For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

i.e. she has massive debts whereas he has secure housing. Hmm.

Yeah it would be fine for a man to turn down a woman with a child because he thinks he can do better.

But I wouldn't be on here applauding him for it if he wrote a post about it. It's fine to have preferences, of course. But some preferences are best kept to yourself.

Of course relationships are about love and romance, but unfortunately finances do play an important role, especially when children are involved

Yes, completely! Nobody is obliged to date anyone for any reason. It can be awful being different in our society, though!

I agree with this poster. Will he ever work again? Does he do any volunteer work? What is the nature of his disability or reason not work?

Don't question your gut. If he was able to work or do something meaningful with his time (campaigning, caring for others or volunteering), then fair enough but it doesn't sound like he does anything. Or does he?

Yes.

Lucky escape for the poor guy...

I mean how dare he have an accident and become disabled.

This thread is really sad.

Yes, the OP can choose to date or not date whoever she likes but the venom directed at someone simply for living in a council home and having a disability is tragic.

I don't know. I think children are very important so, if that's not something you want in your life, not going out with people who have one is the fair and sensible thing to do. People tend to be packages, so you really need to look at the whole package before deciding if someone is for you. A disability and being the high earner might not be a deal breaker for me if the person makes me happy and we can have a good life together. At this time of my life, a child would (a young one anyway) because I'm getting past that stage of my own life and I don't want to start again and have the young child lifestyle.

I'd not be keen on the 'can do better' idea because someone has a child, because a child doesn't make you worth less. But I do think a child can fairly be something you don't want to take on.

Yes and people have decided not to date me because I have a child and that’s fine! I understand it’s a lot for some people to take on. Just like it would be a lot for me to take on an unemployed man who I may have to end up financially supporting in the future.

Omg who cares if anyone doesn't want do date someone who lives in a council housing or if they are not at the same financial level? I don't think anyone needs to virtue signal when it comes to choosing a life partner. I know I wouldn't want to date someone who is jobless and living in the estate at this point in my life. Maybe in my 20s when I was more naive. Life offers options and it is hard as it is. Choose the ones that is right for you, he sounds lazy if he is physically active and is jobless by choice.

I agree.

I wouldnt.date anyone with a child either as I find myself unable to love other people's children like my own, or even tolerate them. Why is this terrible?
Better than having a messy blended family.

Would you have to support him though? Presumably he's fine on his own right now and will continue to be so if you don't date him? He may have more to lose in terms of any support payments he might get than you do. They might be hard to get back later if the relationship doesn't work out.

I don't know the situation with this man other than he is disabled. I don't know his future goals, the nature of his disability, anything. All I know is that he is low income.

If he's an otherwise great guy then surely keeping your finances separate is an option? Then you're both financially independent.

You can decide not to date someone for any reason - or none at all.

Regardless of the reasons for his unemployment status, the fact is that you are unlikely to have all that much in common. And a big divergence in income is almost guaranteed to cause problems at some point - likely sooner rather than later. For example (and this is a materialistic example, but it's something that people deal with at some point when dating...going on holiday!) what if you want to go on holiday abroad? He won't be able to pay for the same level of "nice holiday" as you. So you either don't go at all, he doesn't go, or you pay for him. All of those options are rubbish. And that's just one of many problems. If you had unlimited time to meet a lovely chap then I'm sure it would be great to spend more time with him. But, sad to say, you don't. And you don't have to settle for someone just because they've had a cruddy experience(s) in life. It's a shame you couldn't be friends - but that's not why each of you contacted each other. It was good that you didn't string him along/waste his time.

There are some people on this post trying to make it seem like this is a hate campaign against disabled people, and that’s not what it is at all.

First and foremost, I am a mum. Every decision I make is made with my daughter in mind. I don’t think me, as a single mum, getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t work is a sensible decision. I could well end up having to financially support this man, as well as my child, which will of course impact both our lives.

I can only imagine the replies on here if I posted a thread saying ‘I’ve got no money because I was a single mum and got into a relationship with an unemployed man who I’m now supporting’

@Butterfly789

There's nothing wrong with dating an unemployed person if all you're looking for is companionship and nothing more. Or if you're looking for someone to be a stay at home partner and carry the domestic load. But if you want to build a life with someone who is able to contribute to your joint life financially, YANBU at all.

Change your dating profile to " employed/ solvent men only". Will save you time.
Don't waste time trying to convince those who think dating is about being kind.

I am a kind person. I’m just trying to make better decisions with who I date, as I didn’t make a great decision with my daughter’s dad.

As a Mum, I think you are better off staying financially independent and not looking for a man to co-mingle finances with or make you better off, for your child's sake.

Remember that finances can change and the solvent person you date now might be someone you end up having to honour vows 'for richer or poorer' for in future.

A poor guy that is great for you and a good step-father is better than a rich one who isn't that interested in your child or just tolerates them, surely? However, like people say, we all have our own priorities and you can not date anyone for any reason you want.

You don't have to convince me! Your first priority is your daughter, quite rightly.

I’m not looking for a man to make me “better off”. I’m just fine on my own thanks. I’m just saying if I’m in a relationship with someone, obviously at some point I would like to live together/get married. In this case, if that were to happen, then I would be the only earner. The only way to avoid that situation would be to live separately forever, which I wouldn’t want to do in a relationship!

Well it really depends on what your looking for surely doesn't it? I mean if you just want to date, by all means put "just dating" as your status. But don't put "looking for a long term relationship" if you simply don't have anything to bring to the table. It just wastes the other persons time.

It's totally up to you, having a kid will be a massive turn off to heaps of guys so it might be slim pickings but you can reject anyone for any reason you like!

Also, I’m very much aware that finances can change while in a relationship, however, that’s very different to actively choosing to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t work

I wouldn’t say “heaps”… most of the men I’ve spoken to so far don’t have an issue with me having a child and many have children of their own especially if they’re 30+