For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

PEOPLE ARENT SAYING SHE SHOULD DATE HIM Wrote it in capitals as your eyesight didnt catch it in my post which you quoted.

Well done @Butterfly789 👏 I hope you have a lovely time on your dates.

You have done the right thing. This man is not right for you. I wouldn't date him either. Oh and please stop justifying yourself. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone on here. Nor have you been 'ableist.' A man who doesn't work would be repugnant to me, even if he had 'an inheritance.' The lack of drive and motivation, and just lounging around doing nothing, hanging around in the house all day like a fart, would totally boil my piss. He'd get on my last nerve within a week! 😬

I think you’re the one who needs to try to remember the way people date has changed.

Yep No ableism at all Move along nothing to see here. 🙄

Yep it has. Bloody happy im Gen X

Has it not occurred to anybody that, since he was vague about not working at first, and since he insists that he’s ‘’not disabled’’, that he might be minimising it? I’m NOT saying this is the case by the way, but this is someone you don’t really know so you can’t assume much about him, including the extent of his injuries or how his mind works. People say all sorts online, and being disabled can come with a lot of shame. A lot of people have a hard time accepting it, let alone admitting it to someone they like!

Ok well stop going on about disabilities then, as it isn’t relevant to OP and you keep derailing. Make a separate thread about disabilities and social housing and exercise if you want to talk about it all day.

OP, good luck with the next couple of dates you have with more eligible men!

Yes you’re right, that could be the case. But I’m just going off what he’s actually told me instead of speculating. He told me he’s not disabled so I’m not going to start speculating that he is

But you are happy to speculate that he is lazy and work shy

Ermmm yeah because he apparently feels great mentally and has no trouble functioning day to day, yet still doesn’t work. Would you be happy having a partner like this?

Thank you! 😁

I’m not saying you should date him by the way, and certainly if what I said is the case and he can’t be honest with himself and his potential partner then he shouldn’t be dating at all. I’m more pointing this out as a possibility because people are being really judgemental here. He could well be disabled but doesn’t want you to know exactly how much. If he genuinely doesn’t work because of his accident then I’d say it’s pretty significant and doesn’t automatically mean he’s a lazy loser.

Being able to function day to day is a phrase that wouldnt get you very far at a job interview because it doesnt mean that you can work. My DH had a massive heart attack in 2006 which left him unable to work. But after a few months he could function.

I think a woman would have to have a very low bar to settle for a man like this. I would rather be alone truth be told.

OP said this man has a active social life and goes to the gym and often travels to see football matches.
Some of the people I know who don't work are often out doing lots of things. They are not sat doing nothing at home.

Definitely, as it means he has time for childcare and housework! As long as he'd do those.

Personally, when I was on dating sites I blocked all men who put they were looking for women younger than them more than older, iyswim – if a 40 year old man would date a 28 year old and would also date a 52 year old, fine, but no misogynistic pricks who think it's acceptable to have the age difference one way but not the other.

Dunno what this man was like on that point, but age difference preferences would worry me more than current work status.

I wouldn’t call men who wouldn’t date older women ‘mysogynistic pricks’… I can defo see why a man might want to date a younger woman, especially if they want children. Dating an older woman is unlikely
to result in having children

It's at very least pretty entitled. A lot of men don't bother taking responsibility earlier then expect to find someone much younger to have children with.

I doubt the shallowness of going for younger women is about wanting children. More about making themselves feel and look younger.

He isn't going to be looking after OPs DC nor cleaning her house, he isn't her childcare or cleaner but was her date and potential future partner!
He'll have to wait until someone accepts his lazy ass lifestyle choices. Good on OP for setting her bar higher.

Not really a speculation….(and even if it is - if she doesn’t want to waste her time getting to know an unemployed stranger that’s fine too.)

Personally I think it's a very very small number of disabled people who cannot work in any capacity. That doesn't mean finding a suitable job is easy, but there's a lot more versatility in how people work now then previously.

I can understand how a fluctuating health condition/fatigue etc might mean keeping to a commited work schedule would be impossible, but some jobs are v flexible about when work can be done. Or someone could be self employed with work that can be done at their own pace. He could pet sit at people's houses (v little interaction with people if that's an issue, not physically demanding, could still rest if needed). He could sell personalised tat on Etsy (could be largely be done at his own pace, the parcels could be picked up from his home). He could seek out v flexible WFH jobs.

He might not be able to do the same job as previously, but at such a young age, I'd be hoping that he'd have a plan to retrain. To do something.

It's not his disability they would put me off, it's his lack of motivation and creativity.

People keep giving examples about how you can be active social and still classes as disabled (heart attack. Muscular distrophy etc) that is not relevant. He might be all that, he might be none. OP is going by the information she has from him and seen. She sees nothing wrong with him and yet he doesen't work, or has any plans to work. And that puts him out of her possible relationships pool. That is enough. Any other speculation is not relevant. Some of you guys are here for a witchhunt and use "your kindness" as a stick to beat others with for not thinking like you. Give me a break. Woman is right and is chosing with her head.

Most if those possibilities you suggest would leave someone destitute and homeless, because there are extremely strict rules on how much you're allowed to work without being benefits being stopped. Most disabled people on benefits I know would be overjoyed and have actually worked very hard campaigning for decades to be allowed to do bits of work here and there freelance or from home.

It's possible to be on UC and work, (HMRC figures are used to reduce UC by a fair amount). Self-employment wages are declared within assessment periods. I used to approve wages for someone on UC. Her work coach wanted her to pickup more hours but we didn't have them available and she also worked as a carer. Some work so hard and others are avoidant.