Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

See I think that's fine. Excluding everyone means no one is being highlighted for exclusion. No one is being individually snubbed or having attendance made particularly more difficult for them personally. All and sundry are being snubbed and everyone is equally pissed or not.

But not inviting some of your closest blood relatives because they're children, so that you can invite more adults that you aren't as close with, and feasibly making it more difficult for family to attend over others, is odd priorities for an occasion celebrating families being created and coming together, unless there's some prior strife.

I am not sure people always look at what message they are really giving sometimes.

But the grandparents are being childish dicks. Imagine cutting your grandchild off for so trivial a thing.

Which is why I still firmly believe the grandparents have no real intention of doing it. It’s a nasty, manipulative little ploy designed to make the OP give in and do what they want.

If the OP sticks to her guns, I would put money on her grandparents suddenly “magnanimously” declaring that while they still disapprove of her decision, they have decided it would not be appropriate to miss their granddaughter’s wedding, and therefore they will be attending, although under protest. They will probably do this about a week before the wedding to cause maximum disruption - and if there’s a genuine problem fitting them in, they will pull the whole “So now you don’t even think your own grandparents should be there?” routine. Probably with a few tears thrown in for extra dramatic value.

Just as you had every right to choose the kind of wedding you wanted, your guests also have every right to decide whether to attend or not, based on their own circumstances.
What’s baffling is how unaware of their own tactlessness some couples can be when they plan child-free weddings. You put people between a rock and a hard place by forcing them to choose whether to attend the wedding or be with their children.

This thread proves the point.

To be honest OP you are coming across as lacking in empathy on this topic and a bit of a bridezilla. I’m all for childfree weddings, and that is absolutely your right, but it’s also everyone else’s right to not want to attend and to see your plans as unpleasant treatment towards your aunt. That’s life.

Just be dignified and accept they aren’t coming and drop the topic. Accept that you are planning a wedding that many people don’t want to be a part of and don’t act like a victim. This is all your own doing.

I would be more sympathetic but comparing leaving a tiny child with a stranger to you attending a wedding without your fiancé, and alleging that the guests will be better able to “let their hair down” because they aren't able to supervise their babies, and implying that a mum of a 1 year should be ok with this because a different mum of a 12 year old doesn’t mind, makes you seem so obstinately narrow minded that it’s almost not worth trying to explain the other side to you.

But OP has said she is not close to the kids and would rather have adult guests there presumably because she has closer relationships with them. Just because they are cousins doesn't mean they are close.

Then... don't go? I'm not sure where your point is? Are you attacking me or agreeing with me?

I don't assume everyone will want to go to go to a wedding. I, on the whole, find them exactly as you said - inconvenient, boring, hard work and expensive. I enjoy seeing old friends if that's the crowd but more often than not I decline weddings of people I don't know super well.

The presence of other people's 'darling' children there usually seals the deal for my so-sorry-I-can't-make-it-have-a-wonderful-day response

In the same way that great aunt Dot doesn’t get a paid place at a paintball party for a 14yr old, little Dotty doesn’t get a paid place at an adult party with alcohol, tapas and vows.

People thrive in different settings. Aunts don’t get extra places to go on the school trip to the zoo, either.

Good for you op!

You only get married once and if you don’t want it turning into a kids party that is your prerogative! I can’t believe you are even being put in this position. Nor the posts on here trying to also manipulate you. It is your choice. End of.

I would say to anyone that moans about it:

’You are very welcome to host a family party and invite all of the children, they can dance and play, We will look forward to it, but my wedding day is a serious event and one that will be child free’

Geez if a wedding is about ‘families’ being created, then maybe these ‘families’ should all chip in and pay for the wedding hey? Oh and chip in and pay for all the things that the ‘families’ want to do - holidays, medical bills. Interesting how the concept of family becomes so important when it’s a party paid for by someone else. If only the same concept of family existed when elderly parents need care or wills/inheritance are read out.

The only family being created is the couple getting married - and the people they consider important enough. That’s the message being sent and no one should be entitled enough to think their children (who the couple barely know) are top of a priority list over adult friends just because they share a common ancestor. It’s a really weird thing to get upset about.

