Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

[ThisDearPearlBee]

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

Here's the thing for me. The fact that you don't feel easily able to chat to bride about this, indicates to me that you're not that close.

Thank you for all your comments and I really appreciate it. No im not pregnant nor do I have any children. I think I just overthink everything, I do feel like I can bring it up with her I just feel like I’m at risk of making myself feel worse depending what her response is.. I’m not making sense, it’s just so hard 😔

Exact same thing happened to me once - I'd actually introduced the other two in the first place - it HURT for a long time. The friendship did recover and it's water under the bridge now but it took some time. YANBU

I feel your hurt OP. I have a similar 3 way friendship where we're equally close and been through thick and thin. We're all best friends. Picking one over the other would be hurtful. 2 of us have married, both times we chose just 1 relative as a bridesmaid. I remember being hurt I wasn't bridesmaid but she explained that she didn't want to pick out of the extended friendship group as the whole group are very very close. She chose a relative instead. Then I got married and I did the same. I assume my other friend will have her sister when she gets married. What your friend did is hurtful, especially the fact she didn't tell you. I would be reevaluating that friendship, perhaps for her things have changed and you didn't see the signs but she absolutely should have told you.

This take is really weird.

Of course they are her friends. The bride can do what she wants it’s her wedding. We don’t know the reasons why she’s only picked the other friend, so can only speculate and come up with a bunch of reasons but not the truth.

Why should she ask a family member to be a bridesmaid if she can’t afford more than one. You realise how ridiculous that sounds?

Not going to the wedding because you’re not picked to bridesmaid is childish and immature. Why are you trying to make the wedding about you? What if the bride has other close friends, shall they all do the same and not attend?

The plus-size comment is reality bizarre. Blaming the bride for being jealous is a reach 😂

Or maybe they aren’t as close as she thought. Not everything is down to jealousy

By a family member I meant instead of the friend, not as well as. 🙄

This is really hurtful behaviour from the bride. She must have known that OP would be hurt which is why she hasn’t had to guts to tell her.

I would take a step back form the friendship. If there was a good reason , a kind bride would already have spoken to OP about it.
You are right , it’s the hurtful communication that would damage a friendship.

Personally I would leave it a little while before seeing the bride and wait for her to reach out.

Some of these comments are ridiculous. Why can’t op do what she what’s it’s her wedding. They might not be as close as she thought. I suspect a lot of these comments come from people who weren’t picked as a bridesmaid and are still bitter

What makes things more hurtful, is that a couple of weeks ago she told me that the two of us were her closest friends and she could tell us anything, and might I add, cried when she did so

cont as posted too early

The OP has said it’s just the three of them that are friends, it would be totally different if it was a large group of close pals.

the plus size take is just one reason, other people have thought of other reasons but obvs OP has shut down those.

RE not going to wedding, I personally would find it incredibly awkward if the friendship group was a 3 and only one had been asked (so that two were involved but one was left out)

if you wouldn’t care, fine, but don’t minimise OP’s feelings

Is the bridesmaid friend single? Traditionally they were.

Are you possibly trying to start a family. Perhaps she doesn't want a situation where a bridesmaid is pregnant?

How did you all meet? Have they known each other longer? Do they see each other separately on their own sometimes and not with you?

Do you all live close together or will it be that they have been friends since age 5 and live on the same street and you became their friend through work 2 years ago?

There really isn't enough info to decide whether the bride is reasonable or not or whether OP is in her expectations.

The fact bride kept it quiet from OP then posted it all over social media speaks volumes about them as a person. If money or “I just want one” was the reason, she would’ve spoke to OP if they are such good friends.

Well I’m not a mind reader I don’t know how to read your mistake. Why should the bride ask a family member to be her only bridesmaid then? What are the reasons?

It wasn’t a mistake, it was obvious what I meant.

family would be a good compromise because it means you don’t hurt one of your (two) close friends. Means nobody is left out.

