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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

235 replies

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:02

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

OP posts:
ShowMeTheSushi · 20/05/2025 19:54

It makes perfect sense that you’re hurt especially when someone you’re that close to makes a big decision and doesn’t even acknowledge how it might feel for you, it’s hard not to take it personally. While it is her choice, the silence speaks volumes. If it’s been playing on your mind, it might help to share how you’re feeling, just to get it off your chest and hopefully clear the air.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:54

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 19:53

Yes, exactly this, it shows that they aren’t close, so why should she ask her to be a bridesmaid? it’s Op saying they are good friends. The bride obviously doesn’t feel this way so why would she feel the need to discuss her wedding plans with her.

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If OP doesn’t want to say anything, that’s fine.

but I think they are valid to feel upset and to say something if they want, as they were under the impression this lady was her close friend and the rug has been pulled out from underneath her.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:56

I think @Youstolemygoddamnhouse has done this to someone in the past and is feeling victimised 🤣🤣

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 19:57

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:37

It wasn’t a mistake, it was obvious what I meant.

family would be a good compromise because it means you don’t hurt one of your (two) close friends. Means nobody is left out.

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It wasn’t obvious though.

So say, what if the Op has more than two close friends. The two in this friendship and other close friends in other friendship groups. Shall all them expect to be bridesmaids too. Not everyone is going to be included. Be a grown up and deal with it.

Cherrysoup · 20/05/2025 19:58

I’d really want to know the reasoning. She must have been aware hohurt the OP would be, it’s very pointed. Would the mutual friend open up?

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:58

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 19:57

It wasn’t obvious though.

So say, what if the Op has more than two close friends. The two in this friendship and other close friends in other friendship groups. Shall all them expect to be bridesmaids too. Not everyone is going to be included. Be a grown up and deal with it.

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It’s completely different if it’s a large friendship group.

a group of 3 leaving out one person is obviously going to feel worse than a group of 10 leaving out 8 people

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 20:00

Cherrysoup · 20/05/2025 19:58

I’d really want to know the reasoning. She must have been aware hohurt the OP would be, it’s very pointed. Would the mutual friend open up?

I think this too. It seems bizarre to not even tell her

AntiHop · 20/05/2025 20:02

Did the three of you meet at the same time?

Original poster
ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 20:03

The other two had met a couple of years prior, but I’d say we all became close around the same time. It’s difficult as I feel anxious about giving away too much information on a public platform. There are obviously reasons but I feel taken aback and upset by it all

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 20/05/2025 20:06

Onelifeonly · 20/05/2025 19:52

I don't think you should say anything. It hurts but they are both still your friends and that's something you value. One day the wedding will be a distant memory and none of this will matter (I hope not, anyway). You have to accept friends as they are if you value them and want to keep them.

I have two friends that are my closest friends, we've been friends since about the age of 16. But one is definitely my best friend and I assume the other realises that - she has never said anything. She knows the two of us meet up more often but we do live closer to each other.

I was bridesmaid to my best friend but the other bridesmaid at her wedding was a different friend (not my second closest friend). And when I got married, I confined my bridesmaids to family members and my bestie just did a reading.

Everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for them and I think you need to develop a bit of a thicker skin so these things don't affect you so much.

However I do think it unkind she hasn't told you herself. She's either got a reason for her choice that she fears you knowing or is too afraid to confront you, knowing you'd be upset. None of this sounds very mature. But I am old....

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 20:06

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:45

they possibly have other friends (ask op) but the point is they only hang out as a 3, it’s rubbish to hang out in a 3 and only pick one. If bride has another, larger group of friends that are other people (ie a group of four or more), then fair enough picking one of them.

do you think the fact bride (or other bridesmaid) kept it quiet from OP speaks volumes?

a few people were trying to think of rational and irrational explanations. Pregnancy, having kids, plus size, being objectively prettier have all been suggested by other posters

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I’m not talking about them as a group having other friends. I’m talking about the bride having other close friends that are not in the same friendship as OP. She may want to ask these other close friends to be a bridesmaid. I have many friendship groups, some that don’t know each other and aren’t friends with each other. They are still my close friends.