What an insular frog-in-the-well view to think friends can’t be more important than family. You choose your friends rather than end up with them because someone a generation or two ago decided to procreate.

It is a wedding not a "party". A wedding has much more significance than just a "party".

It is quite sad that so many people do not seem to understand that significance and the true meaning that makes a wedding so special.

Perhaps that is why the divorce rate is also so high, folks jumped into the commitment as they thought they were just organising a party.

From your aunt's perspective she probably has her freedom significantly curtailed with so many small children. I assume that she heard about this family wedding before discovering that it was child free. A wedding with other family members would have been a social event that she could have participated in and this is where the disappointment comes from.

I'd also argue that it's not unreasonable for her to confide this disappointment in your DGM. Very normal thing to do. Obviously creating drama isn't.

You aren't being selfish but I think you've gone against family expectations at your peril.

"Equal members of society", "human beings" and "social equals" do not equate to the same thing.

Treating kids as the social equals of adults in every context would mean possibly exposing them to adult social situations that would be inappropriate for them. I'm not saying a wedding is one of these, but we would also not treat kids as the social equals of adult guests because they can't drink, for example, they may need to be explicitly told the rules about how to behave because we can't expect them to have adult manners, or it may not be appropriate for them/in their best interests to stay up until the bar closes. There are laws preventing kids from participating in society in the same way as adults (e.g. smoking, drinking, sex, certain films, driving). Children are in need of varying levels of protection both by and from adults, therefore cannot be their social equals.

I agree with this.

Why can't her husband look after the children it sounds as if she's chained to them. She can't attend an event without her children that's worrying.

How do children get socialised and learn the value of family inclusion if you exclude them from family weddings?

For me, going to weddings when I was a child was a huge part of understanding how the adult world worked - the idea that a 12 year old wouldn't want to come because he would rather be at home on his iPad is imo exactly why he should be at a wedding!

Society is generally foregoing family obligations as part of the focus on individual wants. You see it in the increase in children going no-contact with parents, in people not making the effort to attend funerals.....Weddings are seen as a day for the bride to be a princess for the day rather than the celebration of two families coming together.

If you want the princess for the day kind of event, it does leave other people feeling excluded as the demands of making it all about the bride are so hard to accommodate other people. My nephew and his partner have chosen a gorgeous but tiny venue with a 5 year wait. My dad has died in the meantime and none of us will be invited as there isn't enough room. I hope he's happy but frankly imo people matter more than the pics.

I would change wedding and just have a very small intimate affair and immediate families only as these people aren’t bothered about your day or how you feel.
If they couldn’t get a babysitter they should have said but wished you a great time and not stirred with your other relatives.
When we got married we had a lot of selfish people and if I did it over I wouldn’t have three quarters of them.

It's absolutely your choice and your aunt and grandparents are unreasonable to have behaved in the way they have.

Just out of interest, why is the wedding child free? Is this a concern over noise during the ceremony and poor behaviour during the reception?

I don't know the details, only that she isn't able to leave the kids.

I think you should read all her posts. She is totally fine with her aunt not attending. She is mostly confused as to why her grandparents are throwing a fit about it.

I wonder why the OP doesn't say what her parents think about this?

She's answered this several times but it's really not the point. She doesn't want them there and they aren't invited. Somehow her grandparents are intensely upset over it. Super weird.

Your wedding. You are not a bridezilla as some people implied. At least you know who the stirrers and drama people are in your family. Not bothered about you.
They are pathetic.

Why can't children learn all that at other occasions? Why does it have to be at OPs wedding? Do we say the same to people who never get married? How dare they not provide an opportunity for other peoples kids to socialise? If people are so keen for family time, they can arrange it themselves can't they?
These occasions are fewer and further between these days, it's silly to wait around for other people to arrange them to your liking.

It’s only a “family wedding” if the bride and groom want it to be. Many do not.

Why don’t all of these people so eager to show off and “socialize” their kids host some parties with their own effort and money, instead of constantly trying to hijack others’ weddings??

Pathetic just not got your best interests at heart. At least you know that they are stirrers too. Just an excuse so they don’t have to go.