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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

235 replies

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:02

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

OP posts:
amybabysa · 20/05/2025 18:42

Figgygal · 20/05/2025 18:37

She was a close friend of bride but not one i or friend b really interacted with regularly.

Show quote history

Oh I see. I don’t blame you. OP’s post says all three are close: 😭

Original poster
ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:42

Thank you so much everyone for your comments so far, I am really taking them on board and for the one who posted about my weight… no I am not a plus sized person, not that it would matter if I was.

I feel a bit torn where to go from now… would you say anything? My OH says to me I either need to say nothing and act as normal, or tell her how I feel because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing my toys out the pram for not being a bridesmaid, when really I’m more upset about the lack of communication? Xx

OP posts:
amybabysa · 20/05/2025 18:42

Readytohealnow · 20/05/2025 18:38

This is plain nasty.
As a PP has said, if for whatever reason she could only have 1 bridesmaid, she should have chosen neither of you.
For this reason I will not have any bridesmaids. I have a lot of girl friends and do not want to prioritise one over another, too many is naff, and I don't have any sisters. Oh, and my ultimate best friend is the vicar hahaha

Yes, neither is another option if bride did not have cousins siblings nieces.

MintChocCat · 20/05/2025 18:48

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:42

Thank you so much everyone for your comments so far, I am really taking them on board and for the one who posted about my weight… no I am not a plus sized person, not that it would matter if I was.

I feel a bit torn where to go from now… would you say anything? My OH says to me I either need to say nothing and act as normal, or tell her how I feel because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing my toys out the pram for not being a bridesmaid, when really I’m more upset about the lack of communication? Xx

I think you should bring it up with her and explain to her how it’s made you feel; emphasising exactly that, that it’s more about the lack of communication too. It might help to clear things up for you. I think holding it in will just lead to resentment tbh and might be more damaging to the friendship long term x

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 18:50

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:42

Thank you so much everyone for your comments so far, I am really taking them on board and for the one who posted about my weight… no I am not a plus sized person, not that it would matter if I was.

I feel a bit torn where to go from now… would you say anything? My OH says to me I either need to say nothing and act as normal, or tell her how I feel because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing my toys out the pram for not being a bridesmaid, when really I’m more upset about the lack of communication? Xx

It defo wouldn’t matter (I am) and makes no excuse for her behaviour, I was just trying to think of (unfair) reasons she may have thought of.

i don’t think I could stop myself saying something to her. I hope you feel better soon. She’s awful.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 20/05/2025 18:50

I have a group of five uni friends. 2 had everyone as bridesmaids. 2 picked 1 of the group to be a bridesmaid. 1 had no bridesmaids (and the friends wore matching dresses).

We are all still friends but it was a bit of a weird one, and none of us have ever really talked about it. Life has moved on and we are not all so close now as happens… I’m glad the wedding years are behind us tbh!

Sorry you’re feeling hurt OP. I think I’d just draw a line under it and move on. I couldn’t bear to ask but it would affect the friendship for me (and asking wouldn’t really change that, it’s not going to be a nice reason why you were excluded is it?).

RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 18:51

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:42

Thank you so much everyone for your comments so far, I am really taking them on board and for the one who posted about my weight… no I am not a plus sized person, not that it would matter if I was.

I feel a bit torn where to go from now… would you say anything? My OH says to me I either need to say nothing and act as normal, or tell her how I feel because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing my toys out the pram for not being a bridesmaid, when really I’m more upset about the lack of communication? Xx

Why wouldn’t you say ‘I was hurt to have to find out who your bridesmaid was online’?

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 18:51

ISpyNoPlumPie · 20/05/2025 18:50

I have a group of five uni friends. 2 had everyone as bridesmaids. 2 picked 1 of the group to be a bridesmaid. 1 had no bridesmaids (and the friends wore matching dresses).

We are all still friends but it was a bit of a weird one, and none of us have ever really talked about it. Life has moved on and we are not all so close now as happens… I’m glad the wedding years are behind us tbh!

Sorry you’re feeling hurt OP. I think I’d just draw a line under it and move on. I couldn’t bear to ask but it would affect the friendship for me (and asking wouldn’t really change that, it’s not going to be a nice reason why you were excluded is it?).

I think this is quite different to OP’s problem. It would be the same if a friend picked four of you and left one out

Original poster
ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:52

The worst thing about it is this wasn’t a surface level friendship, this was/is a cry together, tell each other everything type of friendship so it just feels like it cuts so much deeper

OP posts:
scoopoftheday · 20/05/2025 18:56

@ThisDearPearlBee

Maybe she's waiting to see you and ask you face to face?

