neither of which would make a good starting point for a stable relationship nor are they OPs problems to fix/support. Especially with a child to think about as well.

Presumably he is supporting himself now, however that happens? In his place I'd be worried about losing those financial supports if the relationship goes south in future. He has a lot to lose.

Poopeepoopee · 20/05/2025 23:32

YANBU OP

in fact, he's got a fucking cheek even asking you out, considering you're employed and a home-owner. He should be looking at dating women on his own level.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/05/2025 23:33

You’re not a cow - it’s called having standards. When I was dating my must haves were job, home, car, no kids, no mental ex still knocking about, non smoker. Everything else was flexible but those were my must haves.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:33

TheUsualChaos · 20/05/2025 23:28

Interesting how wildly people have missed the point here. She hasn't turned him down because of disability. She's turned him because she already has a child to support and isn't looking for a relationship in which she would be the only person with a salaried income and potentially have to support another adult as well.

People with disabilities work. In fact with all the work from home jobs now, there are less barriers for employment. Therefore I'd assume his reasons for not working were either preferring to live off benefits or (more likely) severe mental health issues preventing him from being able to cope with a job. Neither of which would make a good starting point for a stable relationship nor are they OPs problems to fix/support. Especially with a child to think about as well.

Thank you, this is exactly it!

Also, just to point out, this man is out every day with friends, at the gym, playing sports so it’s not like he’s at home bedridden or confined to a wheelchair. He probably could get a job. But he didn’t go into details regarding the extent of his injury so I don’t know - but based on his lifestyle, it doesn’t sound like he’s severely disabled

OP posts:

NebulousWhistler · 20/05/2025 23:33

WhySoManySocks · 20/05/2025 23:20

Oooh, do go on; you’re sending shivers down my spine. I’m happily married but might reconsider if Jason Momoa or a good semicolon show up.

Edited

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I read somewhere that the semicolon was dying out. I’m an avid user of semicolons. I was never into performance parenting, but I performance use the hell out of semicolons in WhatsApp groups. “Look at me and my excellent grammar even just when checking if the PE kit is required that day”

But I digress.
OP any reason, no matter how irrational it might seem to someone else, is valid when it comes to dating; you don’t owe this guy anything.

Caerulea · 20/05/2025 23:34

2025isavibe · 20/05/2025 23:12

It's context. In the same way as their ages, if he has kids, if she has kids.

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No it's not, not unless you're going to mention private renting, or how many rooms they have in their mortgaged home, or if they've even got a mortgage etc etc. Do they have a drive? A garage? How big is their garden?

None of those are important but it being a council house is. Why is that?...

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 20/05/2025 23:35

Walk away @Butterfly789. It sounds like you can do better. Plenty of people specify age, height, ethnicity because " it's just what I like". You are allowed to be interested in those who are financially solvent and independent.

Caerulea · 20/05/2025 23:35

Poopeepoopee · 20/05/2025 23:32

YANBU OP

in fact, he's got a fucking cheek even asking you out, considering you're employed and a home-owner. He should be looking at dating women on his own level.

Okay fuck this thread

Pavedaspen · 20/05/2025 23:36

Poopeepoopee · 20/05/2025 23:32

YANBU OP

in fact, he's got a fucking cheek even asking you out, considering you're employed and a home-owner. He should be looking at dating women on his own level.

Perhaps he imagines dating is about love and romance, and doesn't realise some people see it as a financial arrangement?

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/05/2025 23:36

Not unreasonable at all. Though I would've probably said something sooner.

You have a child to think about and financially support.

Teanbiscuits33 · 20/05/2025 23:37

This thread is a sad read, although I understand fully why the responses have gone the way they have and I’m not suggesting OP should date someone who can’t work, it’s just sad to think that not being able to work or not easily finding work is just another barrier to disabled people finding partners. I’m sure there’s some very nice people out there with a lot to give that get rejected for things like this, on top of being rejected for being disabled in itself. Ultimately, though, OP, It’s your choice. I think it’s probably sensible to be pragmatic. If he’s nice to chat to though, there’s no reason you can’t be friends

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:37

None of those are important but it being a council house is. Why is that?...

Snobbery, but she won't admit it.

ARichtGoodDram · 20/05/2025 23:38

TheUsualChaos · 20/05/2025 23:28

Interesting how wildly people have missed the point here. She hasn't turned him down because of disability. She's turned him because she already has a child to support and isn't looking for a relationship in which she would be the only person with a salaried income and potentially have to support another adult as well.

People with disabilities work. In fact with all the work from home jobs now, there are less barriers for employment. Therefore I'd assume his reasons for not working were either preferring to live off benefits or (more likely) severe mental health issues preventing him from being able to cope with a job. Neither of which would make a good starting point for a stable relationship nor are they OPs problems to fix/support. Especially with a child to think about as well.

She's got no idea of his financial set up.

ilovesooty · 20/05/2025 23:38

Poopeepoopee · 20/05/2025 23:32

YANBU OP

in fact, he's got a fucking cheek even asking you out, considering you're employed and a home-owner. He should be looking at dating women on his own level.

Perhaps she should adjust her profile so that she doesn't encounter the undesirables in the first place. 🙄

Maria1982 · 20/05/2025 23:38

Workisntworking · 20/05/2025 22:58

You do what's good for you.
You don't owe him anything.

This! With bells on.

plus: trust your instincts

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/05/2025 23:38

Accident at work doesn’t fully explain why he isn’t working. I’m a wheelchair user and I work. One of the higher ups where I work is partially sighted and obviously works. I can think of three possibilities, either he is genuinely so severely disabled that he is unable to work, he could work but not in a job that was going to bring in enough money and would fuck up his benefits and end up making him poorer (which is the stupid reality for a lot of people), or he could work but doesn’t need to because he can live comfortably on benefits. If it’s the latter I’d run a mile. The other two wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, if he was still a productive sort of person doing things with his life, but you are allowed to decide anything is a deal breaker for you.

PawsAndTails · 20/05/2025 23:39

Teanbiscuits33 · 20/05/2025 23:37

This thread is a sad read, although I understand fully why the responses have gone the way they have and I’m not suggesting OP should date someone who can’t work, it’s just sad to think that not being able to work or not easily finding work is just another barrier to disabled people finding partners. I’m sure there’s some very nice people out there with a lot to give that get rejected for things like this, on top of being rejected for being disabled in itself. Ultimately, though, OP, It’s your choice. I think it’s probably sensible to be pragmatic. If he’s nice to chat to though, there’s no reason you can’t be friends

It is sad but I guess it's good that OP is upfront and this man can find someone who will love him for him?