Page 38 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:06

WhatNoRaisins · 21/05/2025 09:39

From your aunt's perspective she probably has her freedom significantly curtailed with so many small children. I assume that she heard about this family wedding before discovering that it was child free. A wedding with other family members would have been a social event that she could have participated in and this is where the disappointment comes from.

I'd also argue that it's not unreasonable for her to confide this disappointment in your DGM. Very normal thing to do. Obviously creating drama isn't.

You aren't being selfish but I think you've gone against family expectations at your peril.

That’s tough shit for the aunt. She chose to produce four offspring.

No one owes her a social life.

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 10:08

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:03

It’s only a “family wedding” if the bride and groom want it to be. Many do not.

Why don’t all of these people so eager to show off and “socialize” their kids host some parties with their own effort and money, instead of constantly trying to hijack others’ weddings??

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I DO host family events. We had Christmas here for my husband's nearest family (16 of them) and a family party for all his cousins last autumn. And they do nothing. I am putting my values about family first and ensuring that my children get to take part in family gatherings - I find it a shame that the rest of the family don't bother (they love coming to our events btw and in fact the cousins party was because they asked us specifically to do it,).

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 10:09

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 09:47

How do children get socialised and learn the value of family inclusion if you exclude them from family weddings?

For me, going to weddings when I was a child was a huge part of understanding how the adult world worked - the idea that a 12 year old wouldn't want to come because he would rather be at home on his iPad is imo exactly why he should be at a wedding!

Society is generally foregoing family obligations as part of the focus on individual wants. You see it in the increase in children going no-contact with parents, in people not making the effort to attend funerals.....Weddings are seen as a day for the bride to be a princess for the day rather than the celebration of two families coming together.

If you want the princess for the day kind of event, it does leave other people feeling excluded as the demands of making it all about the bride are so hard to accommodate other people. My nephew and his partner have chosen a gorgeous but tiny venue with a 5 year wait. My dad has died in the meantime and none of us will be invited as there isn't enough room. I hope he's happy but frankly imo people matter more than the pics.

These are getting more and more ridiculous, children can't be socialised or learn the value of family inclusion if they don't go to weddings?! 🤣 Wow, just wow.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:12

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 21/05/2025 09:17

Kids may not be "social equals" in terms of status or responsibilities and ability to pay the leccy bill, but how is that even relevant in the context of attending weddings?

They should be as "valued" as much any other family member.

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Utter hogwash.

The bride is not close to them, they are toddlers and reception age tots who won’t even remember the event.

Kids are not the social equals to adults and it is not an insult to exclude them from adult events.

People who want to host all-ages family gatherings are always free to do so, but it’s not acceptable to dictate that others’ weddings serve that purpose.

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 10:12

…your Aunties kids aren’t invited, because your husbands Cousins children don’t know how to behave ?

That seems a bit unfair

You’ve now created a full “child free wedding because it’s nicer” narrative to fit that first decison. The upshot is, you didn’t want to have a difficult conversions with your husbands Cousin, so you’ve made a blanket decison. Maybe tell people the truth about why you came to that decision, instead of inventing new reasons.

Tbrh · 21/05/2025 10:13

ScribblingPixie · 21/05/2025 10:01

I wonder why the OP doesn't say what her parents think about this?

Her parents are probably used to the spoilt brat aunt (which I assume is one of their siblings) creating drama and issues I presumed

C152 · 21/05/2025 10:14

No, your aunties and grandparents are being EXTREMELY unreasonable. I was blackmailed by now ex into allowing a bratty 18 year old to come to our adult only wedding. It still pisses me off to this day. Invite the guests you and your fiance want to and let the threats slide off your back. Just say, 'that's a shame, I'll take you off the guest list, but we have until x date to let the venue know final numbers, if you change your mind.' Then leave it in their hands.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:14

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 10:08

I DO host family events. We had Christmas here for my husband's nearest family (16 of them) and a family party for all his cousins last autumn. And they do nothing. I am putting my values about family first and ensuring that my children get to take part in family gatherings - I find it a shame that the rest of the family don't bother (they love coming to our events btw and in fact the cousins party was because they asked us specifically to do it,).

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Do you host those gatherings in the evening at expensive catered venues where dressy attire is expected?

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:16

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 10:12

…your Aunties kids aren’t invited, because your husbands Cousins children don’t know how to behave ?

That seems a bit unfair

You’ve now created a full “child free wedding because it’s nicer” narrative to fit that first decison. The upshot is, you didn’t want to have a difficult conversions with your husbands Cousin, so you’ve made a blanket decison. Maybe tell people the truth about why you came to that decision, instead of inventing new reasons.

Hosts owe no explanations to anyone for the size or scope of their guest lists.

