For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

@SadANDupsetGirl by passively accepting this behaviour from your late mother, father and brother you are not providing a great model for your children. I'm sorry, but you're not. It isn't about the money but the unfairness and it would be the same on a much smaller scale without a multi million business and the house.

The favouritism you describe is breathtaking but you're still more concerned about your (fit, healthy) father's feelings than your own. It is setting the example that people close to you can actively demonstrate that they don't care about you and you'll still be around to take it whatever.

Your mother's wishes about the house are irrelevant as it no longer belongs to her but to your father (at the moment) and he is doing nothing to make things right. Do you think if it suited your brother to move away completely he'd give a single thought to "keeping it in the family" ?

It has always been unequitable in the family. Brother is favoured and not sure why. He is always over there with Dad, not helping, just kind of hanging around. Keeping him company I suppose. My brother has a lot of good points but is also RIDICULOUSLY selfish. Talks non-stop about himself. If he rings, he doesn't even care to ask about me but will turn every conversation around to himself. I barely get a word in. His wife is very, very bossy and their eldest daughter is a carbon copy of her. I suppose I am a much quieter person in general.

Why has your Dad left you out of his will. Or don't you know.

No reason really. Probably just thinks I have done ok for myself and thinks I am alright and probably knows I am not one to moan about money. Even in uni I never asked for anything. Just my nature. There's been no falling out or anything.

Afaik, it would not be legally premiseable to record the conversation. (I.e. it would carry little or no weight in the event of a dispute say). I also think it would be highly unadviseable tbh.

I would have "the conversation", ensuring to ask all of the hard questions e.g.
Does he think it's fair, does he think it's anyway equitable, on you or his grand children and your concerns for his welfare, etc, etc, etc

BTW, this may not be 1 conversation, it may well be a series of difficult conversations. These things can be emotive for all involved. Bear in mind also, your dad might feel he has to let your privileged brother & his horrible family in on some of the details also, & he might feel he has to let them down from what they thought they may get. This could also have ramifications how they behave towards you & him btw, so brace yourself. They don't sound nice tbh. Stay strong.

Once you have hopefully won him over, ensure he has a really good family solicitor and get him to schedule an appointment(s) with them. You will not be privy to those meetings btw & only to details your dad chooses to share with you or not.

Good luck OP!!

P.s.You are going to have to remain very strong & consistent throughout this. Do this for you, your family, your dad's welfare, his legacy with you, your family & his, and a sense of fairness going forward.

I understand your thinking, you're proud etc. But please consider your children. How fair is it to them that their cousins will be wealthy while they have nothing. Stop thinking about yourself and think about them- maybe that will give you the courage to have a discussion with your father. Get another trusted family member in on this as well. I would be livid if my aunt did this to my cousins and I would tell her what I think about it.

This is utterly insane. I can not understand how your brother managed to sell a business and get millions and your dad only got £300k - I mean did your father never have a solicitor?

We sold a business - the due diligence was insane - I just do not see how this happened at all.

If you don't plan on acting of any of your thoughts it doesn't really matter what you think or what your brother does.

You are upset that your brother is manipulating your father.

You are very upset how you have been treated and you are upset that your daughter is going to suffer in the same waybyou have.

But you have said that you will not do anything about it. You can only attempt to change things through your own actions.

Your brother is likely attempting to protect his own interests when you mention the bungalow. He is likely planning to try and avoid care home fees/ inheritance tax to maximise his gain. While he may get away with it with the 7 yr rule on inheritance tax he won't with deprivation of assets

@SadANDupsetGirl I understand what you're saying but you've become totally acclimatised through your upbringing and adult life to accept a subordinate role where your needs/wants matter far less than anyone elses in your birth family, however outrageous or unfair their behaviour is. The uneven distribution of money is a manifestation of your "lesser" position and it very, very much suits your brother and SIL, of course. They aren't the architects of this though, your parents were.

The only person who can do anything about this is you, and while it may make not change the outcome, differentiating yourself from a doormat will benefit you and your kids.

I’d stop going to see him if I were you and he can have a little think about why that might be.

