Page 40 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 11:21

JemimaPiddlepot · 21/05/2025 11:17

Ah, but this would be childcare the OP paid for, so that’s different…

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There are companies which offer wedding nanny services with properly qualified staff. It is not the same as a parent finding a babysitter while she goes out for the day. The kids dip in and out and their parents are nearby.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:25

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/05/2025 11:17

People do understand the significance and that’s why they don’t want it disrupted by screaming or mis-behaving kids when they are going through one of the most important moments of their life

Anyone who thinks their rights to bring their kids along trumps that are the entitled and unreasonable ones

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Exactly this.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:26

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 11:17

But there are only 10 kids, all children of direct family members and she is saying they’re not invited. Framing it as an “adult only” event doesn’t mean that it’s not a deliberate choice that excludes only these children and nobody else.

Weddings do not have to be child free so, with a choice to allow them to come or not, she has chosen to not. That’s bound to cause some hurt feelings in my opinion!

Plus it sounds like the others with kids aren’t particularly bothered but this aunt has made it clear her feelings are hurt. For me, I would want my cousins at my wedding but, even if I didn’t, I would invite those 4 kids to ensure I didn’t cause a family rift even if it is on my own wedding day.

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Ten kids is a lot.

So no one is ever allowed to have an adult party, if they are loosely related to any children? What bullshit.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:32

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 10:59

She could invite them to the evening do. Hire a wedding nanny so the kids could dip in and out. And I have had kids at my daughters' 21sts, which were in venues with food, where people dressed up. And if I did have a more formal event, yes, they would be invited.

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Or their mother could hire a nanny to watch them in their home, without bothering the hosts at all. Job done.

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 11:33

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:32

Or their mother could hire a nanny to watch them in their home, without bothering the hosts at all. Job done.

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I would only do that if it was an established nanny. I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I didn't know and trust.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 21/05/2025 11:33

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 11:02

I haven’t sent invitations out yet, I told the people with children as a heads up to give them time to try and find child care or decide if they still want to come etc. I didn’t want them to assume children were invited and then be disappointed down the line. But my auntie straight away said “are you kidding me?!” I tried to explain the reasons why but it turned into a massive argument. After that I tried to reach out to her after a few days but I was met with more shouting and aggressive behaviour. She called me to ask if I’d changed my mind yet and when I said no she was shouting at me down the phone. My grandparents tried to change my mind but when it was clear I wasn’t going to, they started name calling me and said some really hurtful things. After that they told me to uninvite them and let me know they won’t be speaking to me again. I tried to reach out since then but they have ignored my calls and texts and didn’t answer the door when I went round. I’ve now realised there’s nothing I can do and I’m going to have to leave them to it but I’m extremely upset over it because I have always been close to my grandparents and I am actually gutted that they won’t be coming. Even if I did change my mind and invited children, what they have said and done can’t be undone and I will always have that in my head and has now soured and changed the relationship and my view of them and what they think of me.

Edited

Ok, well this might change my advice about not falling out over this! Your auntie and grandparents sound like relatives I'd cross the street to avoid. I guess it depends on whether this is a fairly normal level of drama for your family, or if this amount of vitriol has come from nowhere.

Your auntie sounds a lost cause tbh. No doubt she's on a short fuse due to the aforementioned four kids, but that's no excuse for yelling at you and possibly turning the grandparents against you. You've always been close to them, now they're calling you names and never want to speak to you again. (I'm wondering if auntie is manipulative, and grandparents easily influenced? What do your close family members think, or are they keeping well out of it? You sound quite unsupported OP...)

Whatever, everyone's shown their true colours. Their love is conditional on you behaving in ways that suit them. A family member not wanting kids at their wedding would not be such a toxic issue for most families. It's hard, but maybe it's time to move on emotionally, even if you can't physically.

Original poster

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 11:35

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 21/05/2025 11:33

Ok, well this might change my advice about not falling out over this! Your auntie and grandparents sound like relatives I'd cross the street to avoid. I guess it depends on whether this is a fairly normal level of drama for your family, or if this amount of vitriol has come from nowhere.

Your auntie sounds a lost cause tbh. No doubt she's on a short fuse due to the aforementioned four kids, but that's no excuse for yelling at you and possibly turning the grandparents against you. You've always been close to them, now they're calling you names and never want to speak to you again. (I'm wondering if auntie is manipulative, and grandparents easily influenced? What do your close family members think, or are they keeping well out of it? You sound quite unsupported OP...)

Whatever, everyone's shown their true colours. Their love is conditional on you behaving in ways that suit them. A family member not wanting kids at their wedding would not be such a toxic issue for most families. It's hard, but maybe it's time to move on emotionally, even if you can't physically.

