Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Just to add…

The thread I linked is 7 years old, the people posting were a lot more reasonable and honest about how disruptive children can be then on this thread. It makes you wonder if people are getting more entitled when it comes to their precious DC?

I think there are just more childfree weddings. I didn't even know it was a thing when we declined to go to one we couldn't take our nursing babe too, and that was a lot more than 7 years ago.

can i suggest asking the venue for a separate room (well away from ceremony) and hiring some baby sitters to run activities - people with kids can drop off and check in if need be

Oh FFS - OP is the bride!! So yes, her feelings trump those of the guests, by some distance.

And I don’t think anyone has said OP’s aunt and grandparents aren’t “allowed” to be upset. But you can be upset about something without deciding to throw a tantrum because you didn’t get your own way.

The aunt/grandparents probably believe that weddings are family occasions with all the generations present. The OP doesn't seem to understand this and taken the time to explain why they came to the decision not to have children there. So they have interpreted this as the OP not liking the dc or not being as close to them as they thought and are hurt by it.

The usual advice on MN when you believe that you are not as close/liked as much as you thought is to go LC/NC with that person. Which is what DA and DGP have done.

Weddings and funerals can create so many issues that rumble on for years.

OP in deciding that it's her wedding, her way without explanation now has to own the fallout that comes with it. It was probably wise on her part not to explain the original reason for a CF wedding, as guests may have kicked off at the wedding with the parents of the feral children or everyone would have spent the wedding speculating who the parents were whose kids were so feral they got everyone else's kids banned.

It’s hilarious on threads like this that people think child free weddings are new things and linked to the B & G wanting an Instagram wedding

They have been around for decades, we had a few in our family in the 80s. No fall outs, no drama and no issues with babysitters even though all the adults were at the wedding as they just asked someone from the other side of the family to have the kids or hired someone (without asking for a comprehensive check from MI5 first)

What has changed is the lack of parenting bad behaviour and some parents thinking it’s ok for little Johnny to run around and disrupt the vows because that’s just him and we can’t stop him. As pp said it’s a gamble as for every Johnny there will be a well behaved kid.

But the B&G shouldn’t have to take that risk when they are speaking the most important words of their relationship.

And in this particular case the OP knows that some kids that would have to be invited if it was not child free would be feral, so it’s those parents not parenting that are to blame not the OP and her fiancé

All those ‘your wedding, your choice’ people, do you not care about close family members who are upset because they really want to be with you on your wedding day?

If they were that bloody upset, they’d make an effort to be there. Yes, for the aunt it’s difficult, but she’s already decided that, even with almost a year’s notice, she’s not even going to try.

But it’s the so-called grandparents who are the real pieces of work. Refusing to go because they don’t get to control the guest list for someone else’s wedding! Do they not care about their close family member - the OP? The one actually getting married?

They definitely are getting more and more entitled. You can see where the kids learn it from.

I'm no advocate of "children should be seen and not heard" or some of the ways adults treated children when I was growing up as a Gen X, but I also don't subscribe to some of the parenting behaviours of today. A lot of parents today seem to think they should be able to tote their kids everywhere, no matter whether the setting is suitable for kids or not. They want "the village" not just to include their kids, but cater for their every need - but woe betide "the village" if they dare tell little Johnny/Jenny they can't have or do something, they will kick off if another adult even mildly chastises their DC, including teachers, or other adults who might reasonably be expected to be allowed to set rules and uphold them in school, daycare, clubs, etc. They can have "rules and boundaries" for everyone else who might interact with their kids, but nobody else can have any rules or boundaries that apply to them or their DC, for example how their children behave in someone else's home, special occasion, or place of work. You won't get an apology from them if their kids knock over someone's drink or trip over your dog or something, because it's "kids being kids". They constantly seem to need to be the centre of attention (or vicariously via their kids) and cannot cope when something (like someone else's wedding) isn't 100% about them, and they project their own selfishness on to the other person.

Not all 2020s parents, of course, but these behaviours are definitely increasing and I can only hope that the generation these kinds of parents are raising will be the ones to become embarrassed about how entitled and spoiled the adults around them are once they get older, and will restore some balance!