Invitees need to decline or accept without commentary or complaints.

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 10:19

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 09:11

I doubt it will have a lasting impact on my cousins, do 5, 3 and 1 year olds care about being invited to weddings? Is my 3 year old cousin going to resent me when he is 20 years old because I didn’t invite him to a weddinf when he was 3?

interestingly (or not), the other couples who have children have been fine aboit it. One of them has an older child who is 12 and his mum said she wouldn’t want to bring him anyway because he will be bored and just want to go home so he can play on his DS or whatever. I would really hate to look around on my wedding day and see bored children’s faces or have them running around screaming or doing knee slides. It isn’t a children’s party. It is catered for adults, I don’t have the money to be spending it on extra things for kids. Plus, I have already reached the guest list limit. If I invited the children (10 in total) I would have to knock 10 adults off the guest list who I actually want to be there.

If I had nieces and nephews that I was close to, it might be different because I know I would be close to them and they would very much be a part of my life. Kids of relatives that I only see once or twice a year do not need to be there.

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Actually, kids sometimes do care. My four year old was very disappointed hearing talk of her aunt's wedding, then being told she wasn't invited because she was a child. She's now married and made a big point of inviting every child in the family because of it.

faerietales · 21/05/2025 10:21

The problem is that none of us make decisions in a vacuum. OP is allowed to say she doesn’t want children at her wedding but she doesn’t get to say that people can’t be upset or offended by that.

The aunt and the grandparents may be overreacting but lots of people act irrationally when they’re hurt or if they feel their children are being singled out or excluded.

I personally see both sides to this.

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 10:28

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:16

Hosts owe no explanations to anyone for the size or scope of their guest lists.

Invitees need to decline or accept without commentary or complaints.

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As long as the inviting person accepts a decline without commentary too.

We declined (nursing newborn) and got a call to be told all about how the bride was crying because we declined and to leave the baby for the weekend and give it a bottle. Didn't change our minds.

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 10:29

Arran2024 · 21/05/2025 09:47

How do children get socialised and learn the value of family inclusion if you exclude them from family weddings?

For me, going to weddings when I was a child was a huge part of understanding how the adult world worked - the idea that a 12 year old wouldn't want to come because he would rather be at home on his iPad is imo exactly why he should be at a wedding!

Society is generally foregoing family obligations as part of the focus on individual wants. You see it in the increase in children going no-contact with parents, in people not making the effort to attend funerals.....Weddings are seen as a day for the bride to be a princess for the day rather than the celebration of two families coming together.

If you want the princess for the day kind of event, it does leave other people feeling excluded as the demands of making it all about the bride are so hard to accommodate other people. My nephew and his partner have chosen a gorgeous but tiny venue with a 5 year wait. My dad has died in the meantime and none of us will be invited as there isn't enough room. I hope he's happy but frankly imo people matter more than the pics.

My wedding not a teaching environment for other people's children. Who they chose to have. They think their kids are shining angels, I do not, and they are not invited.

And I don't see my wedding as the coming together of two families either. It's about me and DH coming together to make a new family. Our families are so happy for us and support us but we're the only ones getting married - not our families marrying each other, it's not about them!

It's also a chance for me and DH to celebrate our marriage with our friends. Our adult friends who we choose to spend time with. Without them/others being distracted and dictated to by small children.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/05/2025 10:37

I think on your wedding day you are going to be so busy that you won't even notice your grandparents not being there - unless you were planning on them sitting at the ' top table ' ?

it's their loss if they chose not to attend.

xanthomelana · 21/05/2025 10:44

muggart · 21/05/2025 09:29

To be honest OP you are coming across as lacking in empathy on this topic and a bit of a bridezilla. I’m all for childfree weddings, and that is absolutely your right, but it’s also everyone else’s right to not want to attend and to see your plans as unpleasant treatment towards your aunt. That’s life.

Just be dignified and accept they aren’t coming and drop the topic. Accept that you are planning a wedding that many people don’t want to be a part of and don’t act like a victim. This is all your own doing.

I would be more sympathetic but comparing leaving a tiny child with a stranger to you attending a wedding without your fiancé, and alleging that the guests will be better able to “let their hair down” because they aren't able to supervise their babies, and implying that a mum of a 1 year should be ok with this because a different mum of a 12 year old doesn’t mind, makes you seem so obstinately narrow minded that it’s almost not worth trying to explain the other side to you.

There’s nothing bridezilla about the OP. The aunt is the one causing drama along with the grandparents threatening not to attend and ignoring their grandchild. If it was just the aunties kids excluded fair enough but it’s kids on both sides of the family and only one side is being entitled about it.