Oh that’s so sad. I can totally understand why you’re upset.

I’m not even sure how you should handle it. I think I’d wait for her to message you and see if she mentions it. It’s really shit, but perhaps she views you as less close than the other friend.

I think I would attend the wedding and then keep her at arms length. Such a shit situation.

That is really hurtful @ThisDearPearlBee

I would definitely have to say something as it would eat me up otherwise.

Hi friend x,
I just wanted to reach out to check if things are ok between us? I saw that friend y is being your bridesmaid. Whilst I am sure you have your reasons and you are obviously completely entitled to choose whoever you want, I can't lie, I was a little surprised given how close the 3 of us are that you didn't give me a little heads up before I saw it on insta. I did feel a bit hurt, and I'm really sorry you didnt feel you could let me know. I just wanted to be honest with you now and not let this fester because I really value our friendship and didn't want any ill feelings to take away from the excitement of the wedding.

Yes, op said the three of them are friends, doesn’t mean the bride doesn’t have any other close friends that are not in this group. We still don’t know if she has picked others to be bridesmaids at this point. Pretty normal to think the bride might have more than two close friends surely?

The plus-size reason is weird. Would you suggest the opposite, suggest the bride didn’t pick her because she is skinny? No comments were made in the brides appearance or weight so not relevant.

Not minimising ops feelings at all, I’m replying to your ridiculous and overreactive post.

I mean, she may even ask you yet although I don't know why she hasn't done so.

But I would urge you not to mention it (sorry, my previous post was a bit unclear on this).

Honestly. It's her wedding and whatever the reasons are you can't jump in and ask why you haven't been picked as a bridesmaid. Please keep your counsel. At least give her a chance to speak to you herself.

Just phone her or arrange to meet up and ask her. Aren’t you all adults? My friends are my friends because we can talk to each other and be honest, even about the difficult stuff. If one of us is out of line, we’ll say so. But a strong friendship can overcome that. You’ll find out one way or the other how close you really are. Either she has a good reason but went about it completely the wrong way and will apologise, or she’ll be a cow and you won’t want her as a friend anymore anyway. At least you’ll know where you stand instead of all this agonising “what should I do, how should I feel….”

they possibly have other friends (ask op) but the point is they only hang out as a 3, it’s rubbish to hang out in a 3 and only pick one. If bride has another, larger group of friends that are other people (ie a group of four or more), then fair enough picking one of them.

do you think the fact bride (or other bridesmaid) kept it quiet from OP speaks volumes?

a few people were trying to think of rational and irrational explanations. Pregnancy, having kids, plus size, being objectively prettier have all been suggested by other posters

If they are trying on dresses this is generally done as a group to ensure everyone looks right together (if the dresses are diff) or the dresses fit (if they’re all the same dress) and it’s very unlikely OP will later be asked. My only thought on this is if bride asked OP already and the message got lost.

Exactly this. Op doesn’t state if the bride has other close friends, ones from a different group. You can’t expect to be included in everything or she would end up having like 50 bridesmaids

I don't think you should say anything. It hurts but they are both still your friends and that's something you value. One day the wedding will be a distant memory and none of this will matter (I hope not, anyway). You have to accept friends as they are if you value them and want to keep them.

I have two friends that are my closest friends, we've been friends since about the age of 16. But one is definitely my best friend and I assume the other realises that - she has never said anything. She knows the two of us meet up more often but we do live closer to each other.

I was bridesmaid to my best friend but the other bridesmaid at her wedding was a different friend (not my second closest friend). And when I got married, I confined my bridesmaids to family members and my bestie just did a reading.

Everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for them and I think you need to develop a bit of a thicker skin so these things don't affect you so much.

Yes, exactly this, it shows that they aren’t close, so why should she ask her to be a bridesmaid? it’s Op saying they are good friends. The bride obviously doesn’t feel this way so why would she feel the need to discuss her wedding plans with her.