I don't have an opinion on your child free wedding OP. You've and your fiance have made a choice that's in your own best interests. Absolutely fine. You considered the feelings of other people. You accepted that there was a logical consequence that parents with kids might not attend.

I do have an opinion on a choice that you made together being derailed by external people.

Over the years, you'll be making hundreds of choices together big and small - where to live, whether to have kids, whether to listen to Aunty Sally's advice on a random topic, whether to travel to see grandparents this weekend or spend the time preparing for an interview, whether to provide personal care for mum as she ages...

All of these choices should be made in your and your fiances best interests and not be influenced or manipulated by people outside of your new family. You and your DH (to be) are now your primary family. Start as you mean to go on.

The thing is, you do have to be “selfish” to some extent for your wedding because there are too many people there with different circumstances so you can’t cater for absolutely everyone. For example, we are getting married in our home town, but some of my family don’t live there and will have to travel further. None of DPs family live close, they all live in different locations, some an hour away, some 30 minutes away, someone even lives in Cornwall which is over 3 hours away. Yes some people have said “could you have made it a bit closer because I can’t afford a taxi all that way or a hotel” but if I changed to a different location, someone else would complain about the same thing. For food we have to choose the meal, should I not have chicken as the dish because aunt sally doesn’t like it? But then we can’t have the beef either because uncle bill doesn’t like that (we have got around this by having tapas with lots of different options but some people have a traditional 3 course meal and a lot of places say you have to choose one meal and everyone eats the same thing. But again with tapas, I haven’t ordered anything spicy in case some people don’t like spice, but if some people don’t like anything on the menu, it really is tough, they’ll have to deal with it). We were thinking about having our wedding on a Friday instead because it is SO much cheaper, but knew that a lot of people would moan about annual leave so we have kept it to a Saturday, but some people work weekends instead and have already complained about having to take the whole weekend off.

I just can’t organise my wedding to suit everyone else’s individual needs and circumstances. It’s not possible. We only have three couples that are invited with children, my auntie and then two of DPs cousins. We have decided we don’t want them there, and that is our right. We can’t please everyone, and if some people can’t come because they can’t leave their children or it’s too far away etc then that’s just how it is, I’m not expecting everyone to bend over backwards to attend. If you can’t come, don’t. But yes I am upset by the way that my own family is dealing with that.

if we had our own way and were being completely selfish, we would get married on a weekday with no children, over in a coastal town and have vegetarian only food. However I know that would not go down well with the guests so we are already doing what the majority of people would want. I am not also changing my mind about the child free part

I had a tapas wedding and everyone loved it :)
I hate a sit down meal.

also… gasp! We didn’t do a wedding cake as we don’t actually like cake and the cost of them was ridiculous. We did a tower of mini desserts - wee cheesecakes and brownies and such. Was delicious and we enjoyed it. My great aunt had lots to say lol

I recently went to a member of my family’s child free wedding and my husband couldn’t attend as he had to look after out kids. All I could think about was how early I needed to leave to be home with the kids, how much my daughter would have loved to have danced with the wider family, how much she would have loved dressing up and going to a nice family celebration.

Me me me me meeeee!!

Exactly. People will always find something to moan about so do what suits you. It’s a shame that this has highlighted what horrible your grandparents are though.

Hope you didn't vocalise any of that to anyone other than your DH

If we had our own way and were being completely selfish, we would get married on a weekday with no children, over in a coastal town and have vegetarian only food

To be honest OP at this stage you probably should have just done what you want. Your wedding will be over with in 24 hours and then life will continue. If you are going to upset some of your guests to this degree with your no child policy you really aren’t gaining much by not doing what you want to do it it’s entirety. I worry that your no child policy will end up having a lasting impact on your relationship with your aunt and cousins, which you may or may not be bothered about, but I honestly question if you’ve made sacrifices already to please the masses why you can’t make a small exception for this? You’ve got to be really sure you’re happy for this decision to implode your relationship with your family for the sake of one day.

Looks like it's not only going to be a child-free wedding, but an adult free one too from the looks of it.

There are many words I would use to describe the behaviour of OP’s grandparents. “Adult” is not one of them.

This sounds so unfair. This is your wedding so you need to do want you both want. Have your parents spoken to your grandparents?