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It isn’t too surprising for my auntie to act like this. I knew she would probably be pissed off but I didn’t realise she would react this extremely. We have had little spats in the past, she can be hard work and she does seem to like drama. However, my grandparents have never ever done anything like this

OP posts:

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 11:35

Have a lovely wedding OP! You have every right to have the wedding that you want to have. I don't know anyone who had a child-free wedding that regretted it, including myself. I'm sorry some of your family have let you down. Some of the responses on this thread have been certifiable but they have highlighted how beyond unreasonable people can be, it has been eye opening. Wishing you a happy day and best wishes for your future!

Fortean · 21/05/2025 11:35

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 11:17

But there are only 10 kids, all children of direct family members and she is saying they’re not invited. Framing it as an “adult only” event doesn’t mean that it’s not a deliberate choice that excludes only these children and nobody else.

Weddings do not have to be child free so, with a choice to allow them to come or not, she has chosen to not. That’s bound to cause some hurt feelings in my opinion!

Plus it sounds like the others with kids aren’t particularly bothered but this aunt has made it clear her feelings are hurt. For me, I would want my cousins at my wedding but, even if I didn’t, I would invite those 4 kids to ensure I didn’t cause a family rift even if it is on my own wedding day.

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So, basically, you'd cave in to a tantrum from adults who should know better. Not every event has to be child-friendly. I honestly can' imagine falling out with family because they didn't invite my kids to an adult-only wedding. But, it seems plenty would, so maybe it's me!

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:37

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 10:19

Actually, kids sometimes do care. My four year old was very disappointed hearing talk of her aunt's wedding, then being told she wasn't invited because she was a child. She's now married and made a big point of inviting every child in the family because of it.

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Then you are raising a very presumptuous child. Imagine a tot overhearing talk of a social event and just automatically assuming she’ll be invited?!

I foresee a robust “bride at every wedding and corpse at every funeral” mentality.

houwseevryweekend · 21/05/2025 11:42

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 10:08

I DO host family events. We had Christmas here for my husband's nearest family (16 of them) and a family party for all his cousins last autumn. And they do nothing. I am putting my values about family first and ensuring that my children get to take part in family gatherings - I find it a shame that the rest of the family don't bother (they love coming to our events btw and in fact the cousins party was because they asked us specifically to do it,).

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But you get your happiness from having all your family around. Can you not fathom that other people including your own family enjoy attending these events but their lives wouldn’t be any less if they didn’t attend or you don’t host. They get happiness from other people and things (friends, hobbies, experiences) - and you can’t be everyone’s priority. It’s unreasonable to expect it.

I have a family member like you who loves organising family events and of course people like DH and I attend if invited. And will enjoy it because she puts a lot of effort in. But it’s not a big deal for me if she never did it (and I know my other cousins feel the same) or if she never invited me as I don’t think about her or my other extended family outside of these events. Sometimes I do feel sorry for her as she places so much stock on these events it feels like she’s craving attention and love she’s not getting elsewhere. I care far more about my close friends and my immediate family than people I don’t have much in common with other than a bloodline.

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 11:43

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:37

Then you are raising a very presumptuous child. Imagine a tot overhearing talk of a social event and just automatically assuming she’ll be invited?!

I foresee a robust “bride at every wedding and corpse at every funeral” mentality.

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I think it was reasonable she'd assume she'd been invited. She'd never not been invited to anything family before, so I can see why not being invited wouldn't have been on her radar. It was a new experience for her. We weren't big party people, so it's not like we left them in general.

She is most definitely not presumptuous and made sure she had all the kids at her own wedding.

I think it would have been better if aunt hadn't hyped up the wedding in front of the children knowing she wasn't planning to invite them when it was an unusual thing for the family.

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 11:48

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 10:59

She could invite them to the evening do. Hire a wedding nanny so the kids could dip in and out. And I have had kids at my daughters' 21sts, which were in venues with food, where people dressed up. And if I did have a more formal event, yes, they would be invited.

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But OP doesn't want them to dip in and out. Her wedding is not there to be an option to children to take it leave as they please. They are not invited, adults are.

Having children at the evening do is equally as annoying as having them at the ceremony. With the added bonus they're now likely to be tired and overstimulated. And their parents will probably leave early when their child wants to go, rather than staying to celebrate with the B&G.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/05/2025 12:05

OP your wedding sounds fab. Can I come? I love vegetarian food and promise to leave my children at home. Without telling you all about it.

AnonWho23 · 21/05/2025 12:16

It sounds like when people in your family don't get their way they get aggressive and abusive. Maybe, youd be better not to have any of them there.

If you want your grandparents and aunt there, I wouldn't but thats me, Invite them but be clear on the invite. If they choose not to come that's on them. At least they can't say you excluded them.