JHound · 21/05/2025 10:45

Fortean · 20/05/2025 22:38

That’s Not the issue though. The issue is that her aunt and grandparents have stopped speaking to her completely, and the grandparents are refusing to go, not because they can’t make it, but because they’re tantrum if that the kids can’t go.

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Yep - I don’t see the issue with that either.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 21/05/2025 10:46

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:12

Utter hogwash.

The bride is not close to them, they are toddlers and reception age tots who won’t even remember the event.

Kids are not the social equals to adults and it is not an insult to exclude them from adult events.

People who want to host all-ages family gatherings are always free to do so, but it’s not acceptable to dictate that others’ weddings serve that purpose.

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Each to their own, we don't need to agree. If people wish to downgrade their wedding from a traditional wedding to just a party fair enough.

But also fair if other family members do see it as a wedding and react to the bride showing that she does not value her cousins.

getahhtmapub · 21/05/2025 10:50

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 10:29

My wedding not a teaching environment for other people's children. Who they chose to have. They think their kids are shining angels, I do not, and they are not invited.

And I don't see my wedding as the coming together of two families either. It's about me and DH coming together to make a new family. Our families are so happy for us and support us but we're the only ones getting married - not our families marrying each other, it's not about them!

It's also a chance for me and DH to celebrate our marriage with our friends. Our adult friends who we choose to spend time with. Without them/others being distracted and dictated to by small children.

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Exactly this.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 21/05/2025 10:51

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 10:19

Actually, kids sometimes do care. My four year old was very disappointed hearing talk of her aunt's wedding, then being told she wasn't invited because she was a child. She's now married and made a big point of inviting every child in the family because of it.

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You made a fuss out of it and your daughter reacted to how you felt when she wasn't invited. Why else would she be upset 🤷 Most children would be bored at a wedding why subject them to it. I went to one wedding when I was young and all I did was sit there. That's all I remember of the wedding it was that exciting.

JemimaPiddlepot · 21/05/2025 10:53

Tandora · 21/05/2025 03:09

But why do the GP have to get involved?

Because OP’s GP are deeply offended and hurt by OP’s decision.

The GP will presumably respect OP’s decision in the sense that they will not be encouraging people to gatecrash the wedding! At the end of the day it’s OP’s prerogative who attends and they know that .

But why should they also have to pretend that they aren’t deeply offended and upset , when the reality is that they are?

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Not pretending doesn’t mean they have to boycott the wedding though, does it? Telling the OP they are upset at her decision doesn’t have to mean making it all about them. How is it possible for people old enough to have adult grandchildren to still be so selfishly childish?

Original poster

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 10:53

ScribblingPixie · 21/05/2025 10:01

I wonder why the OP doesn't say what her parents think about this?

I keep forgetting to answer because every time I come back there’s loads more comments and forget what everyone has said. My parents think they are being ridiculous

OP posts:

PawsAndTails · 21/05/2025 10:54

Helloworlditsmeagain · 21/05/2025 10:51

You made a fuss out of it and your daughter reacted to how you felt when she wasn't invited. Why else would she be upset 🤷 Most children would be bored at a wedding why subject them to it. I went to one wedding when I was young and all I did was sit there. That's all I remember of the wedding it was that exciting.

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No, I didn't make a fuss. Aunt talked about her wedding in front of my DD who then talked about going. I had to tell her that aunt had decided to have no children at the wedding, so she couldn't go. I didn't know it was childfree until the invitation arrived. I did talk to the aunt about it as I thought it fair to let her know we didn't have childcare in the area so wouldn't be able to attend without our child, but she was determined to have no children, so I simply ticked the box on the invitation that said we declined with thanks. No big deal but apparently my DD remembered it.

JemimaPiddlepot · 21/05/2025 10:54

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 21/05/2025 10:46

Each to their own, we don't need to agree. If people wish to downgrade their wedding from a traditional wedding to just a party fair enough.

But also fair if other family members do see it as a wedding and react to the bride showing that she does not value her cousins.

Edited

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It is still a wedding.

Original poster

Summerinsicily · 21/05/2025 10:54

Ingogneetoh · 21/05/2025 10:29

My wedding not a teaching environment for other people's children. Who they chose to have. They think their kids are shining angels, I do not, and they are not invited.

And I don't see my wedding as the coming together of two families either. It's about me and DH coming together to make a new family. Our families are so happy for us and support us but we're the only ones getting married - not our families marrying each other, it's not about them!

It's also a chance for me and DH to celebrate our marriage with our friends. Our adult friends who we choose to spend time with. Without them/others being distracted and dictated to by small children.

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I agree with you

OP posts:

JemimaPiddlepot · 21/05/2025 10:55

JHound · 21/05/2025 10:45

Yep - I don’t see the issue with that either.

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You don’t see the issue with someone’s grandparents pulling by this massively manipulative shit?