Just to add, I wanted a child free wedding. I was very sure I wanted no kids there and it would ruin the vibe etc. A couple of our friends said they could not come because of the no child policy and I sat and really thought if I would be happy excluding them for the sake of a couple of young kids. We decided to let them come. One kid cried during the service but you know what? I literally didn’t care. It was a big day with lots of people and absolutely nothing was ruined or taken away by having a couple of little ones there. I actually like looking back at pictures with the kids in and reflecting how they’ve all grown. It’s a totally individual choice but I would say that you’d be surprised how little you notice on the actual day.

Kids are not the social equals of adults.

Never have been, never will be.

I got married in a coastal town hundreds of miles from where we lived. It was just us and two witnesses.

I regret my mum not being there, but nothing else.

One of my (now ex) husband's work colleagues was absolutely furious! She aggressively gave us a set of cut glass crystal beakers and went on about it for ages. One of the numerous reasons we did just the two of us was to avoid presents! We lived together and didn't need anything.

I don't see any point in having a wedding that other people want. You're not having it where you want, you're not having the food you want. Are the people you've invited even the people you want there, or is that a list of should invites as well?

I'd be tempted to scrub it and start again with exactly what you want. There'll be moaning but at least you'll have the wedding you want rather than a compromise.

How much of a loser do people have to be that someone else’s wedding is THE social highlight of their life - to the extent they get so upset their entire family isn’t invited!! They honestly need to get out more and have a life but I assume with 4 kids that’s hard to do normally - hence the emotions invested into your event. It’s their prerogative to not come but to cut contact and turn your grandparents against you is like an abusive bf who punishes you for not doing exactly as he wanted.

If they want to explain to their kids when they’re older that the reason for a family fall out is because of a child free wedding - that’s on them. They’ll sound unhinged and petty which is exactly what they are.

Btw do your grandparents have to do a lot of childcare for the kids normally? It could be your aunt is making their life miserable for not offering to babysit the kids (and not go) so she can attend , and they’re taking their frustration out on you.

Ignore and have a fab day! You’ll see now who’s really family (want what’s best for you) and people related by blood who don’t.

Of course they are. They are human beings and equal members of society.
Some environments may be unsuitable for them but that doesn't mean they aren't social equals!

I doubt it will have a lasting impact on my cousins, do 5, 3 and 1 year olds care about being invited to weddings? Is my 3 year old cousin going to resent me when he is 20 years old because I didn’t invite him to a weddinf when he was 3?

interestingly (or not), the other couples who have children have been fine aboit it. One of them has an older child who is 12 and his mum said she wouldn’t want to bring him anyway because he will be bored and just want to go home so he can play on his DS or whatever. I would really hate to look around on my wedding day and see bored children’s faces or have them running around screaming or doing knee slides. It isn’t a children’s party. It is catered for adults, I don’t have the money to be spending it on extra things for kids. Plus, I have already reached the guest list limit. If I invited the children (10 in total) I would have to knock 10 adults off the guest list who I actually want to be there.

If I had nieces and nephews that I was close to, it might be different because I know I would be close to them and they would very much be a part of my life. Kids of relatives that I only see once or twice a year do not need to be there.

Kids may not be "social equals" in terms of status or responsibilities and ability to pay the leccy bill, but how is that even relevant in the context of attending weddings?

They should be as "valued" as much any other family member.

I have literally no opinion on a child free wedding, but you are not the first person I’ve heard say that it’s their parents / grandparents who are annoyed about it, rather than the actual adult who’s children aren’t invited.

A former colleague’s own mother didn’t attend her wedding. She declined in order look after her grandchildren, so that the brides siblings could attend. Both siblings had alternative childcare, and were happy to use it, but their mother refused to go anyway.
My husband was best-man a couple of years ago, the groom’s parents and grandparents both left as soon as the ceremony was over, because apparently there would be no ‘joy’ at the wedding breakfast or party without the children running around.
I also have an acquaintance who’s grandmother politely declined their wedding invite, because she took ‘child free wedding’ to mean ‘drug and alcohol fuelled rave’

I wonder if attitudes will improve as more and more people are opting to have a child-free wedding?