Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

[ThisDearPearlBee]

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

Personally I would be rejoicing at not being asked to be a bridesmaid! But if you are hurt and upset, ask her. However, be prepared for the possibility of further upset.

It's hurtful OP, but I don't think any good will come of asking the bride about it.
I'm in a similar situation, I'm close with a friend I've known for over 20 years, I'm godmother to two of her children, all our kids are like cousins to each other, we've hung out as families, and supported each other through so much including her (very amicable) divorce. She's getting married again and I'm just an ordinary guest without even my husband (who she knows really well) being invited! I'm really shocked and upset but what can I do? She just doesn't value me any more.
All you can do is downgrade the friendship on your side. That's what I've done and ironically since I've been less available and texting less, she's reaching out more, but it's all too late for me, I can't see her in the same way. I don't share with her any more because I'm not important enough to be involved in her wedding party in some way.

Regardless of how long you have all known each other, it’s still wrong of this friend to only ask one of you and not explain why. It’s cowardly, actually.

You may be worrying that by saying something, you’ll damage the friendship between you all, but in actuality, this bride-to-be has already done this, from the actions that she has taken and her silence over her decision, because you’re now left upset and confused about the relationship.

Based on that, I would talk to her (one on one) and say something along the lines of “I’ve been thinking about whether or not to ask this, because I love our friendship and don’t want to damage it, but I’m feeling a little hurt that you didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid and wondered if you’d be okay to tell me why?”

Don’t over explain and keep it short. Let her do the talking from there. If you say it gently and calmly, she will hopefully respond in kind. If she doesn’t and the conversation goes badly, it will speak volumes about her personality and the state of the friendship you really had.

Have you seen her in person? Maybe shes waiting to ask you in person?

Omg. I’m not talking about a large friendship group. I’m talking about the bride having other friends that op does not know. Why is that so difficult to understand. The bride has a friendship with op and their mutual friend. She could also have other close friends that does not belong in this friendship group. Who won’t know each other or hang out.

Why don't you frame it as "I totally respect your choice and no doubt you're in wedding mode, trying to get everything arranged but can I just check whether I have upset you somehow? I thought we were all equally close so when I found out through social media I couldn't help but wonder if I've offended you in some way?".

If you say it gently, hopefully she will understand the impact of what she's done and either tell you if you have, or profusely apologise.

So what do you disagree with exactly, that the bride is selfish? For wanting to do what she wants on her own day?

ok can I word it differently

im happy to have a difference in opinion from you

I remember reading a study about when women get married they drop a certain number of friends and when men get married they drop a lesser number of friends.

You are no longer friends with this person.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you.

I’ve already replied to this further up. I think you may have skipped past it.

You need to make your own thread lol

So what if the bride has say five friendship groups, they don’t know each other, each group has 3 people in. So say 15 people. She can’t choose any of these 15 people because she’ll be leaving someone out? Give over.

Whts wrong with asking? They are super close and op is upset. What's wrong with asking , she may get the answers she wants at best or find out their true feelings at worse..don't encourage ppl not to speak about their issues. Op doesn't need to go in shouting and screaming but she's been friends with them long enough to deserve some answers on this. How many falls out I know of where if only the ppl had spoken about it instead of assuming... better to know then not.

So they knew each other before? Would have had a friendship that didn’t involve you. You can’t really say you all became close at the same time as this is your perspective. You don’t know what their friendship was like before you came along.

No, other two were friends before

Well you said agree to disagree, now changing your opinion. Okay 🤣

I’d say absolutely nothing because nothing you say is going to make the situation not hurt you. It’s happened now. I would quietly distance myself from her and focus on friendships outside the 3 of you. I’ve been in many groups of 3 and they never work well. I much prefer to see just one friend or a group at a time. 3 is an odd number is a saying for a reason! I’m sorry as this does sound hurtful. Try and nurture other friendships.

I do think them knowing each other longer is the reason she didn’t ask you!

You have now seen thw friendship for what ir is. Close friends obviously mean different things to different people. It won’t be the same again but you can salvage something if you wanr to

I will repost incase you didn’t understand the other one.

bride may have two (or more) separate groups of mates as you say

Bride having a group of friends OP doesn’t know = if said group of other friends is large then it obviously isn’t anything like leaving one out in a group of three

Bride having the group of 3 mates OP is in = it looks awful leaving one person out due to the fact its a very small group

I hope that makes sense, and as I say I’m happy to agree to disagree

I am happy to
agree to disagree
accept we have a difference in opinion

here is the dictionary definition of both for you for a bit of light reading

Agreeing to disagree means coming to an understanding with someone you disagree with. When you agree to disagree, you accept that neither of you is going to change the other's mind. That's when you stop arguing and move on!

If there is a difference of opinion between two or more people or groups, they disagree about something and one of them accepts they won’t have the same opinioj

have a good night and stop trolling- I can see by your post history you do it on other MN posts

The not telling you is just mean, there’s no reason for it and I don’t believe she wouldn’t know it would be either upsetting or make you question a friendship.
All she needed to say was, I only want one bridesmaid so I had to make a difficult choice, I hope it doesn’t affect our friendship…done.

I also had someone I was extremely close to for years. Saw her every weekend, had constant contact daily. She got engaged and became distant, only after the hen do did I find out I (and other friends) we only got a night invite. She had also asked someone she hadn’t seen for years and years to be her bridesmaid. I didn’t mind about the BM bit, but I think she’s like a lot of women who cut people off when they get married. She complained to someone recently that I never get in touch with her..but we’ve not been friends since the wedding 10 years ago.

I had a vaguely similar thing happen to me many years ago. A good friend asked her sister and 2 other friends to be bridesmaids. I did live a distance away so i put it down mainly to that. I was a little hurt but decided our friendship was more important.

On the day of her wedding the 2 friends she had picked as bridesmaids were too busy being giggly to help her out of the car, so I helped her. She said to me in passing you're a better bridesmaid that those 2!! 😅

Many many years later when she was dying she said to me, you should have been my bridesmaid. I never asked, commented or expressed any kind of thought or feeling about it with her in all those years, even when she was dying. To me she was still my friend and I just assumed she must have had good reason at the time.

When she died she had a phonecall from one of the bridesmaids and no contact from the other ( they had long since lost contact) Her sister , another friend from back in the day, and I were the only 'old' friends around as well as her family and 'new' friends.

I understand the feeling of rejection it's up to you if you feel it is something that you can't get over. Shame to break up a friendship though good friends are hard to find.

I definitely think this has told you a lot about the friendship. Really importantly though, it's also told you a lot about her. What she's done is cruel, it's too obvious to be thoughtless, it's seriously unkind. I would be really hurt and confused in your position, and I don't think you have to play pretend that it's ok. You don't have to raise it if you don't want to, but move forward in the friendship with the knowledge that this is what she's capable of and how she values you.

Why can’t someone have a friend as bridesmaid just incase they upset another friend? It’s the brides wedding she can ask who she wants