Though if that were the case then it shouldn't have been posted on sm until you were asked too.

Beautifulweeds · 20/05/2025 18:56

Sorry, that's plain awful and I couldn't do this to my BFs. Xxx

NeedToChangeName · 20/05/2025 18:57

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:42

Thank you so much everyone for your comments so far, I am really taking them on board and for the one who posted about my weight… no I am not a plus sized person, not that it would matter if I was.

I feel a bit torn where to go from now… would you say anything? My OH says to me I either need to say nothing and act as normal, or tell her how I feel because otherwise it will look like I’m throwing my toys out the pram for not being a bridesmaid, when really I’m more upset about the lack of communication? Xx

I would sit on it. Don't rush to decide whether to talk to her. If you wait, you can raise it later if you wish. If you blurt it out now, then you may regret it later

In my case, I chose not to discuss it with my friend. The only possible explanation was that she didn't think of me as such a very close friend as I thought of her. And I really didn't want to hear her say that ! I pretended not to mind, never raised it with her. We're still friends. I just don't feel as close now I know that I'm not an A list friend. No idea if she still thinks about it or if it was a non issue for her

MoreChocPls · 20/05/2025 18:59

I wouldn’t react just yet until you see her but yanhu for being so hurt. Please don’t doubt yourself or ask if you are wrong or did something wrong.

babystarsandmoon · 20/05/2025 19:08

We often see posts from people left out of weddings on MN so I suspect there will be a reason but not necessarily a bad one.

Prepare for them to distance away from being a group of three once the wedding planning kicks in.

Aihospit · 20/05/2025 19:10

Can I ask about the Hen Do?
Could it be, clutching at straws, your friend has been tasked with organising it? Therefore been rewarded with having to wear a cheap, bias cut dress in an unflattering shade.

Get over to Style & Beauty for a knockout outfit. Have a blast as a guest.

Catandsquirrel · 20/05/2025 19:12

Feels like this is going down the route of 'ask her what's what'. Please don't. Not now, maybe later on in person if the moment feels right but at least let her approach you first in some capacity and see what the lie of the land is.

I wondered whether you're pregnant or have a small baby? She may have decided to ask you as a guest thinking it easiest for you. Happened to a friend but it wasn't communicated (muggins here was the go between later) .

OneFineDay13 · 20/05/2025 19:12

Worryabouteverything · 20/05/2025 18:28

It's the fact the bride to be put it on social media before letting you know.
That is the part that's hurtful.
Step back from the bride

I agree. I would feel the same as you OP

AliBaliBee1234 · 20/05/2025 19:13

This happened to me!
It hurt. I smiled through it ...

Then the other two fell out.

But it hurts and YANBU.

Kateb12 · 20/05/2025 19:17

Don't take some of the advice here and ask about it, you will just make things awkward. She didn't want you as bridesmaid, end of. As long as she invites you to the wedding and hen then there's no issue, but even then, it's her choice.

Communitywebbing · 20/05/2025 19:17

Could you introduce the subject by asking how the wedding plans are going, how many bridesmaids, how did she decide who to ask, etc? There will be some reason for her choice and perhaps she’ll tell you.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:17

Kateb12 · 20/05/2025 19:17

Don't take some of the advice here and ask about it, you will just make things awkward. She didn't want you as bridesmaid, end of. As long as she invites you to the wedding and hen then there's no issue, but even then, it's her choice.

Won’t things be awkward at the wedding anyway?

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 19:20

How did the friendship began? Were the other friends before you? Do they have a history? Okay to be upset. But this is her wedding, you can accept to dictate what she does. Why don’t you speak to her?

Copiousamountsofpulses · 20/05/2025 19:20

I had a similar situation to this but it was in regards to choosing a godparent. I spoke to friend about how upset I was and it helped to speak to her, she didn't realise how much it would upset and we are all still great friends. Please just speak to her, if she's as good a friend as you think you will be able to have an adult conversation about it.

Kateb12 · 20/05/2025 19:21

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 19:17

Won’t things be awkward at the wedding anyway?

Show quote history

Why would it be awkward? The weddings about her friend getting married... not who the bridesmaid is.

arcticpandas · 20/05/2025 19:22

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:52

The worst thing about it is this wasn’t a surface level friendship, this was/is a cry together, tell each other everything type of friendship so it just feels like it cuts so much deeper

Either she doesn't feel you're close friends or she doesn't want you standing next to her on her wedding day (it's ridiculous but if you're beautiful and she's insecure this could be a reason).