Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

I'm not a fan of childfree weddings and even I think your grandparents are being ridiculous. There is no reason they can't disagree and still attend. The issue should be between you and your aunt anyway.

It's unbelievable. I really don't understand how anyone can think it's fine for them to treat OP this way. The mind boggles.

I see absolutely no issue with somebody declining to attend somebody’s wedding because they disagree with the guest list.

OP has the right to the wedding she desires.

And others have the right to decline to attend said wedding.

If I planned a wedding and any family member refused to attend as a result of my invite policy I would thank them for letting me know and replace them with new invitees.

I just don’t get the entitlement either way. You set the parameters for your wedding and accept some guests will not attend as a result.

She could invite them to the evening do. Hire a wedding nanny so the kids could dip in and out. And I have had kids at my daughters' 21sts, which were in venues with food, where people dressed up. And if I did have a more formal event, yes, they would be invited.

And the refusing to talk to her?

But not inviting some of your closest blood relatives because they're children, so that you can invite more adults that you aren't as close with, and feasibly making it more difficult for family to attend over others, is odd priorities for an occasion celebrating families being created and coming together, unless there's some prior strife.

But OP has said she isn’t close to the children. So what makes you think any adults she invited would be people she was even less close with?

It’s not just declining the invitation though is it? It’s the way they are trying to manipulate OP by not talking to her.

I think that’s silly but once again not sure I would care that much if I was committed to having the wedding I wanted. Them choosing not to speak to me is their issue not mine.

I’m just astonished OP is surprised that by basically telling her family that she doesn’t like her cousins enough to have them at her wedding, they might emotionally react (and quite possibly overreact) to that information!

People are very protective over their children so I can understand your aunt and grandparents being upset. They haven’t gone about showing their emotions in the best way but surely it was obvious that excluding immediate family members, albeit children, from a wedding would get the parents of those children’s back up?!

The characterisation of children as either being bored or knee sliding is also very harsh.

If you weren’t willing for people to say YABU then why even post?

I thought childcare was impossible to source? So where are you finding the wedding nanny? Make your mind up.

I haven’t sent invitations out yet, I told the people with children as a heads up to give them time to try and find child care or decide if they still want to come etc. I didn’t want them to assume children were invited and then be disappointed down the line. But my auntie straight away said “are you kidding me?!” I tried to explain the reasons why but it turned into a massive argument. After that I tried to reach out to her after a few days but I was met with more shouting and aggressive behaviour. She called me to ask if I’d changed my mind yet and when I said no she was shouting at me down the phone. My grandparents tried to change my mind but when it was clear I wasn’t going to, they started name calling me and said some really hurtful things. After that they told me to uninvite them and let me know they won’t be speaking to me again. I tried to reach out since then but they have ignored my calls and texts and didn’t answer the door when I went round. I’ve now realised there’s nothing I can do and I’m going to have to leave them to it but I’m extremely upset over it because I have always been close to my grandparents and I am actually gutted that they won’t be coming. Even if I did change my mind and invited children, what they have said and done can’t be undone and I will always have that in my head and has now soured and changed the relationship and my view of them and what they think of me.

I still don’t get the issue. I did not say their behaviour is good, but personally it’s the kind of thing I would ignore.

I just don’t get why people get upset that some choose to decline a wedding because they disagree with the guest policy.

And if OPs grandparents want to throw a tantrum - ignore them.

Goodness me, what a lot of drama! Before invites are even out! Hopefully they'll cool off, otherwise they've shown you who they really are...

OP - these do not sound like people whose opinions you should be dwelling on. I would continue with my wedding as planned and ignore them.

She is not showing that she does not value her cousins she is indicating she is not that close to them and has people she is closer to she would rather be there.

I have 46 first cousins. We don't get invited to every wedding, it'd be ridiculous. We only invite the cousins we are close to/spend a lot of time with.

Now ignore - you have done your bit - you did not need to reason with your aunt at all, your wedding can be what you want. Just be blunt with your aunt and say NO- Its a full sentence. As for your grandparents that is shocking you have done all you can now, so let it go, if they want to be like this that's fine. Carry on with your wedding planning do not engage with them at all

My DH has 90 something cousins (we've all lost count)! Imagine if we had to invite them all to everything!

And their partners! 🤣

Well, that's good. It seems odd that you would be on the receiving end of angry calls/texts without your parents stepping in to calm down whichever of their parents and sister it is. That would be helpful.

And MIL wonders why we eloped 😂

But it's not saying that at all. It's saying she wants to have an adult-only event. It doesn't mean she doesn't like the kids.

When did the OP say she wasn’t willing for people to say YABU? Or do you think that she has to somehow abide by their verdict?

Ah, but this would be childcare the OP paid for, so that’s different…

But there are only 10 kids, all children of direct family members and she is saying they’re not invited. Framing it as an “adult only” event doesn’t mean that it’s not a deliberate choice that excludes only these children and nobody else.

Weddings do not have to be child free so, with a choice to allow them to come or not, she has chosen to not. That’s bound to cause some hurt feelings in my opinion!

Plus it sounds like the others with kids aren’t particularly bothered but this aunt has made it clear her feelings are hurt. For me, I would want my cousins at my wedding but, even if I didn’t, I would invite those 4 kids to ensure I didn’t cause a family rift even if it is on my own wedding day.

People do understand the significance and that’s why they don’t want it disrupted by screaming or mis-behaving kids when they are going through one of the most important moments of their life

Anyone who thinks their rights to bring their kids along trumps that are the entitled and unreasonable ones