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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2018 12:47

I went to a wedding where the bride's toddler niece talked loudly and shouted the bride's name throughout the vows.
The bride was devastated.

YANBU

Fevertree · 22/03/2018 12:47

It's your wedding day so do what you want but that really sounds OTT and trust me while you make your vows a toddle clapping or laughing will not distract you

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:48

I think it would.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 22/03/2018 12:48

Yanbu because its your wedding and you have made adequate provisions so children can still attend the rest of the day... its just for twenty mins you dont want them there. That is pretty reasonable. I would not personally take issue with that at all as a guest.

I dont personally agree about your general theory about kids at weddings however. I had them at mine... I had my own there and he was 2 and he didnt make a single noise that I noticed the entire ceremony and he was right on the front row!

But its YOUR wedding so you should have it how you want it. And what youve suggested is not actually that difficult for people because they can still bring their kids in general.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 22/03/2018 12:49

Children are a PITA at weddings. My own was the worst.

I agree with your SIL that I wouldn't want to leave a child with a stranger. However, she's bonkers if she her kids need to see you walk down the isle.

I'd just ban the lot of them tbh. Unless it was a newborn, they'd be fine I think.

But yes, I would take them out. They also would have had a good talking to beforehand, and something to help keep them quiet during the ceremony.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 22/03/2018 12:50

Tbh I’m not really bothered about a bit of noise at my wedding ceremony. A bit of toddler babble is quite sweet. There’ll be about 6-10 children at my wedding, ages 2-9 and wouldn’t dream of excluding them from the ceremony. There will be other things they can go and do during the speeches or other ‘boring bits’ at the reception if they want - bouncy castle, outdoor games, general running around outside. I kind of think kids make a wedding a bit.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 22/03/2018 12:50

Whatever you decide make sure your invites absolutely spell it out.
My friend's dd posted pics on Instagram of her new dress she had got for my wedding...
She wasn't invited (or her sis) but are like Where's fucking Wally on all my wedding photos in their fuchsia pink dresses. Sad

BevBrook · 22/03/2018 12:50

I wouldn’t be happy leaving my child with a total stranger. I wouldn’t do it. I have, however, taken my child out of ceremonies for even low level noise or if I am closer to the bride and groom DH would do it.

In the situation you describe, I would wait outside or in the room with DC (or DH would depending who was closer to the couple).

BevBrook · 22/03/2018 12:50

I mean in the special children’s room

InMemoryOfSleep · 22/03/2018 12:50

It’s your day, so you get to make the decisions! I’ve been to several weddings that have been totally child free; I’ve made other arrangements for childcare and gone and had a lovely time. Let them sort themselves out - you’ve put in place some amazing provision for their kids, if they don’t like it that is their decision. Stick to your guns!

Elllicam · 22/03/2018 12:52

Even taking them out can cause a distraction, my toddler DS2 began to cry at my brothers wedding so I took him straight out, I still think my sister in law hasn’t forgiven me Hmm

DesperateforSPRING · 22/03/2018 12:52

If my dc made a sort of loud noise like one, I would wait and see, another one and we would be outside.

SometimesMaybe · 22/03/2018 12:52

Unfortunately I think the people whose children make the most noise are those who are least likely to remove them. I went to a wedding and sat next to a friend and her kids and couldn’t hear the service because of the chattering. They weren’t being loud or upset or shouting but they were being disruptive to others. My friend didn’t seem to notice at all.

Liskee · 22/03/2018 12:52

Your wedding and your choice.

You could be making the entire wedding completely child free. I have 2 toddlers. They've both been at a number of weddings and have been quiet at none. The only one that either me or my husband didn't remove them from was our own. And my MiL nearly had DS1 out the door before I shook my head at her and reached out to take him!

Toddlers are not quiet beings. You are perfectly allowed to have quiet during your ceremony. If that parents are concerned about leaving their child with a stranger let them know they are perfectly welcome to stay in the 'nanny' room with their children during the ceremony.

Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2018 12:52

trust me while you make your vows a toddle clapping or laughing will not distract you

I would not be happy at all and would be distracted and Hmm. Unless it was my own toddler maybe.

Twickerhun · 22/03/2018 12:53

I’ve been to a wedding ceremony and reception that was totally spoiled by a family with three kids. We couldn’t hear the vows or speavges over the children’s noise and adults shushing them. The couple getting married seemed pretty oblivious though, thank goodness

twoundertwox · 22/03/2018 12:53

Your wedding. Your choice. Definitely not unreasonable. We had about 6 children under 5 including our dd 2&1 at our wedding. Whilst none were naughty or especially disruptive it was very odd putting especially when my two year old was clambering around us while saying our vows. I turned to my mum and snapped for someone to take her away BlushGrin
Having said that; no matter how annoying they were I would not have had it any other way.

goose1964 · 22/03/2018 12:53

My 2 were around 2&4 at my sister's wedding and were angelic during the service but played merry hell at the the reception.

Lottapianos · 22/03/2018 12:54

Totally with you OP. Everyone will tell you that there will be no noise, and they will absolutely take them out the second they start, but I wouldn't take the risk. Make it clear that you will not be able to accommodate children at the ceremony. If parents don't want to leave their child with a stranger (understandable), they can join their child in the children's room for that 20 minutes or so. Ignore the guilt trip about your nephew seeing you get married - he's 2, he won't have a clue what's going on. Stick to your guns.

PaperdollCartoon · 22/03/2018 12:55

Yes I’d remove a child of mine quickly. I’ve been to a few weddings where children were loud throughout the ceremony and judged the parents for not taking them out. A bit of whispered talking is fine, but not crying or shouting. It’s so important to the couple to have that moment, why let your child ruin it for them?

Trinity66 · 22/03/2018 12:55

I have no idea why your guests would object to your suggestion, it sounds like a great deal for both them and their toddler

Figgygal · 22/03/2018 12:55

You should've just gone the whole way and made it a totally childfree wedding by accommodating them to an extent with special rooms and things you're confusing the message of course the parents are now pushing their luck as theyre not taking it seriously.

Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2018 12:55

At DB's wedding DS1 was 6 months old. DH took him and sat in the bar at the hotel because I didn't want DS1 crying or whinging. DH was particularly happy with the arrangement. Grin
I got to watch the ceremony in peace.

TeaandHobnobs · 22/03/2018 12:55

I took my (then) 16mo DS out of the church as my SIL walked in (well, just after) because he was threatening to kick off. We spent the whole service in the churchyard. I was gutted to miss their wedding service, but I’d have been mortified if they thought DS had ruined it with shouting and screaming.

I asked for no children at my wedding for that reason - as it happened, only one person had a very small child at the time, and I arranged an area where they could be looked after / play. That person wasn’t happy with me about the child not being invited though. So be it.

The nanny idea is a good one, but not everyone is happy (or even could) leave their child with someone the child doesn’t know.

I didn’t remotely enjoy taking my children to weddings when they were very little - it is very stressful trying to keep them quiet / entertained, and you can’t really join in the day properly. They are now 6 and 3 and can be trusted to behave nicely at something like that... although I’d still have more fun if they didn’t come!

Bumbumtaloo · 22/03/2018 12:56

Both me and DH missed BIL & SIL take their vows as both of our DD’s started making noise - DD2 tiny baby not even 4wks I took her out, DD1 toddler asking where mummy was DH took her out.

We had lots of children at our wedding and honestly the only one I can remember making a noise was our DD as she specifically said something as I walked in and it has become a bit of a standing joke. Otherwise cannot remember anything.

If my child was you I’m afraid I would not leave them with a stranger - I’m more than happy to leave them with people I know and trust.

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