Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

[ThisDearPearlBee]

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

Whilst on the surface it seems odd not to have mentioned it at all, I do think these relationships are rarely equal. I'm part of a similar triangle. I think, if pressed, both the other two are individually closer to me than to each other. I'd struggle to choose one over the other.

One is getting maŕied soon. She brought her wedding dress to show me the day she bought it and although not having bridesmaids, she has asked if DH and I'd like to sit on the top table. I holiday alone with the other each year. Day to day we share everything and meet up as a 3, 95% of the time.

So you think the bride is jealous op is so beautiful?

Come along, wear what you like, everything is on us, enjoy yourselves, out of City Hall & the restaurant down Dame Street

or yes Leg it Vins we'll do it another time

It was probably the cowards way of letting OP know so she didn’t have to do it via text or face to face. Not kind.

You didnt have this, you had the exact opposite. Personally I wouldn't have gone to the wedding. Nobody is swearing me to secrecy which involves shitting on a friend.

You also had choices

What awful behaviour in a friendship group. I wouldn’t bring it up and would be distancing myself slowly. It’s an awful position to be in as if you tell them to do one it makes it look like your jealous not hurting. Unfortunately, you’re not as close as you think you are…sorry that’s a really harsh thing to say but just by reading what you’ve put…in such a close friendship group you don’t treat
each other that way, especially if it’s supposed to be equal. I have a friendship trio that I used to think was equal until I started to notice that I never got told anything or I always the very last to know after their husbands (sometimes after my husband) and families then when we would meet up they would discuss stuff in front of me I had no clue about. The other two had known each a few years longer but always made out it was an equal friendship trio.

I started to feel awkward, upset and then angry each time…usually over social media posts or hearing from another friend outside of the trio.

Then I saw a random programme that mentioned the famous quote ‘two’s company three’s a crowd’. it was a lightbulb moment. I started doing my own thing, joined a few clubs to meet other people, went out with work abit more. This made me see the friendship for me wasn’t so close on my side after all.

I still speak to these friends (Our husbands know each other through sports/business) but cut right back from them and now it’s every few months we message, meet up etc. This has done my mental health a world of good. It’s not an easy thing to do and takes time (in my case years) but you really do learn to value yourself more. I just wish I’d learned my worth and what I need as well as give in friendships much sooner.

It’s only natural you’ll want to ask and I would too…it’s very hurtful what’s happened and I’m sorry it’s happened to you as it’s simply not a nice thing to happen at the very least a simple conversation should have happened if she respected your side of the friendship.

So is it unkind or not?

The bride hasn’t used that mantra as she hasn’t even said anything but it is her wedding so she does ask who she wants. Op may feel upset by the brides decision that doesn’t mean the bride has to ask her because she feels left out.

No she’s been even more unkind “for her day, her rules@, not even discussed it.

As long as the bride is happy for 18 hours of one day, it doesn’t matter who she upsets in the way with her behaviour.

But she does have to accept, that the relationship won’t recover.

Her choice of course, because it’s a day of her life that she can break all the rules, no matter what that means.

from the volume of bridesmaid drama threads on here, it sounds as if you've dodged a bullet.

Does your friend have any other bridesmaids? Sister or cousins? It may be that she only wants a specific amount of bridesmaids. In my wedding we only had one bridesmaid and one groomsman because I wanted as little fuss as possible!

I wouldn't say anything OP. I think she values your friendship, she's just a bit closer to the other friend. I have a friendship of 3, yes we are all close, but I have always been closer to one of them. For this reason when I got married I didn't ask either if them to be my bridesmaid, as not to offend the other one. However that is something I now regret. I wish I'd had the guts to have who wanted. None of this means I didn't value my other friend. When they both got married, we were all bridesmaids.

Exact same happened to me about 20 years ago. We're still all good friends, I have no idea why she didn't choose me aS well and I've not lost any sleep over it but I do joke with the bridesmaid sometimes still about the randomness of it!! As it turns out I enjoyed the day much more as I was with my partner and not stuck with bridesmaid duties!

A person who is truly your friend, who genuinely cares about you and your feelings, and values you, would NEVER treat you like this.

Even in her one-day role as Bride.

As pp has said, I would begin to recalibrate the friendship in my mind. But I would have to ask her why.

This 100%

Yep 👍

The way women treat each other is very sad and so different to men. Someone said about threes a crowd and there absolutely could be an element of that. And women will dump friends when they get married.

Id take a step back just now and see what is happening and absolutely don’t commit yourself to any expensive events like hen dos.

No one is saying that. It sounds like it’s fairly new news to OP so there is still time that the bride may talk about it with her but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation beforehand

I agree. Sorry, I Keep mentioning this but please do hold off, OP. I get it's hard. You can always raise it later but it's still so early. Let it play out. It's not the time to demand explanations.

See this is where I disagree - if I did this to one of my friends (which I didn’t, as I decided to have no bridesmaids), I would absolutely pre-warn or communicate it to my friends beforehand. I certainly wouldn’t plaster it all over social media (a, how cringe and b, so inconsiderate).

Well aren't you a charmer?

Course not

It's absolutely fine to treat a close friend as though you can pick them up and drop them anytime

No problem!

She doesn't have to ask her

But it would have been much better if she'd had the manners to speak to her about her decision

So you’re saying the bride has to have OP as a bridesmaid because she will hurt her feelings if she doesn’t and if she doesn’t have her she’s picking her up and dropping her when she wants…. That’s what it sounds like anyway.
Could it be that she only wanted one adult bridesmaid which she is entitled to do and chose the friend that she has known a couple of extra years? Would Op still feel this way if she was chosen as a bridesmaid and the other friend wasn’t?

And she still might speak to her about it