@SadANDupsetGirl it's not your nature, it's your conditioning. You are ALLOWED to have feelings and want things for yourself and your kids. You are ALLOWED to take up space and time in your father's mind and you are ALLOWED to ask your family to consider you. Please give yourself permission to be more demanding.

picking favourites is just a spiteful game to some people and the inheritance issue is so common sadly.

Yes and it's confirmation that the child left nothing didn't mean much to the parents....it's so cruel

Id perhaps look into getting power of attorney for financial and health. See if he would agree to that, then you could stand up for him against your brother's wishes if need be and have the legal right to do so.

Your Dad is capable of making a decision himself rather than blaming it on his dead wife. Hes using her as an excuse. He could choose to over ride her wishes.

Leave him to it and cut both your Dad and you brother out of your life.

You are a complete doormat for bothering about either of them.

If it’s only 6 months since you lost your DM, your DF will currently be in an incredibly difficult place emotionally, barely waking and getting through each day. Even at 2 years this is difficult. He is incredibly vulnerable just now in the aftermath.

it’s despicable that your DB was selling the family business during this time.

I’m lost for words that your DB is talking about the house at this stage, when your DF above all other considerations needs calm, routine, space, to feel safe, settled and grounded in his home environment. It should be his safe space and utterly sacrosanct. Your DF needs no more uncertainty after what he has been through.

Your DF will most likely have some trusted former longstanding business friends, is there one trusted person among them that you could confide in and ask that they address the house and will issue with your DF? They would likely present a different inheritance position for your father to consider, and likely he might listen and consider.

Your family have got away with this because they’re used to you never asking for anything or making a fuss.
It’s always the squeaky wheel that gets the oil, it’s definitely time for you to squeak.
Don’t feel uncomfortable about talking to your father about all this; he obviously doesn’t feel any discomfort about not only being completely unfair in regard to his assets, but also in you knowing what he is doing. It’s appalling.
Do this for your children’s sake at least, if you don’t feel that you yourself are worthy of anything other than this dismissive treatment.
Most of all, tell your father how very deeply hurt you are. Surely he can’t believe that you don’t care? You will feel better if you tell him how you feel. Give him an opportunity to explain himself and, hopefully, to redress the situation.

Your passivity is why you’re being totally and utterly mugged off.

Your mother and your brother sound like cunts, and your father a feeble disgrace.

How has this been allowed to happen??

Sorry but you’re part of the problem. As others say, grow a backbone and tell/show your dad. Why get treated like an imbecile? I bet you look after your dad too…. Honestly. The resentment is already there - very understandably - so say something and if it explodes, who cares. You have nothing to lose. The fact that you find it deplorable that you wouldn’t treat your kids like this, why are you accepting being treated like this?

It’s one thing for you to accept doormat status but I would be angry on my kids behalf. Your niece will have stuff like house deposit and uni costs paid by her grandparents while yours get no leg up.

OP you could challenge the will or speak with your Dad. Let him know that you do find it sorry and hurtful and unfair.

Your Mum may have made this wish thinking you would benefit from the sale of the business via your Dad or some other consideration.

In any case she didn’t consider thoroughly &
You’re not a bad person for thinking this is unfair,

I am really surprised in your Brother saying nothing and your Dad saying minimal.

Wow OP get a backbone and talk to your dad about the will. You are cheating your kids out of huge sums of money all for the sake of being "nice"

I'm amazed your dad only got 300k from a company that was valued in the millions

Because he transferred it to my brother a couple of years back and only held a small share and was essentially bullied into signing the docs about 2 weeks before my mum died, when she was on hospice care.

Yeh I know. He was devastated and upset and was basically marched into the solicitors to sign it, all the while saying that this wasn't what he wanted, but my brother was saying, "you're 80 now and do you want me to run a company I don't want to run just because you want it?"..so my brother then got all the money from the sale, because he was the biggest shareholder the last year or so.

your brother sounds highly abusive. Do you think he may have got your father to sign a POA as well at some point? if so you may need to think about challenging it.