Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

[ThisDearPearlBee]

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

Yanbu and I'd go back over your memories of your friendship

I wouldnt say anything now as she'll just accuse you of being jealous etc

Wait until she contacts you. I bet she'll try to breeze past it and act like there's nothing untoward.

You deserve better xx

I had a three way friendship but I was a lot closer to A than B back then so I just had A as bridesmaid. It wasn’t to be mean I just only wanted 1 adult bridesmaid. When B got married she just had A but when A got married she had both of us.

She is still your friend and may have good reasons for not having both of you rather than it being personal but I agree she should have given you a heads up.

Will you ask her? Or will B?

I'm too old to sit around wondeting where I stand in relationships.

Why don't you juat ask her why shes not asked you?

It’s not unreasonable to be upset but I wouldn’t say anything.

That happened to me once. I felt slightly put out when I found out, but then I appreciated that the bride was always closer to the other friend than me. Even in a group of 3, one person can be very close to the other two but the other two not have as close a bond with each other.

If it was me, I’d be interested to know why bride friend didn’t pick me, but I’m not sure I’d have the pride to ask. Is it possible she asked you via message and you didn’t get it and now she assumes you’re ignoring her?

They’re not your friends, they certainly don’t value you as close as you do them.

if she can only afford one bridesmaid she should’ve asked a family member instead.

if this happened to me, I wouldn’t kick up a fuss to them, but I wouldn’t going to the wedding and would be distancing myself.

are you plus size OP? Not that it’s an excuse at all (I’m plus size) but is it possible she set her heart on dresses that don’t do your size? It’s no excuse but maybe that’s a reason. that or she’s worried that you will outshine her looks wise, if you’re physically more attractive.

I bet you are absolutely gorgeous and she is afraid you will outshine her OP.

What a silly overreaction. The OP wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid, not framed for a murder she didn’t commit by A and B!

Wow.

im sorry but they’re a group of 3 close friends, you don’t ask one and leave out the other. That’s awful behaviour. It would be completely different if it was a larger group

if anything the friend should’ve explained to OP, especially as they knew OP would see it on SM

Friend A isn't really much of a friend.

YANBU to be upset. Things like this sting, and it feels like rejection. You’ll be wondering “what have I done wrong?” And you’ll have most likely done nothing wrong. Which is why it’s so hurtful.

Feeling left out, at any age, isn’t nice. Especially since you thought the three of you to be close in equal amounts.

Have friend A and B known each other longer? (Not that it’s an excuse).

I’d keep quiet for now. Do you have any other friends or family that you can confide in to discuss it with?

It would be such a shame for the friendship to end but at the same time please don’t waste your time being friends with people who quite obviously don’t care about you the same way.

But the OP hasn't described herself or any of the women involved? 😳

YANBU OP, your friend's treatment of you is incredibly hurtful.

Obviously she's allowed to choose who she wants but for it to be announced on SM and her not speak to you, is unforgivable imo.

I think Mary is just trying to help OP feel better ❤️‍🩹 🌷

It's the fact the bride to be put it on social media before letting you know.
That is the part that's hurtful.
Step back from the bride

Yes agreed with others, posting it on social media knowing you’d see it is so unkind. Though there’s no “good” time to find out, if they’d kept it a secret it would’ve probably hurt just as much.

This exact same thing happened to me. What was harder in my circumstances was I had already RSVPed to the bride (abroad wedding) and I was sharing a room with the friend she asked to be bridesmaid later down the line. I found it so so painful, and quite honestly a really difficult thing to process. I found out through our other friend too, and not the bride herself. It does make you feel undervalued and not important in the friendship.

I've had this
3 way friendship friend A had Tiny wedding both had parents there and then 2 friends(plus their partners). We were sworn to secrecy and it wasn't my place to tell friend b.
Pictures ended up on sm before friend b could be told and all hell broke loose. I was stuck in middle friend a and b never spoke again after being friends for 20 years I was phased out by friend b over time.
It's rough OP and hopefully you'll get an answer soon.

Can I ask (out of curiosity more than anything)

were you guys not close to the 3rd friend? Why didn’t you agree to tell her before posting it on SM?

Best to lick your wounds in private

They are still your friends. Just not as close as you thought

It hurts, and I've had similar, so understand how awful it feels. But, friendships are precious and would be a pity to write off A totally. But it's ok to recalibrate the friendship in your own head

She was a close friend of bride but not one i or friend b really interacted with regularly.

This is plain nasty.
As a PP has said, if for whatever reason she could only have 1 bridesmaid, she should have chosen neither of you.
For this reason I will not have any bridesmaids. I have a lot of girl friends and do not want to prioritise one over another, too many is naff, and I don't have any sisters. Oh, and my ultimate best friend is the vicar hahaha

But typing nonsense doesn't help anyone, even if it does come from a good place.

Yes, this. It’s not the end of the world, but it’s ok to be a little upset.

I think in reality it’s quite difficult to just let it go. I read in an article somewhere that females feel betrayal more strongly than men, and that really resonated with me. I would look after yourself OP and try to remind yourself of other friends that you have, and like another said recalibrate this relationship in your mind.