Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

I get the ‘no children’ for the friends rule, but seriously don’t understand the reason to exclude family with children.
Guessing you are young and kids seem annoying to you or smth…
One day when you have your own - you’ll see that they are just tiny people.

I cant imagine what children would do to a celebration to effect it in any way.
My wedding had a newborn, a 7yo and a teenager - all family members on both sides. Rest were adults.
Have no idea what they did through the ceremony, reception and dancing.

They were in the crowd and did not interfere in any shape or form.

Well, that’s what happens when you decide you’ll invite some family but not others. Getting a babysitter for 4 young kids was always going to be a challenge.

Your grandparents are unreasonable.

Your aunty isn’t. If you don’t invite children then some people who have children won’t be able to or won’t want to come. This was your choice.

If they can't get sitters, then the other partner stays at home with kids. Surely that's a reasonable compromise. But no, some people just won't rest and make it all about them.

Suggest this to them and if they are still belligerent, leave them to it. It's what you want so stick by it.

Hi, are you the poster who had to deal with relatives coming from abroad who insisted their teenage daughter came to the child free wedding regardless of how others with children may feel about it.

It's entirely your right to have a child-free wedding if you wish. It's entirely their right to refuse to come.

Some friends of ours who wanted a child-free wedding did this - they hired a 2nd hall nearby to the main venue, and they paid for a team of Norland Nanny qualified childcare experts to run an amazing activity afternoon suitable for all ages, while the ceremony and reception meal took place. At 6pm the childcare stopped but children who were old enough were welcome to come to the evening do, or could be taken home by their parents if too young to stay up late.

Yes it's expensive, but inviting a parent and not their child is asking them to bear that expense themselves, so if they aren't prepared to pay either that's not unreasonable.

This

Does she not have a partner or anyone else who could watch them?

Your choice to exclude your relatives' children from a family event. Their choice not to come and be pissed off.

Strange that you can't discuss this like reasonable adults. Surely something can be agreed that would suit all?

Child free weddings are the best. I love my kids more than life itself but sometimes it's more fun to attend something as an adult than as a hectic and frazzled chaperone (mine are young,). It's just a few hours/ one day. I'm sure the parents can cope for that long. Otherwise how do they cope when their kids are at school. The weddings mine have attended, they got bored at various points, and don't remember now. I have stayed at home when invited to child free weddings with no child care options as it was my husband's friend. It's fine. Only batshit weirdos get upset about something like this.

Carry on and have a lovely wedding

Just invite the children - it is a FAMILY occasion. You are welcoming each other into your respective families as well as tying the knot as individuals.

What is it that you object to with the children? Do you think your relatives would not have the sense to take a child out if they were making a noise at an important moment?

Your family are a bit OTT to stop speaking to you of course - but the crux of the
matter lies in the decision to bar children, who are part of the family that you are marrying into, or who you are bringing to the union from your side. The solution lies with you.

It’s the OP’s wedding so why should she bend to make everyone else happy? If she wants a childfree wedding she shouldn’t have to explain herself to anyone and they should respect her choice.

Your Grandparents are being horrible knobs.

If your aunt feels she can't come she can't come, but she shouldn't be getting others to boycott your event (if that's what happened).

Terrible. Your aunt has got a YEAR to organise childcare.
I’m so sorry, OP. This is on them, not you. Grieve your disappointment in them but do NOT cave into this blatant manipulation.

Accept that they are choosing not to come. It’s a shame but it’s their choice.
Enjoy organising your wedding and I wish you a super day and all happiness.

This is such an emotive topic. Completely your choice to have a child free wedding (I did too, but none of my friends/ family had children at that stage). DH didn’t go to his dsis’s wedding because it was childfree. It was awkward but they had a nice day all the same. I think your grandparents and aunties are stuck in the middle a bit…

Honestly I find the idea of a child free wedding bizarre. Those children are members of your family so to exclude them seems unkind.

They can't force you to change your mind but you also need to understand that some people don't want to leave there kids and won't want to come.

I wouldn't want 4 small children at my wedding related or not. Just tell her that you're sad that she can't come.

It is your wedding OP and you are perfectly entitled to have the wedding you want and if that is child-free, so be it. But your Aunt is within her rights to say she can't come as a result and you needed to be aware that at a child-free wedding will mean that some people can't come as a result.

However, saying 11 months in advance that she can't get any babysitters for the kids, means that she is also being awkward about it, to make a point, in my opinion. How does she know, if she doesn't try? Although it could be that she knows she won't be able to get one easily, depending on the ages of the children. How old are the children?

You are clearly very upset that your Aunt and your Grandparents are refusing to come and you have fallen out with them. I take it there has been a major row over this? Your Grandparents are being manipulative by trying to bully you into changing your mind and that is quite wrong, in my view and not helpful to either you or your Aunt.

If it would help, could you suggest that you pay for someone to 'babysit' the children in their own home for your Aunt. There must be an agency or something locally who could help. There are 11 months to sort this out?

You’ve forgotten the added expense of meals for children at the wedding, which generally the children don’t eat. I had a child free wedding, it was the best day, no children running around, crying during the exchange of vows! I absolutely advocate child free weddings!

Equally, in this scenario her relatives dont have to explain themselves or attend her wedding if it doesn't suit them.

They are the unreasonable ones. I have dc but I don't expect them to be invited to everything. Just gracefully decline if you can't make it work. So rude to make a fuss like that. Ignore it and I suspect they'll feel a bit silly later.

I’m going to be completely honest.

You have made your choice and sometimes that can cause upset for other people. You’ll never please everyone. It’s your wedding day and ultimately your choice.
You can’t control others actions. 90% of people will see it’s a childfree wedding and decline the invite or try to sort childcare (4 kids and to have no back up childcare seems insane imo!)
But you’ll always have that 10% that kick off and cause issues. Your grandparents are even worse in my opinion.

We had a small wedding and of course some people made it very clear they were unhappy to be not invited despite us only having 20 people so not like we were just excluding them.

My son isn’t invited to a couple of weddings this year (one very close family member) and we’ve just accepted it’s their wishes and found childcare considering we have had months to sort something.

11 months isn’t enough notice to find and save the money for a babysitter for a LOCAL wedding…. Mmmm okay….
Get on with your day. These people sound like the kind that were always going to take issue with one thing or another. Also if it upsets your GPs for your Aunt to be so put out they could always offer to babysit so she can go…. Thought not.

IMO weddings are family occasions not adult only events. So your family have a point… but not speaking to you is of course OTT

It's very simple: what do you want more? A child-free wedding, or all adult family members at your wedding?

Pick one, and deal with the consequences.