My grandparents didn't attend my wedding either. It was their loss. The next time I saw my nan was on her deathbed and I only went then because my dad asked me to go with him.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:17

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 08:29

The thing is, you do have to be “selfish” to some extent for your wedding because there are too many people there with different circumstances so you can’t cater for absolutely everyone. For example, we are getting married in our home town, but some of my family don’t live there and will have to travel further. None of DPs family live close, they all live in different locations, some an hour away, some 30 minutes away, someone even lives in Cornwall which is over 3 hours away. Yes some people have said “could you have made it a bit closer because I can’t afford a taxi all that way or a hotel” but if I changed to a different location, someone else would complain about the same thing. For food we have to choose the meal, should I not have chicken as the dish because aunt sally doesn’t like it? But then we can’t have the beef either because uncle bill doesn’t like that (we have got around this by having tapas with lots of different options but some people have a traditional 3 course meal and a lot of places say you have to choose one meal and everyone eats the same thing. But again with tapas, I haven’t ordered anything spicy in case some people don’t like spice, but if some people don’t like anything on the menu, it really is tough, they’ll have to deal with it). We were thinking about having our wedding on a Friday instead because it is SO much cheaper, but knew that a lot of people would moan about annual leave so we have kept it to a Saturday, but some people work weekends instead and have already complained about having to take the whole weekend off.

I just can’t organise my wedding to suit everyone else’s individual needs and circumstances. It’s not possible. We only have three couples that are invited with children, my auntie and then two of DPs cousins. We have decided we don’t want them there, and that is our right. We can’t please everyone, and if some people can’t come because they can’t leave their children or it’s too far away etc then that’s just how it is, I’m not expecting everyone to bend over backwards to attend. If you can’t come, don’t. But yes I am upset by the way that my own family is dealing with that.

if we had our own way and were being completely selfish, we would get married on a weekday with no children, over in a coastal town and have vegetarian only food. However I know that would not go down well with the guests so we are already doing what the majority of people would want. I am not also changing my mind about the child free part

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Where is your wedding that there's no choice of dish? Every wedding I've ever been to has had a meat option and a vegetarian option.

You obviously cannot hold a wedding everywhere at once, it has to be in the place that's the most convenient for the most people.

That's very different to excluding members of your family- and by extension, their parents- simply because they haven't hit 18 yet.

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 12:21

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:17

Where is your wedding that there's no choice of dish? Every wedding I've ever been to has had a meat option and a vegetarian option.

You obviously cannot hold a wedding everywhere at once, it has to be in the place that's the most convenient for the most people.

That's very different to excluding members of your family- and by extension, their parents- simply because they haven't hit 18 yet.

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You can't invite everyone and so you have to exclude people from the guest list by some criteria or other - why shouldn't it be age?

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:23

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 12:21

You can't invite everyone and so you have to exclude people from the guest list by some criteria or other - why shouldn't it be age?

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How about race or sexuality then, if it's fine to exclude based on protected characteristics beyond the control of the people involved?

Fortean · 21/05/2025 12:23

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:23

How about race or sexuality then, if it's fine to exclude based on protected characteristics beyond the control of the people involved?

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Having an adults-only event is in no way the same as racism or homophobic discrimination. Come on.

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 12:26

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:23

How about race or sexuality then, if it's fine to exclude based on protected characteristics beyond the control of the people involved?

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What on earth?? Kids should be allowed in pubs and strip clubs then by that logic.

Children are children and not the same as adults. They are not a minority group. Get it together.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 12:26

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:23

How about race or sexuality then, if it's fine to exclude based on protected characteristics beyond the control of the people involved?

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Socially, minors are not a “protected” class. They also are not the equals of adults. They are not independent and require supervision.

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 12:27

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 11:21

There are companies which offer wedding nanny services with properly qualified staff. It is not the same as a parent finding a babysitter while she goes out for the day. The kids dip in and out and their parents are nearby.

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The problem with these kinds of parents is that wouldn't be a suitable option. Let's face it, if they wanted to leave them with a trusted babysitter they would've already planned for it and not make a big deal about it. It's their way or no way.

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 12:29

MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 12:23

How about race or sexuality then, if it's fine to exclude based on protected characteristics beyond the control of the people involved?

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What are you even on about? You have completely lost the plot. 1+ 3 does not equal G. Please stop before you hurt yourself.

Fortean · 21/05/2025 12:29

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 12:26

What on earth?? Kids should be allowed in pubs and strip clubs then by that logic.

Children are children and not the same as adults. They are not a minority group. Get it together.

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Exactly. Someone better tell all those adult-only hotels that they're just as bad as segregationists back in the day!

JemimaPiddlepot · 21/05/2025 12:32

If you want your grandparents and aunt there, I wouldn't but thats me, Invite them but be clear on the invite. If they choose not to come that's on them. At least they can't say you excluded them.

I would do this. Tell them calmly and politely that their invitations are still on the table, but that you will not be amending your guest list.

I bet you any money your grandparents will come. As for the old woman who lived in a shoe, I reckon you’re better off without her.