I don’t know the history or the brides personal feelings towards the OP. But if op is saying they are such close friends the bride doesn’t obviously feel the same way. So why would the bride really care that much about op feeling hurt? Why did op assume she was going to be a bridesmaid in the first place? Surely they would have been talks about this?

it comes down to the bride and who she wants as bridesmaid. Asking if op is plus-size or pregnant or suggesting the bride is jealous, is ridiculous. Her choice she doesn’t have to give a reason.

Lalalol · 20/05/2025 20:07

I had the exact same thing happen 25 years ago. Was all very odd and upsetting but I’ve never discussed it with the bride or the bridesmaid. We’re still all as close in theory but I’ve never really got over the niggle of why I was left out. Think if I was in the position again like you I’d force myself to ask

Wynter25 · 20/05/2025 20:07

YANBU X

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 20:08

Okay, well, my point is, if one of their friendship groups is such a small one (3) you don’t pick one from that group. Regardless of if you’ve got other bigger groups.

Obviously the bride doesn’t care about her feelings, there’s no denying that.

yes it’s her choice, however I can see (and I’m sure you can) why OP is so upset.

babystarsandmoon · 20/05/2025 20:09

Perhaps they are alot closer outside of your group chat and meet ups but I don’t think it’s good to dwell on it.

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 20:09

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:54

If OP doesn’t want to say anything, that’s fine.

but I think they are valid to feel upset and to say something if they want, as they were under the impression this lady was her close friend and the rug has been pulled out from underneath her.

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I never said that Op can’t feel upset. I totally get it, I suggest op speak to her friend. But all these comments saying the bride is selfish and jealous are uncalled for.

CornforthWhite · 20/05/2025 20:10

The bride knows she’s hurt your feelings as the other bridesmaid knows you’re upset. If they are that close they are talking about it.
I would be too hurt to bring it up and I’d be keeping my distance for a while. They can do the running for the next meet up etc. I might even have to be busy for that first coffee/ walk /whatever you tend to do together. I know people might call that petty, but they’ve been mean. The bride knows this will have stung.
I am sure eventually all will be well between you, but for me, between now and the wedding, I’d be taking a big step back and nurturing friendships elsewhere, just in case this is the slippery slope to the end of such a close group of three.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 20:10

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 20:09

I never said that Op can’t feel upset. I totally get it, I suggest op speak to her friend. But all these comments saying the bride is selfish and jealous are uncalled for.

Edited
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Alright well I’m happy to agree to disagree

Bourbonbonbon · 20/05/2025 20:12

That was really poorly played on her part and you have every right to be hurt. You can't fix it, unfortunately. I would let time pass and see what happens. I wouldn't talk about it to anyone as you just can't start having preferences that are different to the bride and that's how it will sound to her if she heard about it.

SheridansPortSalut · 20/05/2025 20:13

Count your blessings. Honestly, you don't want to be a bridesmaid. Like a lot of wedding related stuff, it's an over hyped total pain in the arse.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 20:13

I don’t understand how people could just let it slide and sit awkwardly at the wedding as the left out friend then sit on it for years and years wondering why they weren’t asked. 🤦‍♀️

CornforthWhite · 20/05/2025 20:14

I said this could be the slippery slope to the end of such a close friendship as a three. It’s probably always been true and you haven’t noticed. They will be doing loads together to plan the wedding and dresses and hen. You’re not going to be invited to any of that - it would be weird if you are (and not be a bridesmaid) so it’s going to ramp up between them with you left behind. You can be friends with them but you absolutely need to be looking elsewhere for other good friendships you can focus on.

TheLilacHare · 20/05/2025 20:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 20:15

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:56

I think @Youstolemygoddamnhouse has done this to someone in the past and is feeling victimised 🤣🤣

Why would I feel victimised because I’ve simply give a different opinion? People are allowed to have a different opinion that doesn’t agree with yours, are we not? If I had done this, which I haven’t, I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty. It’s my wedding and can choose who I want to be a bridesmaid or not. My friends are perfectly able to regulate their emotions like a normal adult, instead of saying that they wouldnt attend the wedding or calling me jealous.

PorridgeEater · 20/05/2025 20:16

Why can't she have two bridesmaids?