Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

You can really see the thinking behind toxic families on here, there is no awareness at all.

Yep, it's sad.

You can say that you are hurt and upset that the children are not invited, that IS communicating your feelings without resorting to pressuring the bride to change her mind, and using silent treatment tactics etc - that is neither respectful or healthy, and not acceptable.

Have the GP communicated perfectly? I doubt it. Has the OP? I doubt it. There’s a conflict here.
OP made a decision, it caused hurt and offence. GP’s told OP they were “disappointed” in her decision, and felt she was being selfish (OP’s words). (Sounds like communicating their feelings/
perspective).
Arguments ensued, now they are not speaking.

You also seem to be implying that the wishes of the wider family are equally as important as that of the couple actually getting married! Clearly that is bonkers, it is not their wedding day!

Im suggesting that there are different perspectives on weddings.
The modern one is that it’s all about the couple and they can do exactly as they wish and everyone else has to put up and shut up.
The traditional one is that weddings are a community and family affair. Yes the couple are important , but their personal wishes aren’t the only thing that matters - there are conventions that are to be followed and family/ community have an important role/ part/ say as well.
you apparently subscribe to the modern one, but that doesn’t make the traditional one “bonkers”, it’s just a different way of looking at things.

Time and time again we see the entitlement that kids should be included in everything on MN and the expectation that everyone will love other peoples kids like they do. You only set yourself up for getting hurt if you act like a twat and try and dictate the guest list to the bride and groom.

poster said she isn’t close to the aunty, so that makes a huge difference.

I don't think you're being unreasonable unless there's a backstory where the father of the children has recently passed away and your aunt is struggling to cope and this is just another thing that reminds her she no longer has a husband and her children no longer have a father.

Otherwise, you are not being unreasonable. If you choose to have four children, you need to accept that it will impinge on your ability to attend events. She's allowed to be disappointed that her children aren't being included, especially for a family wedding, but to be horrible to you isn't on in the absence of a backstory.

WTF you come up with that story? 😂

Well this is what's a bit strange though. OP also said Myself and my parents and aunties all live in the same village.

This isn't an auntie who's been living 150 miles away and catches up every other Christmas. The young children also suggest the auntie is closer in age to OP than to parents. Having a 1 year old and OP being about to get married, there's also a high chance of future cousins of similar age going through the village primary school together. You can see why it's taken as a major snub to leave them out of the wedding.

Next, we have OP saying that she and auntie aren't close, odd when they are similar age and living in the same village, are we quite sure they don't actually have issues? Multiple texts and phonecalls have clearly led to arguments with other family members and OP is presenting this as though she's been nothing but calm and reasonable. Has she? You don't need to answer OP, but just be careful that in presenting a case where you are right, you won't necessarily get all the advice you might need to hear, which a more balanced presentation would have got you.

I live in the same village as my mother and my grandmother and myself or my sibling don’t speak to them. Close proximity doesn’t equal a close relationship.

Next people will complain their dog isn't invited to the wedding. I give it a few years 😆

The kids are part of the family, are they not? Why are they not treated as equals? When you're a parent yourself you'll understand. I hope your perfect day is worth alienating your family.

Of course, but that's the point. OP has presented a case where the aunt is a neutral-positive relationship and this is only about not having kids there. But wider family will be well aware of negative history, which is more likely when close family who are close in age live in a village yet don't speak. It's the history there that would show up why the invitation has been perceived as OP deliberately causing family issues, whether that's fair or not.

Well they could live in the same village and not be close. Why is that so strange? They could have be brought up in that village doesn’t mean you get on with family members.

I haven’t even read what you wrote as you’re turning this into some kind of Catherine Cookson novel. You’re speculating on a stranger asking for advice. Making up scenerios instead of reading what the op said. The aunty and her are not close. The children are wild. She doesn’t want them at the wedding. Why is that so hard to understand?

erm what?

There are plenty of people with kids who are fine or even prefer a child-free wedding. No one wants kids screaming and running around.

She might not want kids are be able to have them. You do realise not everyone what’s kids? But why would she want little feral brats running around the place?

Wrong children, you that didn't read the thread properly unfortunately. The feral kids are her fiance's cousins kids. It might help if you do read my post, because it isn't presenting a story - only some questions.

OP is presenting herself as baffled by the fall-out, and has family members calling her selfish, but family arguments rarely arise without any history behind them. None of us know that history, but it is still relevant to their reactions.

I wish I would say I was shocked at some of these responses but I am not. It just goes to show you that 30% of you are entitled, selfish and self absorbed. And probably have your own toxic families to deal with or are ones causing issues. No sane person would think op is BU. Good luck to your kids and future kid in-laws, they’re going to need it 🤢😳

I recently attended a wedding in which a toddler was running all over the place while the couple was being married, tripping on the bride's veil at one point. Their parents did nothing to stop him. Meanwhile, a baby was crying in the background and a little girl's shrill voice asked when 'it will be over.'. I felt sorry for the bride and groom, and very angry at the parents.

I attended my nieces wedding last year, children aged 14 months, 3, 5 and 7. One was my nieces child, the rest were her cousins children.

Everyone was well behaved and a joy to have around.

The anger at a different view point…..

They are being nreasonable not speaking to you but I understand them being disappointed kids aren’t invited and therefore don’t attend.

My thoughts exactly. Word salad.

Old mumsnet thread
OP read this and you’ll realise you are making the right decision. A lot of these responses are from people who brought their kids to the wedding and ended up taking them out.

If you start to regret your decision then think how much of a distraction a kid clapping, repeating the vows or farting loudly might be.

I don’t understand the desperation people have for their kids to attend weddings, it’s one day they are apart and they are often bored disruptive and noisy. If you can’t get childcare then just politely refuse, it’s an invitation not a summons and your lack of appearance won’t be the devastation you think it will!

I wanted a child free wedding but DH had a huge family so it was like a crèche. Kids cried through the vows, put sticky hands on my dress, my niece followed me round constantly wanting attention whilst DHs sister enjoyed the peace and my first dance was ruined by kids trying to join in.
The most frustrating part was a friend had made delicate floral wedding favours and we had these and disposable cameras on the tables, the favours were all stolen or ripped apart and no one got to keep any, when we developed the photos they were all taken by the kids of random shit.
We paid a lot of money to have the wedding filmed (I got married abroad in DH’s home country) and I can’t watch it back now as it’s too upsetting to see how much it was ruined by kids.

I wanted to get married just the two of us on the beach with a couple of witnesses, his family threatened to never speak to us again and we were guilted into having a completely different wedding to how we wanted. We were told constantly the kids were desperate to come but a lot of them were whinging they were bored and wanted to go home, a lot of guests left early to take kids home.

We had to make so many allowances as it was a “family occasion” most family haven’t thought twice about it since but the most special day of my life was ruined.
I wasn’t a bridezilla, I had no bridal shower or hen night, I told people not to get wedding presents and insisted no one on my side of the family travelled and that we’d have a celebration at home. I genuinely wanted the day to just be about the two of us and I wish I’d stuck to it.

My DH bitterly regrets giving into his family so please stand your ground OP. The only person who will be thinking about your wedding in future is you and your fiancé. Do you think any of the feral beasts will care about not attending?!

Looks like it's a gamble, isn't it?