Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

[ThisDearPearlBee]

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

They can do what they want, however leaving out one person in such a tiny group is hurtful, let alone posting it on SM without informing OP first- she knew OP would see it and be hurt

Hmm not nice.

she is either A) a mean girl and wanting to hurt you and create drama etc wants friends b to herself

B) Genuinely not aware there’s a different perception re closeness because she has always seen friend B as her closest friend and still does and would think you would know that she would just pick her. She may have another special role for you.

Either way I would grin and bear it for now, asking her etc will be seen as creating drama- which may be what she wants or may be a genuine over sight on her part.

I would have a chat with friend b to see what her perception of the friendship is though.

Id also be looking for some new friends- she can still be a good friend if it’s the later situation but expanding your circle won’t hurt. See how things pan out for a while.

@ThisDearPearlBee- piggybacking off of this, how many years have you been friends since you met the two of them?

I didn’t say large I said each group had three people. What do you do then?

in my opinion, you ask family.

A similar thing happened to me. It was the end of the friendship. Obviously there was a bit more to it than just being left out of the bridal party, but like you I just felt I had so badly misjudged the friendship there was no way back.

I would say something.

If you don't say anything I doubt the friendship could be anything like the same, at least by talking to her you give her a chance of explaining and seeing what's left of the friendship after that.

But tell me first if each friendship group has three people, who did you suggest the bride pick on her own wedding day? You ignored that didn’t you 😆

posted too soon

Or you ask another friend outwith the group, or you don’t ask anyone at all.

failing that , you at least tell said friend out the group what’s happening to be polite and don’t post is on SM without her knowing first.

Regardless of the difference of opinions on here, I think we all hope you feel better soon OP. 🩷

Put which family members? Because from what you said if you can’t kick two bridesmaid you pick a family member? What if you have more than one cousin, or sister or aunty? Do I pick only one? Or all them? Surely this is just the same thing though? Worse probably it being family.

In your situation, I would be booking a holiday and avoid going to her wedding.

She cried because she knew this was coming and was feeling guilty! She's perfectly entitled to choose whomever she wants to be bridesmaid but don't kid yourself her teary BFF speech was actually genuine. If she honestly cared about you, she'd have explained her reasoning before making it public.

It may upset someone but again it’s the brides choice

She’s made her unexpected choice, unfortunately it’s caused you upset. You either say nowt Or disclose your true feelings . Both carry a degree of risk
say nowt. you feel unheard and resentment will build
disclose, she gets defensive. You fall out

I think this is a v individual thing in terms of how you feel. Many years ago a friend did something similar - had a v v small wedding and invited one friend and not me. It felt very personal - no explanation just “We got married on X” - our friendship never recovered. I suppose to me it felt as if somehow I’d overestimated this 15 year friendship- we had all been inseparable and I was so hurt.
I never figured out why this happened but decided it didn’t matter and that if the friendship wasn’t worth it to her then it wasn’t to me. I moved on and had no regrets. I saw her husband a few years back - he behaved as if nothing had ever happened which was even more strange. Find better friends. They don’t seem like friends tbh OP.

This exact scenario happened to me. And as you say it was the lack of communication & feeling shut out which was the deeply painful part, not the ‘getting to be bridesmaid’ part itself. I ended up speaking to the friend once she was back from honeymoon and had had a couple of months in the newlywed bliss. It was a friendship I saw going well into our middle age and beyond (we’re 20s now and had known each other since childhood) and I just felt we had to speak about it otherwise it would be the end of the friendship for me. She took everything I said so well, I just explained how painful being shut out had felt and wanted to understand if it was something I’d done etc. I’d made it into a big thing in my head that she actually found me really annoying, didn’t want to be friends and this was her way of letting me know etc and I really spiralled. Turned out none of that was true.

She was really regretful and sorry, and turns out there were a lot of factors that had caused her to make the choices she had. Her MH had been so bad all year (which I hadn’t known because of the distancing, and was partly the reason for the distancing, and all along her socials had looked like she was doing so well). She’d found the whole wedding planning really hard and had a seriously tough year (compared to how socials appeared). In the end we had such a healing conversation about it all and it’s really made our friendship stronger, as I’ve been able to forgive and move on.

So I would suggest you speak up and tell her how you’ve felt. But - it depends if you think she’s a mature enough person to have a confronting conversation with the aim of keeping a friendship alive. If you think she is then I’d ask to speak with her. Friendship hurts are often the hardest thing to navigate and the temptation is to hide away from them, but good friendships are worth trying to save while advocating for yourself and your feelings.

You don’t have to allow someone to treat you like this if they’re supposed to be such a dear friend, and you can give the opportunity to extend grace to her and to be a better friend. It’s challenging and it’s not what people are used to, but it can be amazing but it does all rely on her having a character that can deal with being called out on hurting someone else.

This sounds really strange. You told her how she hurt your feelings and she made it all about her.

It may be more about who had the right smile for the job. Perhaps she sees you as too beautiful and doesn't want you to outshine her, or too loud or scatty to be responsible? So many reasons. She may love you equally but not think you are right for this role. X

She can waltz up the aisle in a crotchless bustle and feather boa. Doesn't mean others there may not have feelings about it. She can miss out one apparently equal friends out of two. Entirely her choice. However, we don't act in an emotional vacuum. It's pretty likely that's going to have an impact on the friend.

These strange solipsistic answers always pop up .

Op, just wondered as I think you said you are married, traditionally bridesmaids are the unmarried friends or family of the bride. Is your friend quite traditional? Is the other friend unmarried? Maybe it's that?

Very odd indeed if no hint of bullying by exclusion prior to this. Am inclined to agree with an early poster that you are in danger of upstaging the bride!

Why was she crying? Is she usually that dramatic? This paints her as quite an odd person…she probably has some weird reason for not picking you. I doubt you have done anything wrong.

YNBU,I’m sorry that this has happened, my only thought is perhaps she’s waiting to see you to ask you too.. but if you’ve seen her already then I have no clue as to why someone would do that. I understand why you’re hurt and would feel the same. I’m in a friendship group of 4 and 1 friend asked the other 2 to be godmum to her 2 DC earlier this year. Similar to how you have said you’re feeling, I was hurt and felt confused by the choice as to leave 1’out but it’s never been discussed.. ironically this friend often tells me how I’m the closest person to her etc much like your friend.. I’ve given up trying to work out why people make some choices that they do and just focusing more on mine.

That's not how she feels, though. She clearly wants to be a bridesmaid...